All these late nights solving solved crimes on forensic files is aging me.
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Instead of being frustrated that you only have a 140 character limit just be thankful that I do.
This morning I brushed my hair with an American Girl doll brush because, apparently, she is the only one in my house who puts things back where they belong.
I’m not flirting with disaster, we’re eloping.
7: Mom! Will you play Uno with me?? I already have it set up and I definitely didn’t look at the cards before!
Me: Well I’m convinced.
Me: ‘This may be the booze talking, but that is a VERY snazzy outfit you have on there.’
Cop: ‘Step out of the car, please.’
I don’t need a sugar daddy. I need a chicken wing daddy.
the new ghostbusters r all womans?? seriuosoly. all womans?, this is the most unrealistic thing about the movie about peopel who bust ghosts
When I’m in a room full of toddlers, I can’t help but scan it for potential serial killers
Deodorant? No, I’ve never needed to buy any. People just give it to me, complete strangers sometimes
How to draw a duck
After 8 years of research and an obscene amount of funding, we have determined that bat shit is no crazier than any other shit
Nothing scares me more than when my husband answers me and I’m left wondering just how much he’s actually been listening.
INTERVIEWER: your resume says that you take things too literally
ME: how the hell did my resume say that?
“looks like a burrito fell out his pocket, hes crawling up to get it and crying. thats gonna cost points” – commentators on my snowboard run
It’s exciting to receive a Valentine’s Day card and not know who it’s from. A Father’s Day card, not so much.
Tabasco is pretty much the worst hot sauce widely available but when you need Tabasco specifically nothing else will do
My useless superpower is the ability to trip over invisible objects wherever I go. What’s yours?
older women will do that thing you like.
~bake cookies
You come into my house on this, the day of my dark chocolate soy milk’s expiration?
I’m rubber, you’re glue. I’m destroying the planet and you are made of dead horses
they should invent a hydrating liquor
sometimes ppl ask why they got blocked and it’s bc you posted something annoying so i looked you up, found your address, went to your home, snuck inside, looked in your wardrobe, and didn’t like what i saw
Me: A stranger is just a friend you haven’t met.
Stranger: No.
What if “my anaconda don’t want none unless you got buns, hun” was just Sir Mix-a-Lot saying that his pet snake is a picky eater and prefers bunnies.
I took a Viagra just to see what would happen, I couldn’t sit down for four hours.
Narrator: Ursula should never be left unsupervised.
All I’m saying is I’d rather stick my hand in a tank of piranhas than dig through my wife’s purse.
Black Friday Shopping Tips:
1. You don’t need anything
2. You can’t afford anything
3. You’ll just be in the way
if you give a mouse a fish, he’ll eat for a day
Doctor: Listen to your body more.
Body: You’re old. And you want lasagna.