All these laws are really getting in the way of my driving.
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The 9-year-old in me thinks life is all about fun. But then I think, how long is it gonna take to digest this kid? I’m a huge python, btw.
[the first ever boomerang]
HIM: Get rid of it
ME [scared] I can’t
fellas who call it the walk of shame why are you admitting that it’s embarrassing to have sex with you
You want me to pay attention to the details? The thing the devil is in?
*after sex*
Me:
Person:
M:
P:
M:
P:
Me: “was it because-”
P: “YES it was because you said “oh lawd she comin” when you climaxed”
Sex so good the peeping Tom made sandwiches.
Those a-hole guys on “Teen Mom” don’t think being a dad is “cool.” Well check me out #Responsibility never looked so “swag! ” lol
If by ‘paleontologist’ you mean I can name all 5 shapes in the box of dinosaur chicken nuggets then, yes, I am a paleontologist.
My daughter has fallen in with the wrong crowd at school and likes country music now.
date: I’m sick of bad boys, I want something more
me: *puts Bad Boys 2 into the VCR* this is gunna blow your mind
Put a mirror on the ceiling.
She said.
It will be sexy.
She said.
Terrify yourself every morning.
I found out.
Sorry I yelled “pull” when you released doves at your wedding.
Golfer: *lining up his shot* what do you think?
Me (first day as a caddy): *reaching for a club* i think you should try your best
*Hanging upside down with my arms folded across my chest* You’d better put that toilet seat down when you’re done!
Welcome to your 40s: you’re not having a midlife crisis you’re just awake.
people think 👼 is the angel emoji but 🍪 is actually much closer to the biblical description
Corgis are great when you want a wolf that’s a loaf of bread.
Marriage has an interesting way of turning the word ‘whatever’ into a flamethrower.
My friend told me he weighs himself before and after going to the toilet to see how much his shit weighs and honestly that’s so much better than my method
Real life dad college courses
Garage law
Power nap philosophy
Nosy neighbor studies
Barbecue physics
Zipper theory of merging traffic
Thermostat dynamics
After several Steven Segal films in a row, you’d think bad guys would know to avoid rooms that contain both him & a PoolTable
[hardware store]
Me: Let me do the talking. This is man stuff
Wife: Fine
Clerk: Can I help you?
Me: I need a whacker thingy to hit nails
I finally figured out the moral of Beauty and the Beast: Sure,Gaston had good looks. But the Beast had shitloads of money.Good choice, Belle
There are 7 members of Maroon 5 and now I can’t trust anything anymore
me: good night darling. I’m so happy to be able to fall asleep next to you
my gf: *already rotating like a kebab to ensure maximum duvet theft*
*Cocks Gun* ” Any last requests?”
“Yes, do not shoot me with that gun.”
“Oh you!! Ya got me go ahead get outta here”!
An alternate Batman origin story where Bruce’s parents are slowly pushed off a ledge by Catwoman.
Seals are just dog mermaids.
I feel it
Why’s it always “nyc smells like pee” and never “my pee smells like the greatest city in the world”