Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

One of the worst parts of the pandemic was, without a doubt, when celebrities checked in to tell us how difficult their lives have been having to quarantine inside their mansions.

BEACH BOYS: 🎶 Wouldn’t it be nice if we were older?
M. NIGHT SHYAMALAN: 🤔

Kid: “I want to be a doctor when I grow up.”

Mom: “You can’t. Your hands aren’t cold enough.”

inventor of the leaf blower: what if we just yelled at leaves until they moved?

Nothing worse than a reduced love sausage

Potty training the baby is backfiring. Now she waits by the door when I use the bathroom and as soon as she hears the toilet flush, she yells, “Good girl!!”

i would not return the monkeys, I would simply inexplicably have 43 new ugly little children

Netflix and we’ll have to call my ex to get the password.

Twas the night before Christmas, all through the house not a creature was stirring not even my vodka martini because it’s shaken not stirred

[first day as a bartender]

*garnishes all vodka drinks with a raw potato slice*

my son just asked me where do pizzas come from adn has yet to ask me where do babeys come from. thats my boy

Arranged my own kidnapping.

Found out after the fact that there’s no actual napping involved.

I’m awake, in a trunk. This is bullshit.

*maintains eye contact with the McDonald’s employee while slowly filling my cargo shorts with free napkins*

Prince Charming: yes she left her shoe now I can find her!

Friend: uh you can find her by recognising her face

Prince Charming:

Friend:

Prince Charming: she left her shoe

I’m always punctual, which is why I hope to be cremated and used in an hourglass.

My girlfriend said, “Is there basketball on?” then put on the game and walked away. Two hours later, I’m like what is she doing? She’s napping. She turned it on to keep me occupied like a toddler.

Pro tip:
If you really want to make an impact, always have a mouth full of saliva before you “shhh” someone.

Just watched a dog chase its tail for 10 min., thought “damn so easily entertained” then realized I watched a dog chase his tail for 10 min.

Comedians shouldn’t joke about serious issues. They achieved perfection with slipping on banana peels and there was no need to innovate beyond that

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OMG DAD WAT?
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Get off my lawn, Pokemon Go edition

12 *randomly*: Hey, Mama, can I make a twitter account?

Me: *choking on coffee & coughing* No

12: What age do I have to be to make an account on there?

Me: 98

?

No I can’t go questing today my squire has midterms.

I overheard my husband tell his mother how vengeful and vindictive I am. Well, we’ll just see about that.

I don’t care which way the toilet paper faces. I was raised with real problems.

It’s okay when Pac Man runs all over the place eating pills and claiming ghosts are after him but when I do it I’m “crazy.”

You get home from work early. You walk into the kitchen and your dog is peeling a potato. Startled, she yells “IT’S JUST A POTATO!”
#ambien

*school is cancelled indefinitely*

My kids: Mom, why are you crying?