All these gift wrapping videos going viral as if your kids aren’t going to rip into that shit like feral hyenas finding a half dead zebra during a drought.
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one mistake some cult leaders make is predicting armageddon will happen on a specific day. embarrassing to explain afterwards. if i ever lead a group of devoted followers i’d keep shit like that pretty vague
Wife: what are you doing?
Me: writing a Hogwarts letter for when our daughter turns 11.
Wife: but she’s only 3.
Me: I need the extra time.
Wife: why?
Me: to catch and train the owl.
Telling someone they can’t be sad because others have it worse is like telling someone they can’t be happy because others have it better.
give it to me straight doc what can i do to be healthier besides changing my entire lifestyle.
Video games should be banned. My son just threw a turtle shell at a walking mushroom then disappeared down a green tube. Someone call 911.
If you ever ask a teen to do something and they just say “sure” without arguing, check that they haven’t been replaced with an android.
Goodyear: tires
Badyear: 2020
Son #1: Who’s your favorite kid?
Me: It doesn’t matter.
Son #2: Yeah, but who’s your favorite?
Me: Your Mom is my favorite, and I’d bury you both alive on her say-so. Remember that.
I love kids…But stop making me hold your baby. Why are you letting people touch your new born?!?
I don’t let people touch my new iPhone
Her: I love a bad guy
Me: I’ve got some prison tatts.
Her: Ooh. Show me one.
Me: [pulls up my sleeve and points at my arm] This one is of Alcatraz.
Guy on this bus just congratulated his friend for having a birthday. Indeed, congratulations are in order for this unique accomplishment
My dog turning immediately around at the door when he sees the rain like eight-year-old me when I saw my first outhouse at daycamp. No thank you I’m good.
I’m at that age where I keep swatting in the air around my head trying to kill the buzzing mosquito, but realizing it’s just my deviated septum..
Me: *takes her shirt off & sees a padded bra* whoa
Her: I’m so sorry, are you upset?
M: *pulls a salami out of my shorts* let’s call it even
Always have a fake name at the ready so you don’t tell the cops something stupid, like “Andrew Granola.”
How selfish am I? Circus peanuts and black licorice are my favorite candies just so I never have to share.
The person with duct tape holding most of their car together always has the right-of-way.
Social media: We’re getting rid of chronological order.
Everyone: NO!
SM: Cool, right?!
Everyone: NO!
SM: Glad you’re excited!
For those of you worried about AI, I think we’ve got a few more years before Skynet is an issue.
They’re called violin bows not fiddle sticks.
One Flew Over The Cuckoo’s Nest is my favorite book about Twitter
You know those women who write love letters to prisoners? Their vote counts just as much as yours.
Call me old fashioned, but I’m dying of smallpox.
still thinking about the time my bf told me I was “boring and unoriginal,” and the only thing I could respond with was “no, YOU’RE boring and unoriginal”
we’re going out of town in a week if anyone can watch the dinosaurs for us
Wait, there’s a big difference.
Did you say I look like THE Rock or did you say I look like A rock?
I love my new crockpot. Now we can wait longer to eat my horrible cooking.
i want wolverine claws. not for violence or anything. i want them for easing my way through reality. like opening an amazon package. or killing a neighbor.
BANK: Someone made fraudulent charges with your debit card
ME: Wait… how do you know it wasn’t me
BANK: They entered the PIN correctly on the first try
ME: Dear god
Screw your Twitter Crushes and Twitter Husbands and Twitter Nemeses. I want a Twitter Penguin. I want a pet penguin, but only on Twitter.