Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I’m a kid at heart, an old man at my joints and dead at the pancreas

I’m totally onboard with the public outrage. I’ll be watching the Olympic women’s beach volleyball solely to point out hidden satanic messages.

While Taylor Swift’s boyfriends were exported overseas during the Trump years, only during Joe Biden’s administration were we able to bring this job back to the United States.

I have the same toxic argument every Thanksgiving where I insist that Sopranos is the American Evangelion and my late 60s/early 70s uncle keep reiterating they haven’t watched any animes and don’t really have strong opinions on TV :/

1st date: get whatever you want
2nd date: these desserts are expensive
3rd date: let’s split an appetizer
4th date: waiter, I have a coupon

today i learned that up to half of the worker ants in a colony are only pretending to work. just looking busy so they don’t get tasked with anything. i respect ants so much more

Coworker: Pass your random drug test?

Me: With flying colors!

CW: Really?

Me. So many colors!

CW: You’re high right now aren’t you?

mom always warned us not to sit too close to the TV, but we turned out pergectly fime.

13-year-old: I have to stay up late. I have homework.

Me: What were you doing earlier?

13: Resting so I could stay up late.

[1st day as judge]

Murderer: [waves at me]

Me [waves back]: He seems nice

Lawyer: He killed six people

Me: He probably didn’t mean it

I’m so grateful when people tell me to drive safe cause then I remember not to drive off that cliff.

This woman got so offended when I asked if I could pet her son, like I’m the one who put him on a leash.

he was a gator boy
she said catch you later boy
she was with animal control

I’m done – Now even the damn ouija board is asking me who I’m voting for in the election

Him: I’d take a bullet for you

Me: I’ll allow it.

got an email from my bank saying “is your 401k enough to retire on” and it’s like you are my bank you know it is not

I hate people who take drugs.
Especially Border Patrol

You could murder someone in California and they wouldn’t even arrest you as long as you properly composted the body.

Asks AI, “I nicked my leg shaving.”

AI results, “Remove leg”

I think my brother and I just solved The Duh Vinci Code

When you have a mouse in the house you suspiciously check everything for nibbles before you eat it.
Toddler in the house = same.

Therapist: You seem annoyed & distant today

Whatever, I write on a tiny piece of paper before sending it across the room via carrier pigeon

Me: I think I broke my arm. Take me to the hospital.
That one friend: I’ll make you a tincture with frankincense & eucalyptus. Then grind some Spanish moss and nettles in my mortar and pestle. You’ll be right as rain.

Nana: I found you on twitter
Me: …
N: so you like the butt stuff
Me:…
N: me too
Me:…

ME: [spotting Diane across the room] Diane!

ANNE: ARE YOU THREATENING ME?!

I’m sorry I put a collar on your baby. I thought it was a Pug.

I have unrealistic expectations of my anti aging cream

I’m a pancake in that I’m attracted to all cakes equally.

Pro tip: Don’t moan when getting a pat down at airport security

Wife: Why don’t you buy me flowers?

Me: I didn’t realise you sold them. Also why are you talking like a pirate?