all the sexy dinosaurs went extinct during the flirtatious period
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Please stop summoning me if you’re out of sacrificial snacks.
100,000 Americans signed a petition to have Justin Bieber deported back to Canada.
8 million Canadians signed a petition to prevent this.
Science: I rely on observable data and logic.
Religion: I prefer scripture and faith.
Astrology: I like turtles.
shout out to the women in the hot dog eating contest who ate 2 dogs in 5 minutes… no competitive streak no urgency just taking the stage for a light lunch
I saw an ad for a tree removal service with the line “We’ll come to you!” Great idea! So much more convenient than dragging my yard across town.
I will never forget when my mom tried to use her cancer to get my sisters boyfriend of 7 years to propose by saying “don’t make me go to my oldest daughters wedding bald Steve” and he looked this woman dead in the eyes and responded “they make really good wigs now, Joan” ruthless
The problem with finding people who accept me for who I am is that I question their judgment
About to go assert my dominance over the other dads in my neighborhood by washing, waxing and detailing my car, the war has begun
My sister: can you believe that I’m pregnant again! Must be something in the air
Me: yeah your legs
How do you tell someone you’re the one I want without sounding too much like John Travoltra in Grease.
Sometimes even letting your kids watch age-appropriate shows is a big mistake. Showed my kids The Flintstones, and my youngest asked what it was like living with a dinosaur. My 5-year-old pointed at the Flintmobile and said, “is that why your feet look like that?”
Remember when the current stupidest thing was the “Gotta Get Down on Friday” song? We didn’t know how good we had it.
Please sign my online petition to get Netflix to change “are you still watching” to “looking good nice pajamas”
Son hunted 4 part of our family dinner 2night! With steady nerve & calm focus, he tracked down the hot dog buns for us at the grocery store.
My teachers always told me drugs were never the answer, but they also told me Pluto was a planet, so now I don’t know what to think.
I love the smell of cut grass and the sound of unknown footsteps in my attic.
Today i learned that Capybaras are chill with everyone. Here they are getting along with the entire animal kingdom. Real life Disney princesses.
A simple turtleneck can hide all manner of candy necklaces.
“It’s hotter than a junkie’s spoon in July”
Excuse me, what kind of Florida metric system are we using now??
PSA: Always be yourself
Identity theft carries a sentence of up to 15 years prison time
They say “keep your friends close and your enemies closer” so if I offer you a piggyback ride just know we have beef
[Day 5]
GOD: What do you think?
ANGEL: You’re tired. Why don’t we try making the birds tomorrow.
I’m such a sucker for a sports movie. I want the team to win so bad… but then it seems like they won’t… omg they did it
*anna quietly knocks on elsa’s door after olaf falls asleep* do you wanna kill a snowman?
I made some fish tacos last night.
the ingrates just ignored them and swam away
Went to back to school night and saw a poem my daughter wrote and she said our house was clean so now she gets cupcakes for dinner.
Went to see a psychic without an appointment and he wasn’t expecting me ?