All these girls tweeting about going braless & I’m just over here on my back trying not to look like I have 2 bald guys in a headlock.
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Mixed signals, like when my family members tell me I drink too much all year but on Christmas and my birthday give me cute wine glasses.
If sex doesn’t include peanut butter, a live mongoose, and my psychiatrist taking notes then I don’t want it.
My mum just messaged to say that yesterday she turned off her 20 year old PC, ‘at the wall’, without shutting it down properly. ‘That couldn’t have caused anything, could it?’ 😂
‘Probably’.
If your 8 year old steps on the back of my shoe one more time, I’m going to tell him that Santa isn’t real.
A woman at the grocery store stopped me and asked “Do you know where the cheese is?” and it was the only time in my life that I confidently gave directions.
I live in fear that one day the real “World’s Greatest Dad” is going to show up to reclaim his rightful mug.
I’m guessing that while more honest and accurate ‘Dancing With People Who Are Arguably More Famous Than You But By No Means Could Be Considered Stars’ just wasn’t as catchy as DWTS and really sucks as an acronym.
Just sayin’ people weren’t catching the COVID back when we were eating Tide Pods.
Not going to any more weddings or funerals. Please keep that in mind, friends who are considering getting married or dying.
I wondered why I didn’t find any Easter eggs in my garden.
#EasterBunny #Easter #AmazingFacts #RubbishJoked #DadJokes
*pulls motorist over*
COP: Are you high?
MAN: If I were high would you look like a breathing tree?
*one leaf silently falls from cop*
Her: YOU’RE A PIECE OF SHIT!
Me: Well… at least I’m not all of the shit
There’s a mirror on marketplace and the listing says “never used” like what do you mean???
I’m not saying I’m an idiot…
But if some village comes looking…tell them you never saw me.
I like to drive alone bc when someone else rides w/me my purse doesn’t have anywhere nice to sit.
Knights in white satin do not sound like they would be properly protected in a battle scenario. Yes, they would LOOK incredible but sadly they would die
If PRETTY WOMAN starred WILLEM DAFOE.
Jesus H. Christ.
Oh, I shouldn’t worry? Why didn’t I think of that?
Anime henchmen two seconds after the protagonist resheaths his sword
There were shockingly few machete murders at tennis camp.
Me, seductively: I can tie the stem in a knot using my tongue 😉
Pumpkin patch owner: Get out
My daughter wants to know why I won’t peel and slice her apple and according to her “because I’m driving” is not a valid excuse.
I like to throw a fake punch at a hooker’s crotch. If she flinches, I know it’s a dude.
I bought wings for my employees today and one of them ate 20 wings and then resigned 20 minutes later. Fair play
If A Book Store Never Runs Out Of A Certain Book, Dose That Mean That Nobody Reads It, Or Everybody Reads It
*crawls up from backseat*
*slowly pulls off paper bag from head*
What? No… I’m not embarrassed by your driving
My confessional is just a list of things I’m willing to do for cheese
We rescued an injured coyote once but were totally unprepared for how many Acme products they order.
My dad thought Siri would be more helpful finding a lemon ricotta recipe if he used an Italian accent.