all these baby pumpkins drained of their spice and discarded behind a Starbucks
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Dear makers of women’s clothing, Pants pockets should be like poetry: DEEP ENOUGH TO BE MEANINGFUL.
Your boss takes you way more serious if you text him a picture of him sleeping in bed..
Pretty sure my dog is even ashamed of me right now, and I’ve seen him do some questionable shit.
Don’t ask.
OBITUARY WRITER: so how would u describe urself
ME: oh, very literaly. i guess u could say im… [lowering sunglases] lowering sunglases
Her: I don’t like you drinking vodka straight.
Me: Well, I can put on skinny jeans and purple V-neck to gay it up a little bit.
[Traffic Stop]
Cop: Sir, please step out of the car
Me: But you said…
Cop: I said 3 minutes tops & you promised not to touch the siren.
Going to couples therapy with my alibi until we make it work because I’m not giving up on this relationship.
The funniest bit of advertising nonsense is when companies redesign their product packaging but also put “New Look!” in huge letters on it. Yeah guys, I’m buying your mac n cheese because of the updated font size on the box.
no caffeine: day 6
-sleeping better
-stable moods
-less anxious
-can’t think straight
-i’m exhausted
-3 people are dead
We need more names like Benedict Cumberbatch:
Omelet Easydozen
Florentine Pepperbatter
*accidentally walks into lion’s den
*goes back to party in lion’s living room
[fancy daughter comes back from her first semester at culinary school in the big city] Well well well if it isn’t
Me: a pessimist sees the glass half empty; an optimist see the glass half full.
Wife: [returning from the restroom] why is half my mimosa gone?
Me: because you’re a pessimist.
“I can’t believe putting bears in charge of the hospital administration system didn’t work out. They just kept eating all the patients!”
“Maybe we should let the bears choose the doctors?”
“And run the hospital cafeteria!”
“More bear involvement is obviously the answer!”
Her: “Add insult to injury why don’t you”
Me: “Your broken leg looks fat in that cast”
I let my work email inbox get too full and now I can’t send or receive emails. I don’t know why I didn’t think of this sooner.
“Do people really become like their pets?” I wonder, absentmindedly raising a leg above my head and staring into space.
“When I said Legos, I meant Roblox, but don’t worry about it. Santa knows what I meant.”
My 4YO, on the evening of December 23rd.
Sisyphus rolling the boulder up the hill and watching it roll back down again but it’s me muting advertisers on this app.
You found poison in his stomach? But he HATED poison!
Anyone got any tips on how to conduct an exorcism, but like subtly?
Those stupid stress balls don’t work!!!… I just ate one, and it got stuck in my throat… And now, I’m more stressed than before!!!
Don’t hate me cause I’m beautiful, hate me cause I stole your lunch out of the office fridge
*walks through door to find entire family standing on various pieces of furniture
Me: Floor Is Lava??
12: No, spider fell from ceiling and we lost it
Me: OH SHIT! *jumps on counter
My 3-year-old was having yogurt for breakfast. He decided to pretend it was ice cream. Then got mad at me because it really wasn’t ice cream.
There aren’t enough condom ads in the world.
What’s something you had to put on “pause” for lockdown? I guess for me it’s picking up my kid from a birthday party.
when you were a kid did the kids tv programmes do this thing where they hit people with a “custard pie” but the “pie” was clearly just a paper plate with a little bit of foam on it, as though we were stupid. As though we could not perceive their dishonour
Thinking of opening a new deli in India but I have no idea what to call it.
SPELLING BEE
“Defiant”
Can I have the definition, please?
“No”
“delete your account” and what, leave my children NOTHING