All these laws are really getting in the way of my driving.
You Might Also Like
Whenever I read that a suspect is cooperating with investigators I picture them being helpful in the interrogation room. Tidying up. Providing light conversation.
I once accidentally joined a cult because I zoned out mid-conversation and just kept saying “yeah, of course” every few minutes.
The Purge but instead of all crime being legal all cheese related products are free
ANT: hey did you find any food to bring back to the queen?
SUPER FAT ANT: the who?
I’m not afraid to go to prison I really need a vacation
Guy walking in on me in the bathroom
Me: Excuse me. I’m on the phone.
I didn’t want to grow up; I just wanted to be able to reach for the cookies.
So it turns out ghosting doesn’t work on credit card companies.
[titanic, 1912]
Captain: what kind of lettuce do u want on your sandwich
First mate: ICEBERG
Captain: lol no need to shout, Dave
I recently purchased some really good kitchen knives so now I have to stock up on bandaids because I clearly don’t know how to use really good kitchen knives.
When I worked at a bookstore, I learned that when an author like Dean Koontz signs his books, their resale value goes up.
I also learned that when an author like Stephen King signs Dean Koontz’s books, the price goes even higher and that Dean Koontz is not amused by this.
ouch
You can tell you’re dealing with a professional by the way they carry on an entire conversation without ever taking the cigarette out of their mouth.
I didn’t get a dog for the love and companionship, I got a dog so I would have an excuse to walk around my neighborhood in my pajamas between the hours of 4 am and 7 am
I’m never hungrier than when someone says they’re paying
philosophy professor: you must question everything
[later]
me: *grabs lamp and shakes it* what have you been doing all day, you piece of shit
If I’m napping in my car, don’t wake me up
unless I’m driving
Date: so what’s your love language?
Me: English. I wouldn’t say I love it but I knows it
defendant: *into mic* um can I say something?
defense attorney: NO!
judge: NO!
ghost of dead lawyer: NO!
random stranger: NO!
defendant’s family in courtroom: NO!
prosecutor: YES!!
Interviewer: Are you good at staying calm in stressful situations?
Me: I’m not good at staying calm in relaxing situations.
[after meditating]: I’m still angry, but in a calmer way
My husband has entered the “fun socks” years.
$19.99 because $20 is an outrageous amount of money!
No LinkedIn, I am not “open to work,” I am required to work
I’ve made a lot of bad decisions in my life but I never ate candy corn on purpose.
[harry potter at work]
Colleague: when you were in school you killed a giant snake thing, right?
Harry: a basilisk, yes
Colleague: can’t even edit a google doc though, yikes *sips coffee*
The designer of the expanding universe, deviser of quantum theory and relativity – he’s really interested in who you sleep with. Sinner.
thug: do you have a gram
drug dealer: yeah
grandma: [ripping off thug mask] then why don’t you ever visit
Why is it like a quirky thing that Biden likes ice cream. Call me when he starts eating a bowl of whole peppercorns