All the stores are selling sexy women’s Santa lingerie because, as it turns out, a lot of dudes, and I mean A LOT, have a thing for Santa Claus.
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Dad: (tears in eyes) you’re going to make a fine dad someday
Son: (tears in eyes) should I make him out of wood or metal
Dad: (just bawling)
Got kicked off the police force for saying “Ooooooo, somebody’s in trouble” every time I made an arrest.
Anyone mad about favstar shutting down can mail me $30, and I’ll tell your friend you like their tweet.
I’m on the “Whole Thing” diet. Didn’t eat the whole thing? Boom. Diet.
Me [trying to get respect from my family after eating 12 hotdogs] how many more hotdogs do I need to eat before you respect me?
Mom: we just want you to get a job. Give me the *sound of a struggle* hotdogs
Don’t have a second child until the first one is old enough to take care of it. Follow me for more parenting hacks.
I would like to officially apologize to my toddler for cutting her left pancake before I cut her right pancake, I don’t know what I was thinking
God: you’re a dog.
Dog: nice!
God: the humans are gonna love you.
Dog: why?
God: well you have a lot in common.
Dog: really? do they have updog too?
God: what’s updog?
Dog: nothing what’s up with you lol.
God: yep you’re just like them.
Dog: [tail wag].
Marriage is about understanding what irritates your spouse and using it strategically.
[fancy restaurant]
me: isn’t this dim lighting so romantic?
moth date: [shrugs]
does anyone know how to use nunchucks, I got a pair for xmas and I’ve just been swinging em around real fa
The Middle Ages were rough because in addition to famines and plagues you had to deal with getting armor for your horse
[bedtime]
DAUGHTER: Dad, I’m afraid a bug will crawl into my mouth while I’m sleeping.
ME: Don’t be silly, the spiders that live in your eyebrows would catch it first.
DAUGHTER: …
ME: Night, sweetheart.
[arrives at party]
ME: This was a good idea.
*30 seconds later*
MY WILL TO LIVE: I’m gonna go wait in the car.
I can’t believe she picked her husband, her boyfriend and her other boyfriend over me.
>looking for a crisp fall day
>ask mother nature if it’s a hot 60° or a cool 60°
>she laughs and says “it’s a good 60°”
>throw on cozy fall outfit
>it’s a hot 60°
passport control: you don’t look anything like your picture
incredible hulk: THE FLIGHT WAS DELAYED
Jingling your keys in front of a crying baby is a great way to distract them while you steal their wallet
My daughter knows what a meth lab is thanks to an episode of The Simpsons.
At least that’s what I had to tell child services just now.
I could have been a monk but I missed my chants
Windows 10? Cool!
Only 85 more versions before we come back to Windows 95
If you don’t call ahead of time I won’t answer the door, but I don’t answer phones, so you see the dilemma.
Whatever you’re giving up for lent, I’ll take it.
The woman who sits next to me at work just told someone she’s surrounded by idiots. I feel bad for her.
I AM NOT REALLY YELLING AT YOU I JUST GOT USED TO TALKING TO MY TEENAGER WHO ALWAYS HAS HEADPHONES IN
“Let’s take a couple dozen over-stimulated children and give them enough sugar to kill an elephant.” – inventor of the birthday party
The thought of two people colliding mid air while looking at their phones is the main reason I wish that humans could fly.
Ive started investing in stocks… Mainly beef, chicken and vegetables. One day I hope to be a bouillonaire.
I don’t trust scrapbookers because I feel it’s a slippery slope to ransom letters
Nobody remembers you winning the 4th grade award for ‘Best Penmanship’, but everyone remembers the one time you called the teacher “mum”.