Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I’ll never have the opportunity to Say Yes to the Dress, but I’ll Say Yes to the Cookie like, three times a day. Minimum.

If someone catches you doing something inappropriate don’t stop, just do it slowly while keeping eye contact.

Shoot for the moon. Even if you miss, you’ll land among the other losers who missed a 15 million square mile target.

What did I do to upset the TikTok algorithm and why does it keep showing me cottage cheese recipes?!

Hello sweatpants my old friend, I’m going to dine in you again

JUDGE: Where were you on the night of the robbery?

*flashback to me chilling at a Taylor Swift concert*

ME: *lips on mic* Doing crimes

Friend: Be adventurous in the bedroom, girls love that

[Later in bedroom]

Me: You like that? *Lays another bear trap* You like that babe?

billionaires spent their money on sex crimes and polluting the ocean. such bullshit. with a billion dollars you could probably get Jeff Goldblum to tuck you into bed or have Stevie Nicks put a hex on you. billionaires are so stupid.

Friend: What have you been watching lately?

Me: Zoom

*gives rubber ducky a swig of my wine*
Everybody in this tub getting tipsy.

I planted all the evidence for evolution once it became clear it did not serve the best interest of My reputation to take credit for you.

For sale: car. Does not stop. You will have to jump in as I jump out. I have been driving this car for three years. Please help me

My body is a temple, please leave pizza and tacos at the altar.

I withdraw my argument. I didn’t realise you had a meme to back you up.

someone tried formatting these windows in a Word doc

7-year-old: Can we leave the house?

Me: We could go for a walk.

7: And then what?

Me: Come back to the house.

7: I’ll just stay here.

When people on House Hunters complain about the color of the room are they not aware of the miracle that is paint?

me: I always follow my moral compass

friend who’s lost in the woods with me: maybe we should’ve followed a compass compass

Get in loser grandma lost at bingo and has gone after the priest.

ME: *traps a spider under a glass*

ROOMMATE: Now what?

ME: *ear to glass* We eavesdrop on him.

Tired: Turner & Hooch

Wired:

They should make a moral fiber supplement

[at stadium with child]
Me: That is batball.
[at the races]
Me: That is horse circles.
[at the opera]
Me: This is horned yodeling.

So I ordered a cake from a renowned bakery in Nagpur, through #Swiggy. In the order details I mentioned “Please mention if the cake contains egg”. I am speechless after receiving the order 👇🏼

shout out to anyone that’s used a tube of super glue more than once

Makes me laugh when a person blows their nose,then look into the tissue to see what came out. Seriously.. what are you expecting to find there?

Sees cute guy in the parking. Drops something so I can bend over & do the sexy hair flip. Forgets I have short hair. He sees me as seizing.

I’m voting [cheers] for a third party candidate [boos] in a blue state [mixed response] in the chalamet lookalike contest [quizzical looks]

I only put healthy stuff in my kid’s lunchbox so the teacher doesn’t judge me.