All these late nights solving solved crimes on forensic files is aging me.
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TODAY
Hello, Gotham Child Services. Oh dear. Both dead? My my. Well, does the child have a Butler that can raise him? Cos it’s a lot of paperwork.
Dogs are like hey man don’t get mad at me for taking a dump on your carpet. You do that in my special porcelain water dish
Gets 5 hours of sleep: Wow I’m tired
Gets 8 hours of sleep: Wow I’m tired and I’m late for work
Me: ‘What’s on your menu?’
Restaurant Website: ‘Hahaha! Wouldn’t YOU like to know!’
Me: ‘Yes?’
RW: ‘Our chef trained in London.’
Me: ‘Cool, but what do you actually-’
RW: ‘Local ingredients are so important to us.’
Me: ‘Please, I just-’
RW: ‘RELAX IN OUR LAID-BACK ATMOSPHERE.’
If someone tells you you’re cute, ask them to name 3 other people they find cute so that you can react appropriately.
Dinner conversation:
10YO: What 6 things would you want on a deserted island?
Me: 1) You–
10YO: Seriously? Why would you drag me into that?
A dating site that connects Tupperware containers with lost lids.
Research shows that 100% of tired parents have kids.
People can be dangerous when they have too much power. Giving my 5yo a balloon sword is a perfect example of this.
Meanwhile, in Facebook,
Greta, who dislikes the gays, is about to get a big surprise from her son and his “roommate” of 20 years.
umbrellas are great if you only wanna get wet sideways.
I wonder if sometimes when a serial killer is digging a new hole in his backyard he ever runs into an old project and thinks wistfully, “oh yeah… that guy.”
My friend reckons he’s going to make a fortune flying people about in his invisible aeroplane. I can’t see it taking off.
When I unsubscribe from an e-mail list, and they have one of those annoying surveys asking for a reason why I unsubscribed, I click “Other” and write “I used to make sweet love to your CEO and these e-mails are a painful reminder of our time together.”
The way my kids use toothpaste they’ll never have a cavity in their bathroom sink
Doctor: “Are you ready for your shot today?”
Me: [Puts on a bulletproof vest.] “I’m ready.”
If someone asks if you’ve been crying just say, “why… do you want to watch?” and it will weird them out enough to leave you alone
“Playing hard to get huh?” I say as I flip through your wedding photos on facebook.
*adds Amazon wishlist link to bio*
Me: And now we wait
[2 days later] *nothing*
[1 week later] *still nothing*
[2 weeks later] Kids: Dad, we’re really hungry now
Me: I said, we wait!!!
Can’t. Busy training my new cat to bite people who show up unannounced
My wife was shocked when she found out I was a bad electrician.
If you don’t have plans tonight, head to a crowded restaurant, stand up during the meal, and say “She said yes!”. Free applause and dessert. You’re welcome.
Everyone talks about how good car sex is while I’m still over here trying to have sex with a person first.
What am I supposed to do with all this laundry? And before you answer, I already tried staring out the window and crying for 9 hours.
Baby formula = dad x mom 🤨
*solves baby formula supply chain issues*
I’m walking more to lose weight in order to help my knees feel better. Walking more is making my knees sore.
The moral of the story?
Don’t have knees.
[halftime]
Coach: Okay men we’re literally losing at basketball to a dog… any ideas?
-I have one.
*pulls out vacuum with a jersey on*
I get Bi with a little help from my friends.