All the smart people at the office are worried about being replaced by A.I., but not me. I’m safe until they invent Artificial Stupidity.
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Aladdin: 🎶I can show you the world-
me: I’m cold this is boring
Just think, in 10 years you’re going to wish you look as good as you do right now. Assuming you’re still alive.
~inspirational
My 3yo instructed me to be the monster at the park but just as I was about to grab her she shouted “hey monster, it’s lunch time!” so I’m super impressed with her survival skills
Superhero Movies Love to Have Villains Who Are Totally Right… Until They’re Randomly Super Wrong
“Omelet you finish,” -Kanyegg West
LIFE HACK: You can turn your ordinary sofa into a sofa bed by simply forgetting your wife’s birthday.
[googling]
me: [how to get wife to stop cheating]
google: it won’t stop jim
me: [please google please stop porking my wife]
google: i can give her things that you can’t
me: [we have children]
google: you sure they’re yours jim?
me: [looks down at my son, algorithm] oh god
A couple weeks ago I left my front door open and my Roomba got out. This morning it showed up on my porch pregnant, with a dead bird in its mouth.
Me: Want to see me do The Robot?
Friend: Sure.
Me:
Friend: Why aren’t you moving?
Me: Updating software.
*spends 30 minutes trying to unzip my pants to have sex for the first time*
*girlfriend sighs*
“Just take off the mittens”
MY HANDS ARE COLD
Remember that time you found out your crush felt the same way? It’s kinda like that, but it’s just me discovering there are still Pringles in this can.
watching the football game but shaking my head the whole time so everybody knows i disagree with it
“you’re so quiet” i wish you were too
Me: Woohoo, I survived Thanksgiving! I can relax now.
Anxiety: Haha…Christmas.
November should have one more day. just because to me November 31st sounds real. and also I don’t want to pay rent tomorrow
*finds a sock behind the washing machine*
*plays loud dramatic romantic music as I reunite two socks*
HER: I love how we always finish each other’s
HIM:
HER:
HIM:
HER: Marriages
“Teaching sex ed in school will only make kids want to have sex“ yeah right, I had math in school and it really made me wanna math hard all the time
The worst part about being drunk and seeing double is when you realize it’s just one slice of pizza
The woman doing my nails said the last person did a terrible job and I should start coming to her instead.
I guess she doesn’t remember me.
“Uh-oh!”
– My toddler, looking me dead in the eye while he feeds his dinner to the dog
If I were wanted by the FBI they wouldn’t have far to look today, I’ll be in front of the TV watching football.
Me: You can’t honestly expect me to believe this house isn’t haunted; I can see the ghost walls from here.
Realtor: Those are windows.
merriam-webster followed and then unfollowed me. not very definitive of them
Going to start punching people in the face who say fight me. Words mean things, Paul.
I had a jacket stolen from me tonight. My enemies will stop at nothing to keep me from maintaining a comfortable body temperature in style
Straight, gay, bi. Doesn’t bother me. But you foot people have some splainin’ to do.
her: i hate ultimatums
me (thought she said “old tomatoes”): well i love them, so time to decide. it’s them or me.
Always remember to look for the end of the extension cord you left in the yard before taking a piss.