all these boys want a goth girlfriend but don’t study the moves of one gomez addams.
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[watching TV]
“Buy her the perfect diamond earrings for the holidays…”
Wife: Those are perf-
Me: *changes channel*
Existential crisis becomes ex’s tinsel crisis, when Christmas is involved
I can’t wait until my kids have a place of their own so I can come barging through their door & say “what’s for dinner? I don’t like that. Can you give me money for McDonald’s?”
you could post a photo of a celebrity like “she looked so cool in the 90s” and some freak will quote tweet it like “Yeah, she looked so cool in the outfit she wore to go run over 15 people with her car on June 4th, 1993.” and it’s like i’m sorry why would i know about that
Theresa nothing worse about a breakup than your ex’s name autocompleting whenever you type a word that starts with Theresa same letters
The government has already implanted chips in our heads. Mine are barbecue
“You better not laugh. You better not cry.” — Santa Claus, gynecologist
In some countries your Honor, a nude man painted in bronze while urinating in a public fountain would be considered art.
[police station]
Cop: *slams fist* YOU’RE THE COPYCAT KILLER!
Suspect: *slams fist* YOU’RE THE COPYCAT KILLER!
Cop: *mumbling* am not.
Dental office: fill out this giant package of paper & get in line.
Me: I’m paying cash.
Dental office: *unhooks red rope* right this way ma’am, would you like some champagne?
*man on tv sweeps items off desk and passionately embraces woman*
Me: How romantic.
*husband passionately throws folded laundry off bed*
Me: WTF
“Hey dude, my eyes are up here, and over here, and over here too.”
-a potato
God has left this place
[googling recipes for success and checking the cupboard]
well I hope it calls for a 3 yr old bag of marshmallows
Sick and tired of my bank account taking a hit whenever I buy stuff.
I’m hiring a motivational speaker for my lazy eye.
I’m no scientist, but if that ebola virus is communicable, that means WE CAN TALK TO IT.
i’d never pick the lesser of 2 evils because that means they’re not even good at being evil either
if anne hathaway doesnt say anne hatharrived every time she walks into a room she’s wasting a great opportunity
My dog just swallowed a bag of Scrabble tiles, so I took him to the vet.
No word yet.
Let a monkey out of the lab and he’ll have a nice day in the park.
Teach a monkey to escape the lab and 43 of the will populate the whole eastern seaboard.
Bow Wow’s full name is actually Boward Woward
I read this article that said your heartbeat will try to synch up with your music, which makes it sound like if someone’s suffering a cardiac arrest you could just put on some death metal and crank it
14 takes out the trash and recycling without being asked
Me:
guy in the stall next to me at this bar is ordering a pizza on the phone & I now realize my commitment to pizza is severely lacking
I’m just a girl standing in front of a cat who followed me to the bathroom.
I never understood why people wear black clothes when they want to be sneaky
They should wear leather armor, because it’s made of hide.
I can tell by the dents & busted tail light on your car you are serious about making this lane change work for you come Hell or high water.
I’ve been practicing Social Distancing my whole life.. Just sayin.
M: Come to bed…
Her: I have a headache
M: You’re a robot!
H:
M:
H: …SELF DESTRUCT[BOOM]
M: Nice try but you’re still under warranty!