all the video games my bf plays are like “would you like to Search Beehive?” and he’ll say yes and it’ll be like “you have found: A Bee”
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How amazing is it that nobody in the same Kingdom as Cinderella , had the same sized feet as her ?
She should play the lottery too !
13YO: gonna fire up the grill tonight fam? let’s goooo!
ME: *listening to the hail while lightning strikes the tree in the backyard*
13YO: wut?
SUPER-VILLAIN: Join me! Together we would be unstoppable!
HERO: Ok
SUPER-VILLAIN: What’s that now?
HERO: I’m in
SUPER-VILLAIN: Oh. I wasn’t really prepared for you to accept.
HERO: My therapist said to try new things
SUPER-VILLAIN: This is awkward
HERO: I’ll get my stuff
I just realized my slack status for the last hour has said “hot dog” because I was searching for the hot dog emoji so I could note that I was at lunch but I just typed “hot dog” as my status and then it just gave me that lil 💬 guy as the emoji. Everyone’s slackin me “hot dog”
everyone: IT WAS COLD OUT THIS MORNING BUT NOW ITS WARM! WHATEVER SHALL WE DO?
me: finally *slowly unzipping my khakis at the knee so they become shorts* now is my time to shine
I’m getting arthritis in my pinky finger which is making it painful to drink tea in my upper-class social circles.
BOSS: is your make up tattooed on?
ME: yeah it’s exhausting to have to put it on every single morning
BOSS: why a clown though
Congrats, YouTube. the algorithm really nailed my 10 year-old with ads for boxed wine, divorce attorneys and the swiffer wet jet
I had to cut my own toenails. This pandemic is bullshit.
Some of y’all tomorrow …
Me: please tell me my future, madame
Palm reader: *studies my hand* it says ‘lots of seks and the good cheeses’
Me: awesome
Palm reader: in sharpie
Me: yeah
Palm reader: you’re going to die alone
the scariest thing about jeff bezos is that he is impossible to ratatouille
When parents say to kids “go to ur room & think about what you’ve done” it’s really good practice for what you’ll do every night as an adult
Apparently, if you scream into a pillow at Target you have to buy it.
Ok why even have a pool if you can’t do ANYTHING in it
If your last name is Brown, naming your kid Encyclopedia, is a pretty boss move.
What is a Sherpa?
“Let me summit up for you.”
What can you do when your in-laws give uncomfortably long hugs while greeting you?
Search their pockets. You might want to ask if they’re carrying anything sharp like knives or needles.
I know that now.
ME: I’m gonna punch my boss right on the nose
PRIEST: you can’t tell me about sins in advance
Sees friend from highschool. Gives friend a big hug. Refuses to let go of friend. Becomes siamese friends.
Thursday
m’lady
I love when people tell me to get my act together and I’m like who the hell is acting geez.
If a gifted child is put up for adoption, is he a regifted child?
customarily, clothes go in the hamper not next to it
Anti-Hero if Taylor Swift was in a SKA BAND @Skatunenetwork
Interviewer: What skills do you have?
Me: Mind control
Interviewer: EXCELLENT YOUVE GOT THE JOB
Doctor: “I’m sorry, sir, but you have an STD. I suggest you make a list of all your partners–”
Lou Bega: “Way ahead of you.”
me: there’s a bunch of cars following us
date: yes we’re on a rollercoaster
*cracking knuckles, sharpening ax, loading 12-gauge*
Alright, it’s time to recite some poetry