all these boys want a goth girlfriend but don’t study the moves of one gomez addams.
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Googles: what to do with 100 dyed hard boiled eggs
Google: do you have any enemies?
I phonebanked for @BernieSanders tonight and my skin is now clear, my gpa is rising, and my crops are flourishing
BRAIN: here comes a compliment guys
HEART: yay!
ANXIETY: idk about this
INSECURITY: [bats it away] close one
life coach: be the best version of yourself
me: I am
life coach: hahaha wait are you serious
Mood: Shredding documents but realizing I didn’t double check if they were the correct ones and now frantically searching for the Undo button on the shredder
I know I’m not alone but my biggest pet peeve is when one of the residents in my home yells from the kitchen to no one in particular (me), “ARE THE DISHES IN THE DISHWASHER CLEAN OR DIRTY?”
If I stop talking to someone, I don’t delete them from my phone, I just change their contact info to Scam Likely
My buddy: “Yeah spring break, man! Have an awesome one!” *hangs up*
Me: *Covered in blood and barricaded into a room in Castle Dracula, screaming into phone* “NO! BRING STAKE! BRING STAAAAAKE!”
Just saved my overly curious wife from the US Government right as she was about to Google “where do cannibals get their meat?”
Those 11 British actors I watch on every single show must be so tired.
McDonald’s just offered me a coupon book to promote the mcrib in a tweet?? Lmao no thanks,, im not THAT cheap. Not like the McDonald’s™️ McRib™️ sandwich. So tangy. So delicious. A little slab of heaven for a mere $2.99 now available for a limited time only
I tried on a pair of shorts at Target and they fit perfectly. I went to check the size and apparently I’m “husky child”
Satan: What’s that?
God: Babies. I made them the sweetest creatures in the universe.
Satan: I see. *invents screaming*
God: lol good one!
Astrogeologists: do telescope/remote sensing on distant objects.
Astrologists: use horoscope/do not remotely make sense/object when dissed.
I come from a long line of idiots. One of my ancestors was stabbed to death by his fellow Greeks for shouting ‘Brojan Horse amirite’ while waiting inside to ambush Troy.
Eye of the Tiger came on the radio and I got so excited the macaroni salad I was making is all over the walls and the cat has a black eye.
Them: What year is your car?
Me: It’s brown.
Me: *drowning*
My Fitbit: great job!! Your first ever exercise!
I don’t need to read the room I already know how it ends
*watching Only Murders In The Building*
Me: “Where are all the crows?”
It breaks my heart to know that I live in a country where some of its citizens actually can’t believe that isn’t butter.
[First day studying philosophy]
Professor: I like to start up each class by sparking a debate. You. You over there. Say something that we can discuss.
Me: Me?
Professor: Yes.
Me: Err… Err… Does a hotdog ever become a colddog?
Professor: Actually, not you. Someone else.
I made a huge to do list for today. I just can’t figure out who’s going to do it.
[watching Harry Potter in bed]
Harry: please leave
“Check, please!” – Me, at a restaurant begging the waiter to make sure there are no monsters under the table
The urge to throw a coconut at someone.
I’m so stoned…….. It took me three tries to turn out the bathroom light.
Turns out the toilet flush handle does not control the lights.
Instead of a promise ring, I wear an onion ring
I’m saving my appetite for something pure
how to achieve the perfect smokey eye: apply eyeliner yesterday
Plucked an unruly wiry white hair from my head and then missed it instantly 😔