All the stores are selling sexy women’s Santa lingerie because, as it turns out, a lot of dudes, and I mean A LOT, have a thing for Santa Claus.
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google: please stop
me: more frogs with teeth
When you give them a gift card to a restaurant because you don’t like them enough to take to dinner.
[News anchor]
“Are things really that bad?”
INTERVIEWER: says here you were fired previously?
ME: yeah, I tried putting pizza in the copier
INTERVIEWER: [excitedly] did… did it work?
Auto correct changed “mingle” to “mangle,” and now I’ve been uninvited to a Superbowl party.
When having guests over for lunch, once I’ve prepared the meal is it rude of me to leave?
you’d think the thing in my house with the most cat hair on it would be my cat
[gently waking my mom] I cut my hair like He-Man’s
ME: *stands by the window*
ELF ON THE SHELF: *into sleeve* take the shot
Why I’m starting to hate Twitter…
How to stay sober during #GOPDebate drinking games:
Take a shot every time someone tells the truth.
If you leave your dog tied up outside a corner store I’m walking it. No need to ask. Be back soon.
cop searching my car and finding little notes i hid everywhere that say i love the police
I’m having one of those days where nothing seems to be going write.
H: “You’re walking funny”
me: I hurt myself in the hot tub
H: “Did you fall in?”
me: …
me: … sure.
19 showed us what he has learned at college when he asked “can we drink screwdrivers while we are opening presents?”
*making screwdrivers*
accidentally put my phone in airplane mode and my front door blew off
mother’s day idea: treat your mom as she has treated you! force her to take piano lessons
don’t eat yellow snow is a pretty sound rule but i would warn against eating any kind of weather
Writers will call anything menacing and I’m just supposed to accept it. “A menacing wind” “a menacing howl in the distance”. Just say you’re scared of wind and corgis. Don’t try to convince me it’s reasonable.
[mind reader club]
speaker:
audience:
speaker:
audience: *clapping*
Christian Bale has done ok for himself considering he’s named after a religious bundle of hay.
Tired of not knowing if I should swipe my credit card, insert the chip or punch myself in the face.
My dad can get into “dad-mode” sometimes. He’s a doctor who is worried about the virus, and told me, his 24 year old son, in a 5 min rant that this isn’t the time to be trying to have a lot of “play-dates”. So if you were trying to play after school im sorry my dad said we cant
In a shocking twist my children just put on masks to play Grocery Store
My husband’s sole purpose in life is to have me explain the entire plot of a TV series while I’m trying to watch the last 20 minutes.
How to stop Facebook Live and Marketplace notifications:
1) Open Facebook app
2) Go to Settings
3) Throw your phone into a river
[checking IMDb while watching Planet of The Apes] …oh, the zoo! That’s what I know him from!
noah: two of every single species on earth
god: yes
noah: and a boat to fit them all
god: yes
noah: and people will ridicule me the whole time
god: yes
noah: and all my friends are going to die
god: yes
noah: but like the world will be good after that right
god: i mean
FORENSIC SCIENTIST: The killer is a Chimpanzee.
COP: How can you be sure?
GWEN STEFANI: *looking up from microscope* This shit is bananas.