all these baby pumpkins drained of their spice and discarded behind a Starbucks
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[babysitting]
Ok well sorry I threw all your kid’s toys into the ocean but maybe next time be more clear if you suggest we have a tea party
Plot twist
*Where do YOU see ME in 5 years..
[2045]
The national language is Yeet. Your daughter’s fiancé is a YouTuber whose legal name is Landon FTW.
Me, filling out a gym membership: I dropped my pen. Can I have another?
Trainer: Can’t you just pick that one up?
Me: If I were in good enough shape to go around picking up pens all willy nilly I wouldn’t be here
In college I had 3 girlfriends at the same time. 10 years and a wife later, I have 0 girlfriends. Stay in school kids.
If your wife says “take out the trash” do not reply with “you cooked it you take it out.”
Me: Can I get the leftovers to go?
Waiter: You can only take your own food
I call my job ‘Workle’ because it usually takes me 4 to 6 tries to get anything done.
If you’re the smartest person in the room, you are in the wrong room.
Hate it when I’m at a hotel & the maid leaves her cart unattended & the only thing I can grab before getting caught is 3 dozen shower caps.
Never judge a book by its cover…
Take it to dinner and see how it treats the waitstaff, then judge it.
Coffee so strong I’m starting to believe I’m The Flash.
How to make a woman scream in the bedroom: marry her and leave your clothes on the floor.
Seize the day! Kidnap the evening! Murder the night! Assault the afternoon!
My super power is being that person in all your crowd selfies staring directly into your camera.
Welcome to our chain hotel, breakfast is served from three in the morning until two minutes after you first start feeling hungry
Online dating has its good points. You can choose your own name, lie through your teeth and you can’t smell their breath.
If you can tell from my eye contact at the grocery store that I’m inviting you to race shopping carts, you’re my kinda people.
I was ringing this 0800 number for two days before I realised it was their opening hours.
I want to go see the new Queen movie but I am just a poor boy from a poor family…
I started cooking dinner, and my 7yo paused in her playing, gave me a hard side eye, and opened the window in anticipation of smoke. That burn is worse than anything I could do to the food, y’all.
Whoever is bringing me the 3 dozen donuts each morning, thank you. But could you just leave them on my desk and not in the break room?
tonight at the bar, ask a woman if you can buy her a drink. If she says yes, hand that lucky lady a Starbucks gift card and walk away
Being rude underwater is snarkeling
Me: your snowman can look however you like sweetheart
2: *sticks arms in snowman’s head*
Me: not like that
Forget ‘Drive like your kids live here,’ drive like you have 4 large diet cokes on your passenger seat
Arrest that man!
“Ah, Mr Bond, I-”
*closes laptop lid and pulls up trousers*
“-wasn’t expecting you.”
Sometimes I feel like Twitter has run its course. Then I remember everyone here hates running.
*Adds broccoli to recipe for the health benefits*
*Picks broccoli out while eating it*