Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

“Bjork” would make a great name for a beet-based pork substitute.

wife calling me in the grocery store: where are you???

me: i’m over in the cereal.

wife: but i’m in the cereal aisle.

me: *whispers* open the box.

Boss: How is the project coming along?
Me:*closing browser of sick kick flip videos* Totally rad…icalizing our sales data analysis, Sir.

[me giving a TED Talk]

*repeatedly pronounces a hard first ‘c’ in ‘science’*

*touches a turtel* *dies*
*touches a plant* *dies*
wow mario are u allergic to evreything or wat

Sometimes I really want to throw paper at people. Brick shaped Paper. Made of brick.

corner shelves seem like such an ingenious use of space until you try to put stuff in them

HER: did u know dinosaurs can’t jump

ME: duh, they’re all dead, karen

Getting my hair done Monday.
Good news for the kids who scream “WITCH” as they pass by my house, bad news for the birds that live in it.

Perms are just rad skateparks for lice.

Sure, it was awkward when my phone went off in church and started playing “Highway to Hell,” but I wouldn’t say it RUINED your mother’s funeral.

For those of you wondering why there’s no swim-up bar in the Olympic pool that swimmers can visit mid-race for a pina colada, it’s for financial reasons: given the cost of hiring bar staff and the 8-person limit in the pool, there’s just no way a bar would be financially viable.

The workers will arrive to install something in the kitchen. Let that sink in.

When I’m behind a slow car I steer my car a little to the right so the people behind me can see it isn’t my fault.

Friend: Why are there 5 FBI agents sitting at desks in your bedroom?

Me: Ordered a small bureau on line and this is what they sent.

Whenever I left a door open, my mum would ask if I was born in a barn, which is odd because you’d think she’d remember something like that.

i do this stupid thing where i water my garden on the day it rains, but in my defense, the rain reminds me that they need to be watered

*gets Ouija board*

Spirits, are there Pringles in the kitchen?

[broken down by the side of the road]

ME: I think it’s the carburetor.
WIFE: You sure?
ME: Absolutely.
WIFE: Do you even know what that is?
ME: Of course.
WIFE: What does a carburetor do?
ME: It carburetes.

My best friend just ask me to be her maid of honor. What did I ever do to her???

They invented the word metallic, because irony was already taken.

Me: In my day we all had to watch the same thing, at the same time, on the same screen

My kids: NOOOOO!!!

Just saw a boneless KFC commercial followed by an ad for apple flavored beer. Anyone remember when adults didn’t act like five year olds?

Hi, I want to get a tattoo to express my individuality. Do you mind if I look through this book of tattoos you’ve done for other people?

HUSBAND: We’re meeting my parents at noon. Did you shower yet?

(flashback to me using a wet wad of toilet paper to wash my armpits)

ME: Yes.

PitbullPhobia: An extreme or irrational fear of singing alone.

*fills the ice tray once*

I’M THE ONLY ONE WHO DOES ANYTHING IN THIS PLACE

Very proud of my HOA community. A Karen took a picture of home & posted it to the community FB group saying she didn’t like the color they painted it & she shouldn’t be forced to look at it, was reporting it to the HOA. Everyone banded together to criticize her & now she’s moving

Before I get out of an elevator, I hug every single person in there with me and whisper in their ear “You’ve taught me so much.”

[working at zoo]
“Are you the idiot who fed peanuts to the panda?! They don’t eat nuts!”
– They’re legumes
“They’re mammals”
– What?
“What?”