All these gift wrapping videos going viral as if your kids aren’t going to rip into that shit like feral hyenas finding a half dead zebra during a drought.
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If you really wanna honor the spirit of 2017, instead of kissing someone at midnight, push them off a bridge
My boys are all taking a week break from electronics. This morning I introduced myself to them and showed them around our home. then I took them outside and showed them the big bright light in the sky.
Movies didn’t prepare us for the apocalypse to be this stupid
I AM dressing for the job I want (I want to be a sweatpants model)
Me: I have this strange feeling that somebody in this house is possessed by an owl.
Wife: Who?
Me: 😮
bought candy at the movies and suddenly i can’t pay this months rent anymore
“Strap in ladies, it’s going to be a bumpy ride,” I say as I put on my extra supportive sports bra before my workout.
Boy ant: Feel like a swim?
Girl ant: Can’t, I’m not boy ant.
Is Dutch some sort of clown language
Pretty burnt out on the typical lead female in a book who can do anything, and every man wants her. How about a middle aged woman who has had two gin & tonics by 5:30, is wearing sweats, and is glad there’s leftovers so she doesn’t have to cook yes this tweet is oddly specific.
[at fancy-dress party shouting over all the barking]
“YOU NEED TO LEAVE”
me dressed as a giant vacuum cleaner: “I DIDNT KNOW YOU HAD 6 DOGS”
Most fears fill us with doubt and “what ifs” that imprison us. The more you do to get out of your comfort zone, the more fear will subside. In life, do what scares you, and you’ll grow and succeed!
📸: @blessingmanifesting
6 yo: I’m getting bigger, this house won’t fit me much longer.
got kicked out of a morgue for promoting body positivity
Me: *pulls the spider web off my face* ugh gross
Spider: *very hungry* dammit
[emerging from my time machine during the Byzantine-Arab War]
ME: Excuse me, what year is it?
MAN: It’s 830.
ME: [whispering] sorry to wake you, dude. what year is it?
[fluffing Pillow]
Me: so what made you pick Pillow as a stage name?
I love it when I’m cooking a meal and half way through I realise I don’t have all the ingredients so I improvise by eating a cake instead.
“You look tired”
Well you’re crap at compliments.
There are some “IDIOTS” in this world, That Always Reply “NO” to every question we ask them….
now tell me, Are you one of Them?
if u see a BEAR in the woods PLAY DEAD. it will be good PRACTICE for when u are ACTUALLY dead in a few SECONDS
If you run through an airport yelling “Marybeth I love you don’t go!” then you can cut through so many lines of people who like romance.
My husband asked me why I never blink during sex, I told him there just isn’t enough time.
Thanks to Sesame Street, I grew up thinking that Americans had a particular problem with counting.
It’s not illegal to get in a taxi and scream until you’ve reached your destination.
Found pickle trapped next to a rock in the river. Grabbed it out of curiosity. Realized it was a pickle. Grossed out I threw it back into river. Decided I needed a picture. Chased pickle down the river. Jumped in river in newly thrifted sneakers for pickle. Took picture. Voila.
I bought a dead houseplant so it wouldn’t stick out like a sore thumb once I got it home and put it with the others.
[taking girlfriend out]
her dad: have her back at a reasonable time
me: don’t worry sir *clicks seatbelt* i have her back all the time
her dad: propose
There is “Tea” in Team and I am not sure what I am trying to say here but it’s very inspirational.
The best way to get me to agree with you is to be attractive.