All the single ladies. All the single ladies. All the single ladies. Now put your hands up! Lol. But seriously, ladies. This is a robbery.
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my ex just blocked me on twitter but i’m not gonna text him to ask him why bc i’m mature, i respect his boundaries and also he’s already blocked my number.
Motorway in Britain: “Go 40mph for a bit”
You: “Why? What’s happened?”
Motorway: “Absolutely nothing”
You should never go grocery shopping when you’re hungry and never go clothes shopping when you’re naked.
When your wife says “It’s up to you”, it’s not.
5 ways I am superior to a horse:
1. Better at catching frisbees
2. I refuse to be told what to do by jockeys
3. If a horse is badly injured or gravely ill, I’d probably be faster than that horse
4. I own more swords than most horses
5. Unlike horses, I know how to use the ATM
Does anyone remember the song by Sade about the guy who operated the smoothie machine?
Going to buy several and turn them into a casserole to pass out on Halloween
“DOES ANYONE KNOW CPR?”
I step forward boldly.
“I know OF it.”
We thought our son was excited for us to attend Back-to-School night so we could meet his teacher…Turns out, his actual excitement was bc he couldn’t wait to show us the bathroom stall he had carefully chosen…“to do all the pooping in.”
Watch celebrities try to hit a fastball? No thank you.
Watch celebrities get hit by fastballs? Yes please.
One of my greatest joys in life is when Jeff calls the vet to make an appointment and they ask for his name, and he says, Jeff. Then, they ask for our cat’s name, and I watch him gather his strength before he tells them, Baby Jeff.
*ruins your party with a can of Serious String*
Caught my son smoking pot then my wife walked in and caught me and our son smoking pot. Anyways I’m grounded.
WIFE: Shouldn’t you be at work?
ME: I took care of it.
BOSS: [to the cardboard cutout of Shaq with my face glued on it]
Nice work today.
Yesterday our friend couldn’t make it tho the bar so instead of canceling they sent one of their other friends, which none of us have ever met, to replace them. You can do that? We are allowed to send in substitutes???
British websites use biscuits.
This was the best day of my life
ive taken a couple of survival classes and let me tell yall youre gonna cut urself trying to build something and die of an infection before the “raiders” come for your “water purification tablets”
I got mood poisoning. Must have been something I hate.
There was a time, a new hip joint meant someplace I would go to on weekends.
If you hear one of the high piano keys repeating slowly, you’re either watching a trailer for a horror movie, or you are a parent.
BABY: *cries*
ME: Get in line, buddy.PUPPY: *cries*
ME: *panicking* OMG, WHAT GREAT TRAGEDY HAS BEFALLEN YOU, MR. NIBBLES?
I wrote ‘I loathe ‘ and ac finished it with ‘people’. I’m gonna marry my phone.
Getting caught under your desk and coming up with nothing in your hand is always so hard to explain.
Me: I prefer telling outside jokes.
Coworker: Don’t you mean inside jokes?
Me: Not to you
[while titanic is sinking]
me: [mouth full of shrimp at the buffet] I can’t believe no one is eating these lol
My wife and kids are away so it’s just me in the house and I was just awoken at 1:45 a.m. by the Alexa in the other room saying, “Sorry, I didn’t catch that.”
ME: These frog testicles are delicious!
GIRLFRIEND: Those are peas.
People: Dogs can always sense someone’s true colors.
Dogs: WTF is “colors”?
Me: One last time for old times’ sake?
Broken washer: No.