All the toys under the tree
Have now gone
completely missingYou’ve been hit by
You’ve been struck by
Reverse Santa Claus
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her: this is the worst date EVER
me: ugh. i told you not to eat the pit
I don’t really ask for much, just good health and happiness. Oh, and a tater tot as big as my head.
A funny thing happened on the way to my potential.
if you find a corpse and nobody claims it in three days, well, free corpse
Wife: what are you doing?
Me: rewatching Frozen.
Wife: why?
Me: so I know what’s going on when I take our Daughter to see Frozen II.
Wife: why?
Me: so we can talk about both movies on the drive home.
Wife: why?
Me: cause she loves Frozen and I want to share this with her.
People think getting married young is a bad idea.
I got married young and everything worked out.…not with her, obviously, but still.
GF: So we just wanted to say we’re engaged!
HER DAD [looks at me] you should have asked me first
ME: You’re not really my type though
when someone rings the doorbell
The perfect introvert’s party cake doesn’t exis…
ME: [slowly heating water containing frog]
WIFE: what are you doing!
ME: [adding bubble bath] Ribbit Downey Jr had a stressful day
Sometimes I’ll be staring at my phone for a few minutes and be like “what was it I was doing” then I’ll be like “oh yeah I’m driving a car”
Maybe being fat isn’t bad, it just sounds awful because we say ‘morbidly obese’. Let’s switch it to ‘cheerfully obese’ and see what happens.
They’ve postponed the Olympics, so I’m going to back off the intensity of my workouts.
Professor X: Being literal is not a superpower
Guy: But-
Wolverine: Look man, just take the L and leave
Guy: *Drives away*
Woverine: Oh no you didnt!
Change is always hard….
Especially when a jar of it falls on your head.
Just knowing that I have to get out of bed tomorrow is already annoying and it’s not even dark yet.
My ex is selling the vehicle I lost my virginity in. I really loved that skateboard.
Me: I’ll start work early so I can stop working earlier
Also me: *just works twice as many hours cuz I started earlier
want to make it creepy? just add in my pants to whatever
Merry Christmas…in my pants
Happy New Year…in my pants
EARTH: Goodnight Moon
MOON: Goodnight Earth
EARTH: Come closer and give me a kiss
MOON: Okay
{millions perish in massive tidal wave}
Existing is a pretty remarkable achievement.
“Must you lick the knife?”
“Sorry,force of habit” I said “Loads of people do it though, don’t they?”
“Yes, but not during surgery, Doctor”
Kids often make sketchy claims that can be easily laughed off but once in awhile you find yourself doing things like checking to see whether “confuzzled” is actually a word.
welcome to your forties now your eyebrows grow from your left shoulder
I really wanna cuddle a great big bear but the biggest shame is that I’ll probably only get to do it the once.
Catwoman’s full name is Catherine Woman.
what idiot called it the sun instead of a space heater?
WHAT DO WE WANT!!!
A cure for hangovers
WHEN DO WE WANT IT!!!
Please stop yelling
Elbows may look like chicken skin, but they don’t fry up the same.
The question had been asked millions of times over thousands of years and I don’t know if science will ever answer the question:
How can a child this small take up so much room in a king sized bed