I don’t know who needs to hear this, but putting the dead batteries in the junk drawer does not charge them.
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I love how Men’s bathing suits sometimes have that tiny pocket where you can hold two quarters, just in case you’re paying to get on the Ferris Wheel in 1922
If you crush Cheez-Its and snort them, they become Sneez-Its.
Missed my workout yesterday which makes it four years in a row
The dry cleaners lost my freak flag.
What happens when you build a house on top of an old cemetery for accordion players?
You have a polkageist.
I hate when companies say “THIS IS NOT A DRILL” and then they’re like “select shirts 10% off” Ok..? Didn’t need the disclaimer. Nobody thought that this was a practice round. I didn’t read the discount and go “ok champ, get on their website. Time to practice”
*Passive-aggressively skips through your selfies and only likes pics of your dog*
the 1 thing i ask in life is for someone to use my bathroom and come out and say “wow that is the cleanest toliet I’ve ever seen”
After hitting that pothole I can see spring’s in the air…along with a wheel and the rest of my suspension.
INTERVIEWER: Do you have any references?
ME: I find your lack of faith disturbing.
INTERVIEWER: What?
ME: *leans in really close* That’s a Star Wars reference.
I’m Irish which is kinda like being Sith, if I’m mad you can feel my hatred from anywhere in the galaxy
She ran her fingers through my hair and pulled hard. I wanted to ask her to do it harder – but probably inappropriate for the hair salon.
[dinner party]
*host clinks glass* “Everyone we’re having a baby”!
*whispers to other guest* “Oh come on! I told them I was a vegetarian.”
The joke is on this spin class instructor.
My water bottle is full of Bacon Bits.
them: schedules a work meeting after 4pm
me: my mom says i’m not allowed out after dark
Some people wake up to ” I love you” texts and some of us wake up to
” Battery full. Remove charger”.
🤷♂️😆🤷♂️😆
According to the Chinese zodiac, it’s the year of the dog, or “who’s a good year?!”
[Plays air guitar]
[Dodges air panties]
[The Second Coming]
Jesus:”People of the Earth! I have returned with news of God’s love an-”
Voice from the crowd:”DO THE WINE TRICK”
Quit doubting my abilities, I can drive with one hand and crash the car with the other…
Following a series of poor personal decisions I now owe the ferret mafia six grand and my only way out is to be the driver for a meat heist planned by a squirrel dragged back in for one last job, assisted by a weasel nobody trusts. Not even the stoat bagman.
Doctor: so, how did you injure your rotator cuff?
Me, remembering reaching for the wet wipes on the back of the toilet: TENNIS
am dying at this guy in the abercrombie&fitch netflix documentary explaining the concept of a shopping mall
I haven’t been in my bathroom ever since my daughter told me she had “done a number four”.
Everyone preaches body acceptance, until you show up naked at the company picnic.
Mary and Joseph chose to have Jesus in a barn rather than spend Christmas with their families.
My mom used to beat me with a camera.
I still get flashbacks.
Yes, Karen, I know that exercise is a great stress reliever. I’ll have you know that I power walked to the freezer aisle in the store to get this ice cream before they closed.
Robbing a bank and getting away in a hot air balloon is on my bucket list.
*gazing at the ocean*
God: I told you NOT to leave the water on while we were on vacation.
Angel: I’m sorr-
God: SORRY DOESN’T FIX THIS MESS