Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

If my memory gets any worse I’ll be able to plan my own surprise party

business 101 classes:
– touching base
– getting on the same page
– drilling down

business 201 classes:
– circling back
– leveraging
– running it up the flagpole

business 301 classes:
– using your rich dad’s connections

[first day as a ghost]
BOSS: ur job is to scare people
ME: ok
[later]
ME: *whispering to millennials* you’ll never pay off ur student loans

Is that Carl?
Oh hey Carl

I tend to trust people who reek of garlic.

Finally got the mustache thick enough where other mustache guys are giving me the mustache-comradery nod. Absolutely crushed it at Home Depot today. Neck sore from nodding.

This lady didn’t know how to use the gas pump, so I winked at her and whispered “nobody does” while pouring gas into my jacket pocket.

‘can you smell what the Lord is cookin?’

– Christian Rock

boss: have u finished that project
me: hey rome wasn’t built in a day
boss: it’s been a month
me: rome wasn’t built in a month
boss:
me: [googling “how long did it take to build rome”]

If you gave a million monkeys a million keyboards & let them bang away at the keys all day…then you’d have Twitter.

STUBBORN belly fat?

Is there any other type?

DARTH VADER: it’s so hard to date when you’re
STORMTROOPER: …an evil genocidal maniac?
DV: I was going to say a single dad. You’ve made it awkward now

You guys, I checked. Wolves can’t blow houses down, even if they are just made of straw and sticks. It’s all anti-wolf propaganda started by Big Pork

Today’s PSA:
No one can “get your goat” if you don’t let your goat get got.

-You’re welcome

Just realized I get most of my upper body strength from shredding cheese.

Catch feelings? I’d rather catch multiple bricks to the face. A house. Drop a house on me.

*kissing on small couch*
Her: We should have a threes-
Me: I’ll call Karen
Her: …three-seater. Karen?
Me: I believe Karen sells furniture

“The author clearly signals that this is a tale told by an unreliable narrator,” I explained, gesturing to the stack of forms.

The IRS agents were not amused.

Husband is leaning dangerously out of window whilst he cleans it. Only thing stopping me from shoving him out is that he cleans the windows

The U.S is #18 in mathematics worldwide. At least we’re in the top ten.

Hahaha this stupid baby on the bus thinks they can cry louder than me

I didn’t marry until my thirties because I wanted to sow some wild oats.

In hindsight, I wish I’d spent some of that time having sex with women instead.

[on a date with a houseplant]

Me: everything ok? you hardly touched your dinner.

Houseplant: Yes, I’m just eating light

Summer break is cool because I won’t be alone for the next 2000 hours of my life but at least I won’t have to pack anyone a lunch.

You can’t tell me what to do, you’re not a bowl of mashed potatoes.

#Caturday

Taco Bell doesn’t have a playground because kids that eat Taco Bell can’t climb, or run.

Silly me thought that doggy poop bags were designed to open

I took my cat to Build-A-Bear so he could see what’s going to happen to him if he pees on the carpet again.

I almost crashed into the semi in front of me while I was looking at a hot construction worker. That would’ve been an embarrassing obituary.