All these late nights solving solved crimes on forensic files is aging me.
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Oh, you think your kid is cool? My kid just named his new stuffies Ghost and Bones.
Men eventually reach the age when they greet each other with “There he is.”
I act really tough for a person who spent $40 on cookies I dont like because a girl scout was crying
I always wear running shoes while driving because you won’t know what the terrain will be like until after the cop pulls you over.
[slight drizzle outside]
Other motorists: oh no ah what is this wetness I forget how to drive
My upstairs neighbor/friend passed away last week. We’d exchange hilarious barbs with every encounter.
His daughter just came to the door.Her: “My Dad really loved you. He left you this to help you with transportation, Ms. Caramel.”
It was a broom! 😂🤣
peasant 1: okay. So. tithes. blighted or knighted bro?
peasant 2: blighted bro be fr.
peasant 1: right right. next one. Fair maidens?
peasant 2: kniiiiiighted bro hahahaha
peasant 1: yesss bro hahaha
ME: As the leader of the goth party, it is my belief that Friday the 13th should be a holiday
REPORTER: What else does the goth party believe in?
ME: [clearing throat] Ghosts
If I were a rapper I’d write a lyric like “Get money, make cupcakes. Must be winter ‘cuz I be frosting,” and my pseudonym would be One-Zee.
Kind of jealous of how my alarm can go back to sleep after I tap snooze.
My dad to me: When I was a kid, people would suffer paralysis and death from Polio.
Me to my son: When I was a kid, hand dryers barely did anything.
[at Home Depot]
Me: hey, I need some gardening gloves, a tarp, a shovel, and some lye
Clerk: haha, you kill somebody?
Me: our dog died
Clerk: oh God, I’m so sorry…
Me: haha, just kidding. I killed somebody
I’m a total go with the flow kinda person as long as the flow is meticulously scheduled well in advance and there are no mid-flow changes whatsoever
[Job Interview]
Interviewer: Where do you see yourself in five years?
Me: Chief Executive Director of Burrito Operations.
Interviewer: Uh… we’re not a food company.
Me: *leans back, puts feet on the desk, pulls out a burrito* Yet.
If you go to a ghost-themed party and they start burning a giant wooden cross, then you’re not at a ghost-themed party. And you’re an idiot.
I’ve been a single mom for over a year and have not experienced my meet cute for my future husband in the grocery store…wtf
Sometimes, I’m impatient and intolerant.
But other times, I’m sleeping.
Dear Jesus- please let all my texts go to the correct person- Amen
There are four little girls fighting in my house right now because they all want to play family, but nobody wants to be the mom. I’ve never felt so seen.
i think all men sincerely believe they could safely land a commercial airliner in an emergency situation with only air traffic control to walk them through it
There’s a disturbance in the coffee.
Need to know if you’ve been the victim of identity theft? Give me your social security number and I’ll check for you
my student loan account is locked for an hour bc i entered my password wrong twice. who the hell do they think is trying to break in and pay my loans for me. why would i want to prevent that. Pleas let them in
[yelling over the music to club DJ]
ME: YOU DONT HAVE TO HOLD THOSE HEADPHONES UP TO ONE EAR THEY GO ON YOUR HEAD THEY’RE CALLED HEADPHONES
I can remember all the lyrics to “Bohemian Rhapsody” but cannot remember a 15 character tweet while exiting the shower.
kidnapper: we have your son
my dad: ask him if he drank my last pepsi
What I go to Aldi to buy: Bread and milk.
What I actually buy in Aldi:
been a while since anyone declared a thumb war, peace has made us all soft.
The most confusing thing about living with a girl is how much hair they shed. How does her hair look so good? How isnt she bald?
I like to win arguments by backing over the other person with my car