Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

me: hello 911

operator: actually you’ve reached 116

me: ok can u tell 911 I’m dangling from a cliff

I’ve never done Russian Roulette, but I have been in a public bathroom stall with a child who knows how to open doors.

Are you happy to see me, or is that a banana? Are you covered in bananas? Are you, in fact, a banana tree and incapable of happiness no matter what?

I would only want to be a ghost if I could randomly bite people

I can’t get my 10y/o out of bed in the morning unaided. I have to waft bacon scent in her face and then she wakes up on her own.

when someone asks me my body count do they mean like ted bundy or stormy daniels.

@thefunnytweeter With the way my diet is going, I think I’ll be much more slimmer after this quarantine.

If science is so great why do we only have one vegetable on the cob

HR said I have to stop yelling “let’s make a baby” every time I want to collaborate on a project with someone.

Thought I was having a good hair day. Mother Nature likes to keep my ego in check though.

She’s really good at that.

*from upstairs* HONEY…WHERE ARE MY BUSINESS PYJAMAS??

Starting next year, Santa comes in the afternoon while the kids are watching Netflix in their rooms so we don’t have to stay up all night assembling shit.

RT to cosign.

These childbearing hips have yet to turn one single child into a bear and frankly, I’m disappointed.

Pro Tip: If you don’t have a mask, wearing a jock strap on your face tends to keep people at least 6 feet away from you.

I’m running on 3 hours of poor sleep, this has to be how people end up at the drive-thru wedding chapels.

{Bear walks up to me}
ME: Plays dead
BEAR: Get up, I just want to talk. Who are you voting for in the election
ME: Ugh, a poller bear

[phone rings]

CREEPY VOICE: i know what you did last summer

ME: ?!?

CREEPY VOICE: same thing we all did, try to not get covid

Welcome to our chain hotel, breakfast is served from three in the morning until two minutes after you first start feeling hungry

told my husband I needed a compliment before bed and he called me “steadfast and chaste” I….

What if we’re all misreading this photo and the lobsterwoman is so powerful that she’s actually summoning a lobster out of the ocean into the boat.

Guys I have to work a total of like 18 hours today. Someone hold me. Under water.

[on a date]
ME: Tell me about yourself.
DATE: October 5.

[later]
ME: When can I see you again?
DATE: Maybe in a year.

WIFE: you probably need a shower

KID: why? how do I smell?

ME: *without looking up* with your nose

[ no-look high five from WIFE ]

Me: Well kid, someday all this will be yours. *motions to my Twitter account*

4-year-old: Susie’s dad has a boat.

Me: I bet I totally got like 10,000 steps in today.

My mother: you lost your car in the parking garage didn’t you?

Me: WHY CAN’T YOU EVER JUST BE HAPPY FOR ME?!

Bananas.
Because you can’t stick a watermelon in a tailpipe.

I put my phone in airplane mode and it immediately tried to charge me ten bucks for a can of Coke.

Morpheus: Take the blue pill, story ends

Neo:

Morpheus: Red pill, stay in wonderland

Neo:

Morpheus: Green pill, you learn to juggle

Neo: What-

Morpheus: This purple one is a skittle

(seeing your lamp) you have a pet sun! (touching it, it burns) and i see it’s not trained very well 😐

if the benadryl doesn’t work use the back of a shovel