I’m stranded on a dessert island. Do not send help.
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*wear sunscreen*
*go up to a guy named Ray and punch him in the nose*
*now laugh because sunscreen protects you from ultra violent Rays*
The best essential oils are the ones that drip out of Tacos.
Me: Honey, where do we keep those legally binding documents our marriage is based on?
Her: You mean the mortgage papers?
Me: Yep those ones
This day in history. 1950. The FBI put out its first 10 Most Wanted list and my dad lost a bet because only 2 of the guys were his brothers.
Just gave this idiot a thumbs up for cutting me off, and I think I might not understand road rage.
Yes ma’am, I understand you’re taking “pitchures” so I’m sorry for accidentally walking in front of you in this very public place.
As a young girl she played the game Operation and dreamed about the day she could illegally harvest vital organs in real life.
[gets pulled over]
me: problem, officer?
cop: you were swerving, i want you to count backwards from 100 for me
[2hrs 36m later]
me: how was that
cop: did you really need the “bottles of beer on the wall” part before every number
wife: is that ellen?
daughter: no, it’s dory
me: ellen is the actress that plays dory
daughter: is she a fish?
me: no, she’s a human
daughter: then that’s not her, cause that actress is a fish
wife: “what on earth are you doing?”
me: “making a penguin”
wife: “that’s a pigeon”
me: [opening freezer door] “not for long”
If “bae” means bacon and eggs then yes, I’m chilling with my bae
I’m a little sad about my weight gain, but like they say, “suck it up, cup of butter.”
Jesus [on the cross]: I hope you guys make some cool necklaces about this
After seven years of marriage, I can always guess what’s bothering my wife. I’m never right, but I can always guess.
Stop saying “you can’t make this stuff up“. You can make anything up. Watch this: a breakdancing beaver wearing a top hat. A peanut butter and thumbtack sandwich. A baby doing calculus. It’s easy.
My kids bought a huge bag of flour, yet I don’t see any baking going on…are they waiting for me? They’re waiting for me, aren’t they?
“Ohhh, a knife! What are you gonna do, stab me or something?”
– Guy about to get stabbed bad
“Would you just look at all this bullshit?!” – enthusiastic fertilizer suppliers
My therapist insisted i try something new each week…
…so i haven’t paid her
Now we wait…
Me: Welcome to McDonalds, can I take your McOrder?
McDonalds Boss: Again *rubs temples* you don’t need to put Mc in front of words
Me: Oh ok *turns back to customer* welcome to Donalds
If you’re happy and you know it eat a bug
I’ve been making my own bread every single day for two weeks now and I finally understand why people always look so miserable in historic photos.
Got a tattoo of my mom telling me not to get a tattoo
I rode in the back seat with my baby until she was big enough for a front-facing seat because she cried not being able to see me.
It made it hard to drive but the peace and quiet were worth it.
please tell me about an extremely niche section of twitter that you never knew existed until you made them angry. one time i made Feed Swans Bread Twitter angry after i suggested food alternatives. FOR MONTHS I got angry tweets, until I finally deleted it. YOUR TURN.
Cooking is easy if you’re single as long as you have a mom, leftovers and a microwave.
Darth Vader: [swiping through tinder] why am I not getting any matches
Stormtrooper: [under breath] maybe because you’re an evil genocidal maniac
Darth Vader: is it because I’m a single dad
to the spirits in my walls: going to the store be right back.
Creepy guy at gas station: you got boyfriend?
Me: um yes. I’m married.
CG: *shrugs* your loss.
Me:
CG:
Oh, you’re 19 and have abs? Yeah you’re supposed too. You haven’t been alive long enough to get fat.