Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

If u wanna be happy the rest of ur life
Never make a prairie falcon ur wife
They need a moderate altitude
To catch burrowing owls for food

Good news, my mom’s friend’s sister’s cousin’s cat doesn’t have ringworm

waiter: say when

dracula: ven

other waiter: haha say it again

Grant me the serenity to supernaturally change the things I cannot accept.

I often wonder who Pete is…

and why we do things for his sake…

Me: So, what did you bring home from preschool today?!?

3yo: *sneezes*

I bet ducks would love bananas if they knew about bananas.

Flex on houseplants by drinking water whenever you want

[first date]

Date: how much do you drink a week?

Me: Haha, I don’t even answer that at my check up.

Date: right.. Let’s do shots.

Me: i love shots.

Date, pulling off glasses to reveal my Doctor: gotcha

Startup idea: a gym named Resolution that runs for the 1st month of the year, collects subscription fee, then converts to a bar named Regret

My daughter wrote a story at school about a sad cat that drinks cocktails so I should probably call her teacher

It’s beginning to cost a lot like Christmas

I have precisely ZERO idea what people are doing when they inspect inside their egg boxes at the supermarket. But for 20 odd years I’ve dutifully opened the box, nodded appreciatively, and then put my eggs in the trolley without the faintest idea what the hell I’m doing or why.

wife: you need to do more around the house

me: can you change the subject please?

wife: yes, this house needs more work done by you

Bury me in a werewolf costume so when I come back as a zombie people will be like “lol what”

Hey boy, are you a software update because not now

My friends wife threatened to leave him over his Star Wars collectibles and I was like divorce is strong in this one.

Up until five minutes ago I thought Coachella was a Disney Princess who made expensive handbags.

Hulk Hogan tries to quietly rip his shirt off during a funeral.

Well, that didn’t work.

Did you know that by today’s standards Marilyn Monroe would be considered dead?

I have a new alter ego named Princess of Optimism. You may call me Poo.

i will not order eggs in a restaurant unless the chef personally lays them

[leaving a party]
HOST (holding 2 identical coats): which is urs
ME: does 1 have a corn dog in its pocket
H: ya
M (suspiciously): mine had 2

@isabelzawtun I work at a pet supply store. One time a customer called to set up a delivery. He wanted a dog toy in his order but didn’t know which one. I had to pick out toys and squeak them into the phone for him until he heard the “right one.”

I don’t want to make anyone jealous right now, but I’m sitting in a restaurant in Universal Studios while 2 of my kids cry and refuse to eat their food.

If there’s anything Urban Dictionary has taught me it’s that I shouldn’t be so curious at times.

My 4yo: Let’s play a game!

Me: Is it you throw toys around the house and I pick them up?

4: No. Yes.

I like soap operas because you never have to wonder who the villain is, they are the one wearing an eye patch. No gentlemen pirates on a soap opera

What idiot called it an engagement ring instead of a Kneel Diamond?