Guys if you are into a girl you have to be confident enough to look her right in the eye on her Facebook profile pic & press the Like button
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You can tell a lot about people, you just don’t need to.
turtleneck: oooh cozy
mock turtleneck: oOoH cOzY
Just because I’m Irish doesn’t mean I am always drunk. It means I always want to be.
My last relationship was so bad, it featured Pitbull.
I usually roll around in the magazine aisle at Barnes and Noble before a date because I want to smell nice, but I’m on a budget.
The roof of my mouth just healed from that Hot Pocket I had in 2003.
Women are like ripe peaches, they don’t keep as well in the refrigerator after they’ve been cut in half.
Wife [returns home] have you eaten
Me: have you eatenWife: are you copying me?!
Me: are you copying meWife: I Love You
Me: I already ate
Couldn’t remember the name ‘komodo dragon’ earlier so I called it a biguana.
They’re stuck in your pants?
I don’t pluck my unibrow to look good, I do it because McDonald’s sued me for illegal use of the double arches.
“Here mom, hold this.”
Translation: I own you now.
Welcome to anxiety club, I really hope more people show up. Maybe there was a terrible accident and everyone that was coming is now dead
MAGICIAN: Is this your card?
ME: No
MAGICIAN: Is this your card?
ME: No
MAGICIAN: This one?
ME: No. When is our regular postman back from holiday?
In my previous life I was a gorgeous philosopher named Mediocrates
CW: can i ask a stupid question
ME: sure u seem qualified
[doing crunches]
Me: get it? ab solution?
Priest: so excommunicated
Football Team: Huddle up!
Me: Mm, this is nice
FT: Who are you
Me: So warm, so snug
FT: Break. Break now!
Me: Don’t go nice man-castle
keep your friends close but your smartphone closer
Wanna quit smoking? Wear boxing gloves. Can’t light them and you can beat people.
Just got a Life Alert bracelet. Now, if I get a life, I’ll immediately be alerted…
DAVID BLAINE: *cracks open egg, butterfly flies out*
ME: cmon man
DB: *cracks open 2nd egg, 9 of clubs pops out*
ME: I’m so hungry, David
Nothing’s more important than family, particularly if your kidneys are starting to fail.
me, to my kid: you have a job- you eat breakfast, you get dressed, brush your hair and teeth and put on shoes
my kid: I hate my job. I wanna quit.
Even when I change my mind, it still doesn’t work any better.😁
I hunt my potatoes the old way. Naked, in the snow, with a bow and arrow.
Telling my kids this is why dinosaurs went extinct
Me: god you’re sexy
Her (sultry whisper): I’ll bet you say that to all the women
Me (sultry whisper): not my mom
In pretty sure my wife’s most prized possession is her plastic bag full of other plastic bags.