Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Where it all went wrong

Me: Oh I love your hair, you look like a different person.

Her: Is that what you want?

My nightie is conspiring to kill me in my sleep by pythonic constriction.

I feel like one of these would kill a European

Once in a while I post a subtweet. I hope you’re reading this Susan. I want my Gameboy back. Bitch.

Accidentally connected my Fitbit account to Facebook and now everyone knows I only walked 13 steps yesterday.

Orangutan coworkers be like “What did you have for lunch? I had two oranges, one apple, one coconut, two mangos, three limes, ten lemons, one papaya, a guava, fifty five grapes, and ten kiwis”

*Sees a bum eating out of the trash*
That’s so disgusting. I don’t know how they do that.
*pulls turkey leg out of my hair & takes a bite*

7 thoughts u have when buzfeed steals ur content

-WTF
-OMG
-Huh
-FAIL
-LOL
-NOPE
-why is a multimilion dollar website riping off my twiter

Wife: We need to do something with the kids
Me: I’m so glad you brought this up. Foster care is–
Wife: No, I meant an activity this afternoon

CAUGHT IN A ˢˡⁱᵈᵉ
these freddie videos i swear-

Custom Auto Painting

Food truck owner:
I said I wanted it painted solid white. What’s with the red splotches?

Me: You sell spaghetti.

Wolverine’s mom: If you’re going out take your brother with you
Wolverine: But Mom he’s so weird
Listerine: Nothing weird about fresh breath

Commissioner Gordon: It says here that bats sleep upside down and wee over themselves.

Batman: We also poop.

CG: We?

B: They. I mean they

Human Resources just came up with a cool new term for just about everything I like to do at work. They call it “inappropriate”

Him: We’re going to the river, I should bring my wallet

Me: No just leave it here, wtf do you need it for?

His friend: She doesn’t want you to be found with any identifiers

I got hot wax at the car wash and now the vehicle is hairless.

I have bent many spoons in my life, the vast majority of which involved ice cream. Therefore, ice cream is the primary ingredient of activating supernatural powers.

I’ve only been married for six months now, but after much studying and counseling I’ve come to the conclusion that the key to a successful marriage can be summed up in two words: strategic farting

Woman on bus just pulled her mask down to cough.

Mood: Shredding documents but realizing I didn’t double check if they were the correct ones and now frantically searching for the Undo button on the shredder

My enemy threatened to send one armed man after me, but I’m not worried

I have two arms and should easily overpower him

It’s amazing how fast a baby squirrel can run when you’re chasing it through your living room.

She is very cute, has great energy! 😂

We should be able to pick our zodiac sign, like choosing your piece in Monopoly: “Nope I’m not playing today unless I can be the crab or the lion”

Meanwhile in Canada…

this is the most humiliating day of my life

Back to work after the long holiday weekend, so you’re finally away from the relatives you don’t like, and back with the co-workers you don’t like

THIS is the sort of creativity we need at met galas and runways. I’m obsessed