All these laws are really getting in the way of my driving.
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After watching the Thriller music video, my kids asked what Michael Jackson transforms into. I told them he becomes a werewolf & my 4yo said, “why is it called a werewolf when I saw it right there on the TV?”
Cop: *searching my car*
“WHERE IS IT?
I KNOW IT’S HERE!”Me: *trying to swallow a Nickelback cd*
“IT’S NOT MINE, I SWEAR!”
To be frank, I’ll need to commit an identity fraud.
Yelling, “get off my lawn!” at the landscapers just to confuse them.
11 showed me his bookmark which was an old photo of me and his dad and he said, “It’s a memory of before I was born when you and Father were happy together.”
Then he said he was tired of reading and asked if he could buy some game extras on Fortnite and holy crap he’s a genius.
I went into a store with my kid and came out with a different one by accident. This one is a keeper. He says he does brake work. Well see.
Remodel Shows: “Transform your fire escape into the perfect home office.”
Mom: “Do you want this?”
Me: “No.”
Mom: “Ok I’ll give it to your brother.”
Me: “No I want it.”
Mmmm. Shoeshi
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Spent the entire day trying to improve the phrase “if it ain’t broke, don’t fix it”.
Sometimes after a long hard day at work, it takes me 4 bars to get home
Trains delayed due to:
– Wrong kind of sun
– Ominous cloud
– Slightly damp leaf
– Chilly track
– Suspicious gravel
– Sarcastic swan
Manager: Your fired
Me: *You’re
Manager: How did you know I spelled it wrong if I spoke it out loud
Me: How did you know I corrected you
why isn’t he texting back
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🤣🤣💀
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Who knew 20yrs after Debate class I’d apply those skills to present arguments to 7yo on why pasta shapes don’t change the taste of pasta.
waitress: and for you?
me: egg
waitress: what does that mean sweetie, can you be more specific
me, carefully cupping my hands into a small oval shape: egg
Daddy, where do bananas come from?
Well son, when a manana and a womanana really love each other…
Me: hi
Person who just got back from Europe: It was life changing. thank you for asking
Like sure, yes. Encouraging independent play is good for a kid’s development but like…these people sound like they just want to leave their babies in the wilderness for the wolves to raise
[being beat down with health, family, work issues]
Me: I will remain positive at all times
[my bagel sandwich falls on the floor]
Me: I am going to fire God
“Doc, it’s embarrassing, but I don’t feel sexy.”
“Try wearing the wife’s panties.”
“Really?”
“Yeah, the red ones with the lace are nice”
business 101 classes:
– touching base
– getting on the same page
– drilling downbusiness 201 classes:
– circling back
– leveraging
– running it up the flagpolebusiness 301 classes:
– using your rich dad’s connections
“Kids are great when you need help around the house.”
– People who don’t have kids
TRUE STORY: My wife and I cleaned the house last weekend and found that we both have children from previous marriages.
My personal trainer and my marriage counselor have vastly differing opinions on how many “cheat days” I am allowed each month.
disguised vampire: i put my sweat and tears into this project
boss: what about blood
disguised vampire: huh?
boss: *narrowing eyes* you do have blood right
disguised vampire: haha vhat do u mean
How much is appropriate to tip the police officer who opens the squad car door for you?
Tip for great hair: Don’t wash it for 17 days. Finally shower. Wait for the compliments to roll in.
Touch it gently, put 2 fingers
inside, if it’s wide use 3
fingers,make sure it’s wet and
rub up and down. Yep that’s how
you wash a cup.