Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[wakes up from a 15 year coma] sweet, x files still goin strong

This lady was being so rude to me in the grocery line so rather than say anything to her, I invited everyone behind her to go ahead of me. Today, I had time.

Me: “Gee Thanks for spilling Cheerios all over the floor.”

3yo: “You’re welcome Mom, look at this!”*scatters more on floor

I deserve that.

I may forget what I opened the fridge for but I remember every time anyone has ever wronged me

Him: I don’t think we should drink while we do yard work anymore

Me: *powerwashing the lawn* why not

Imagine going on a date with someone holding a fish in their dating profile picture and when you get to the restaurant it’s just a salmon sitting there waiting

The pipes burst at my best friend’s house and I accidentally told someone his water broke

Gift cards are another way of saying, don’t spend this on dope.

I’m having an out of money experience.

DATE: Do you like cats?

ME: *flipping menu* What page are you on?

I got about 8 seconds into explaining the Kate Middleton situation to my French husband before he told me, in the Frenchest voice imaginable, “ah yes, that’s why we decided not to have those sorts of people anymore”

Me: *pushes chips forward* I’m all in.

Dealer: Sir, for the last time those are Doritos.

If Donald Trump becomes president, we could finally out-crazy North Korea.

the concept of santa actually pisses me off a lot. i work hard all year to buy my kids presents, but all the credit goes to some fat old guy who squeezes down my chimney, eats my food, makes out with my wife, and disappears. this is bullshit

going to tell my kids this was benjamin franklin

my astrological sign is a french fry

Chuck Norris once gave an uppercut to a horse!
Now we have Giraffes.

[interview at Bass Pro Shops]

So, tell me a little about yourself.

Me: *dressed in camouflage* Wait, you can see me?!

me: *emerging from a ten year coma*

dad: well look who finally got up

In honour of Agatha Christie, turn off all the lights and kill one of your work colleagues.

Yeah sex is great, but have you ever rubbed your eyes for a really long time? O. M. G.

I pooped in 8 stores today.
New record.
2 of them had restrooms.

God: I need one more rib please

Adam: No

God: Come on man, I can see the future… this is going to be a problem

Adam: I said NO

God: ugh, fine *calls McDonalds* sorry guys but the McRib is gonna have to be limited time only

Man, my 84-year-old neighbor must REALLY like working on his car. He’s been under there changing the oil for 3 days.

me, drunk, into the remote: alexa, how do i charge my milk when it’s at 2%?

Overheard

Woman in convenience store to her boyfriend: If you really loved me, you’d buy me a lemur.

Ernest Hemingway buys a pair of shoes mail order, but accidentally orders in a baby’s size. He tries to sell them, but no one understands

I may regret eating so many deviled eggs this weekend, but my family will regret it more.

My weirdo cat only drinks from a glass on the kitchen bench. I was chatting to a visiting friend in the kitchen and noticed the cat glass was empty so I filled it. 5 minutes later it was empty again. My friend had just drunk two delicious glasses of cat water. I didn’t tell him.