All these gift wrapping videos going viral as if your kids aren’t going to rip into that shit like feral hyenas finding a half dead zebra during a drought.
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optimus prime: did she just wink at me?
me: i think she’s turning left
Went to Vegas and all I came back with was 5 extra pounds and a key chain.
Sesame Street has been on the air since 1969. Working with kids that long, it’s no wonder Cookie Monster is an addict & Oscar is a grouch.
When writing science fiction, always Google your made-up planet name; 9 times out of 10, it’s an existing yeast infection medication.
My wife left me for a fisherman.
Poor guy’s still reeling.
body: you’re dehydrated
me: I literally just drank a glass
narrator: that was 3 days ago
my kids figured out the password to my wife’s computer and have been sending me these texts as if they were from her
me: ok so it’s a movie about a scientist who builds a zoo that contains prehistoric horses with long necks..
movie exec: i’m not sure that..
me: ..we’ll call it Giraffic Park
movie exec: ok first of all, i love it..
ME: Ha ha bro why is your wife named Purse Phone?
HADES: That isnt… thats not how you say it
Has anyone tried putting all the Wordle answers together to see if they spell out a warning
Hi. My name is Paul. I have a PhD and tenure. Today I decided to test if a bottle of super glue was open by squirting it into my hand.
Then I tried to clean my hand by wiping it on a box.
10 out of 10 babies hate my baby launcher
“I hate seeing you like this,” she thought every time she encountered anyone over the course of the day.
Not only has that ship sailed it has entered the Bermuda triangle
Talk to me when you have a shirt & tie that didn’t come in the same box.*
*Grave robbers exempt.
Each time I use an exclamation point, I feel as if I’m shooting my sentence out of a t-shirt cannon.
Me: that curry was delicious. What was in it?
Hannibal Lecter: it’s a family recipe.
Me: Can I get a spoon to finish off the sauce?
Hannibal: Just mop it up with your nan.
Not enough things are decided by potato sack races anymore.
[interrogation]
“How do u kno the deceased?”
I was his drug dealer.
“Louder for the tape?”
[leans in]
I was his rug feeler. Tested his rugs.
Sometimes, even I can’t tell if I’m being sarcastic or if I’m really just a bitch.
My husband told me the garage light would shut off within 3 minutes of shutting the garage door, and it’s only been 4 days, but I’m starting to think he might be wrong.
I’m re-enacting Titanic today, I’m at the part where Rose is naked on the couch eating Corn Flakes and watching Storage Wars.
She:Hey,Whats up?
Me:Onion prices.
S:You know what I mean,like What’s crackin’?
M:Nutshells.
S:Really?Fine.What’s poppin?
M:Corn.
*Blocked*
You look like somebody ran an uncooked pizza through a washing machine
I don’t want to fold that laundry. Maybe I’ll just put this wet load in there with the dry load and no one will notice.
-me, about to break the dryer
I found a new way to get my wife to wash the car. When ever it gets dusty I write the following on it:
“I wish my Wife was this Dirty”.
I don’t know why guys love anal. My ass is an exit only. Unless I’m drunk. Or he’s rich. Or cute. Or has all his teeth.
“we want grandchildren” sorry hope you like podcasts
Want to make a nerd’s head explode? Go to any site that posted the new Star Wars trailer & write “Where’s Captain Kirk?” in the comments.
Me: Read this tweet.
Wife: Sure.
Me: Is it racist?
Wife: No.
Me: Sexist?
Wife: No.
Me: Is it offensive at all?
Wife: No.
Me: *deletes tweet*