All the single ladies. All the single ladies. All the single ladies. Now put your hands up! Lol. But seriously, ladies. This is a robbery.
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We need to overthrow that Tyrannosaurus Rex and democratically elect a Presidentosaurus Rex
The price of groceries has gotten me thinking about what acorns taste like.
[spelling bee]
moderator: your word is abandon
me: can you use it in a sentence?
moderator: everyone you love will abandon you
me: omg
moderator: lol no not even close
I asked my kid why she only brought one gym sneaker home from school and she looked at me like I have three heads because clearly I’m the crazy one
adulthood means having ice cream for dinner and regret for dessert
Sounds about right. 😂🤣
[Not realizing Black Mirror episode is just stuck buffering]
“Ah yes, this is excellent social commentary”
Angel: welcome to heaven
Me: holy shit
Angel: ooh you swore get out
Devil: welcome to hell
Me: holy shit
Devil: ugh u said holy get out
Saw a cloud stuck in a tree so I climbed it and tried to shake it loose but now I’m stuck in a cloud please help
Yesterday, Trump spoke to two female American astronauts while they were in space. Not only did they make history being the first crew to perform an all-woman spacewalk, they also made history by being the first women to speak to Trump at a distance that was probably pretty safe.
MY NECK, MY BACK, A STRANGER TOOK MY CAT
My neighbor caught me going through my own garbage can to find my engagement ring, so I told her, “There are some great deals in there on Tuesdays.”
“but you said you were right around the corner.” Let me stop you right there. I never said what corner
When beer and cheese isn’t the answer… Change the question
How bout you make like fabric softener and bounce.
(at the pearly gates)
St. Peter: Say “worchestershire”
Me: Oh God I knew it
i once had a doctor named doctor. dr. doctor. doc doc, for short. who i introduced to my ball-player friend, richard michael gossage. “doc doc, goose,” i said. folks,,
my dentist said I needed an implant and I was like damn I know they’re small but that’s a little harsh
I’m not falling for those “ancestry tests.” If the government wants my DNA they’re going to have to get it the old fashioned way, from underneath the fingernails of a dead drifter I buried in the woods.
People my age or older than me or younger than me are the worst.
Somehow my beach-bod went to a dad-bod and unfortunately now it’s more of a beached-dad-bod.
4-year-old: Why does the dog pee on stuff?
Me: It’s like writing his name on it.
4: So I-
Me: YOU HAVE TO USE PENCILS.
[after putting a fake mustache on an elephant]
FRIEND: You seen my elephant?
ME: no
FRIEND: [eyeing elephant] Maybe this fine gentleman has
I’m supposed to be afraid of you because you are a twitter badass? What are you going to do, caps lock me?
Everything on my bucket list comes with french fries.
I will give Canada this. Their geese are hard to keep in a headlock.
“Dude! You rock!”
– stated excitedly“… You stone! You worse than senseless thing!”
– held back 93 times out of 100
Being single isn’t always bad. Look at Kraft cheese for example.
2024 is starting to feel like it needs to be left outside until we see if it can act right.
Fairly sure most parole boards are more lenient than my wife in deciding who gets our holiday card