I’m tired, you’re tired, we should probably sleep together.
“All the single ladies…
All the single ladies…
All the single ladies…”
– list of girls who wouldn’t talk to me in high school
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Finishing a book is like saying goodbye to an old friend. Finishing a show you binge-watched is like staggering out of a motel where you’ve been holed up for 24 hours with someone you met while trying to score crack.
[arrives at sales meeting with giraffe I bought last month]
“Ok, did everyone bring a graph tracking your activity this month?”
ME: uh oh
Coworker: What a crazy weekend!
Me: *takes a knee*
CW: What are you doing?
M: Protesting this conversation.
[carrot slice falls on the floor]
Ah well I guess it’s in the trash with you
[potato chip falls on the floor]
YOU THOUGHT YOU COULD ESCAPE.
I hate fungi but then it grew on me.
Say what you like about us Arabs, but at least we don’t go to Africa and start naming lions ‘Ahmad’ and ‘Hassan’.
Does it creep anyone else out that Donald Duck eats a turkey dinner on ‘Once Upon A Christmas’? Isn’t that a form of cannibalism?
“We had unprotected sex. Give us a present.” — the subtext of every baby shower
One person gets an idiom wrong and it spreads like wildflower