All these laws are really getting in the way of my driving.
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Geography FACT: The world’s second highest mountain is called Everer.
I just yelled at some kids to get off my lawn. They were my own kids, but they can find somewhere else to play like everybody else.
It’s not my job to police the internet, but I just saw someone post a recipe for cauliflower cookies and reported them for harmful content.
My mom gave the kids a 1,000 piece puzzle, so tonight, as a family, we will be putting together a list of nursing homes.
Him: Can I have a bite of your dessert?
Me: I think we should see other people.
Having kids is great because you get to ask fun questions like why is there a volleyball in the refrigerator?
friend: you watch anything good lately?
me: yeah a documentary about this serial killer that lured children into his house and killed them in elaborate ways
friend: who
me: William Wonka
I heard a photographer was killed in a freak accident when a large wheel of cheddar landed on her.
To be fair, the people who were being photographed did try to warn her.
HER: I like talking during sex, but I can’t stand it when you narrate the whole thing
ME: As she complains, I begin removing my pants slowly
Wish we had the power of at least one ‘do over’ in our lives. I used mine up in the 1st grade and winning at hopscotch wasn’t worth it.
*gives date flowers*
Here. I murdered these plants for you.
My dad told me a guy who claimed to be the drummer for steppenwolf stole his wallet in the Sacramento airport so I pulled up a picture and he was like “wow that’s the guy”
Husband: can I have a taste?
Me, mouth full of red velvet cake: it’s really spicy you won’t like it
working on a name for my new business
my buddy says I can’t call it “Guillotines For Billionaires” because it sounds like we’re trying to sell the guillotines to the billionaires, which we are not
Welcome to your forties, you’re now wondering why younger people are so dumb
deeply unfair of people to assume I have my life together just because I’m boring
Five Little Monkeys jumping on the bed
One fell off and bumped his head
Mama sipped wine and said, “told ya.”
You either have a full ketchup bottle in your refrigerator or an almost empty one, there’s no in between.
the buddha: *on twitter* how dreadful. the karmic damage from this will greatly prolong your suffering in the cycle of rebirth
me: a lot of people are saying that
Did a little self diagnosing over on Web MD and it turns out I’ve been dead since 2006
2 year old runs naked down the street.
“Awwwwwwwwwwwwww.”
I run naked down the street.
“AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!”
When you stub your toe but there are kids around.
Pumpkins are so versatile, they can be made into pies, lattes, carriages…
[cop who just pulled me over] i know you’re not really asleep
FFS. A bunch of ants are making brunch plans and doing yoga,because I spilled my Pumpkin Spice Latte,
I dated a 21 year old for 3 months before she looked up from her phone and realized I wasn’t Tobey Maguire
UPDATE: Twitter Reacts To The Scottish Independence Referendum #indyref #ScotlandDecides
Ever had a dream with someone in it who didn’t quite make sense? They were in your life, but not on a dream level? Like, I don’t know why I’m drowning in this car submerged in a lake, but I especially don’t know why I’m doing it with you, girl from my junior year sociology class.
I’m never sure what to do with my eyes when I’m at the dentist. Do I close them? Do I stare at his face? Do I look at the ceiling?