All these “make better choices” make me wonder if my parents are now running twitter
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Useful cooking directions would read: remove package from garbage, read instructions, repeat
[drive thru]
GUY ON INTERCOM: can I help you
ME: yeah are you guys open
Her (seductively): Anything special you want tonight for your birthday?
Me: You know what I like in bed, baby.
Her:
Me: *winks*
Her: *leaves the ceiling fan on*
Angel: Awww babies are so cute!
God: Make them scream
Angel: W-why?
God: DO I TELL YOU HOW TO DO YOUR JOB CARL?
I can tell these edibles have finally kicked in by the way I’m caressing my burrito and whispering “Ay Papi” Into what I’m pretty sure is its ear.
Eating chips and watching TV annoys me because of the loud crunching noise. Then I realize I’m eating chips and watching TV and I’m not annoyed anymore.
In Bakersfield, California, it is illegal to have sex with Satan without a condom.
My only real argument for having multiple children is that the older one will eventually be able to help the younger one with Common Core math.
I’m not getting married till Pizza Hut allows gift registry.
I’ve stepped on a Lego before so I’m calling bullshit on Godzilla and King Kong being that difficult to take down
Mom: Some scary old lady keeps FaceTiming me.
Me: Mom, turn your camera around and she’ll go away.
*1st date*
[be cool, just dont let her know youre a 1st generation PS3]
so where do y-
*internal cooling fan drowns out entire conversation*
Them: ugh could you be more annoying
Me: oh my yes
Hey so remember when Malfoy was a jerk in year 1 and Harry got snarky right back and they became Instant Enemies? Well what if Harry had just been like “come on, man, let’s all be friends” and all the Houses were united and super chill
My neighbors still have their Christmas wreath on the door. I was gonna knock to complain, but I don’t like confrontation so I just stole it.
Manager: just got a quick little job for you
Translation: I’ve got a humongous shitty task for you that will make you want to quit your job
walked in on my grandma petting my dogs head whispering “you’re so lucky to be illiterate”
How To Ride An Escalator:
-Step 1
-Now Just Chill for a Bit
*pronounces ‘comb’ like ‘bomb’ eighteen times during interview at Great Clips.
A warlock cursed me to forever be standing in line behind people trying to remember the name of a movie, and I know exactly what movie it is
it really cannot be overstated how important it is to be thirty years younger than the guy you’re fighting
Life’s most terrifying 10 seconds: Being held hostage in the corner of the shower by cold water.
I will never own a smart watch. I have enough things telling me what to do.
T-Rex, watching the comet about to crash into the earth: I hope I’m remembered for my colorful and beautiful feathers.
An adult trying to be mean has never hurt my feelings as much as a child just asking questions.
Yesterday a 5-year-old saw me without my glasses and, horrified, said “is that what you look like in real life??”
8yr old: I’m teaching myself sign language and I’m so upset! Why would they do this?!?
Me: Do what?
8: Do you know what the sign for cactus is?
Me: I do not.
8: It’s the middle finger! I can’t use the middle finger!
Me: Well, I mean, how often do you say cactus?
8: That’s fair.