All the single ladies. All the single ladies. All the single ladies. Now put your hands up! Lol. But seriously, ladies. This is a robbery.
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I dug a small hole in the Earth.
I did a handstand.
Im wearing the Earth as a hat.
Someone broke in to my house and stole all my lamps. I know I should be upset, but I’m delighted.
Wife: I want you to rake the yard today.
Me: Consider it done.[later]
Wife: I thought you were going to rake?
Me: I thought you were going to consider it done?
Letting the grocery bagger bring my groceries out sounds nice but I can’t handle trying to remember where I parked in front of a stranger.
I don’t want your undivided attention. I want your multiplied attention. Make clones of yourself and give me all of their attention too.
Fired from my job as an autopsy technician for repeatedly asking “are you gonna eat that?” during the procedures.
If Wonder Woman and Spider-Man go into business together, they should call it Amazon Web Services.
COWORKER RECENTLY OUT OF THE HOSPITAL: i blew a tire on a mountain road and crashed thru the guardrail, rolling end over end down a cliff into a creek. i was trapped for hours upside-down & near death until a man walking his dog found me and called 911
ME: what kind of dog was it
*grabs walmart intercom*
WHY DID YOU LET ME GRAB THIS INTERCOM? I DON’T EVEN WORK HERE
*fighting noises*
YOU’RE GONNA LOSE YOUR JOB
[looking at an old pic of me and my wife in college]
Me: Wow, you used to be hot
Wife: *death glare*
Me: …but not as hot as you are now
RABBIT HUSBAND: You look even better after a full day of work. I don’t know how you do it, honey.
RABBIT WIFE: They test cosmetics on me.
[bedtime]
me: babe we forgot to lock the door
him: not it
murderer under the bed: not it
me: fine I’ve got it
You like bad boys? Not to brag but I’m bad at everything.
-me flirting
“so what did you do before self-driving cars?”
“we just drove ’em ourselves!”
“wow, no one died that way?”
“oh no, millions of people died”
“So sorry” – Actually sorry
“Sorry about that” – Not really sorry
“Sorry you feel that way” – Not sorry at all
“Sorry, but…” – Apologise to me
Sometimes your ankle takes a vacation while you’re walking.
The second half of your life begins when you stop wanting to get even and start wanting to get odd
[Folding my wife’s laundry after 7 years]
Pile 1 – I have folded these correctly
Pile 2 – I think I have folded these correctly
Pile 3 – I have no idea how to fold these
Pile 4 – I don’t even know what these are
Misread the movie guide and thought the movie about to start was Allen vs Predator, and I was like, “you got this, Allen.”
What idiot called it a pig thief and not a ham burglar?
6“- Ive had bigger
7”- Can’t complain
8”- PERFECT
9”- A bit much
10”- My insides hurt
11”- Please no more
12”- Legally dead-Me after pizza
God: you’re a capybara.
Capybara: yay!
God: you’re the largest rodent.
Capybara: double yay!
God: also you live in South America.
Capybara: so cool!
God: wow you’re in a great mood!
Capybara: just living my personal motto!
God: which is?
Capybara: don’t worry be Capy : )
ok, i’m calling bullshit on Ariel singing underwater
How much peanut butter do you guys usually have on your phone?
*Forgets to stir pasta for 4 seconds*
The Pasta:
First it’s not safe INSIDE, now it’s not safe OUTSIDE. Who benefit? Big door.
Wife: what are you doing?
Me: writing a Hogwarts letter for when our daughter turns 11.
Wife: but she’s only 3.
Me: I need the extra time.
Wife: why?
Me: to catch and train the owl.
I’m only attractive if you’re drunk.
*buys everyone a drink*