Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

5 second rule? I’ll take a pill that’s been under the fridge since last March

30s: Oh look, a dance floor!
50s: Oh look, a couch!

Arrogant Co-Worker: Do you have any idea how many years of education I have?
Me: Don’t feel bad, I got held back a couple of times myself.

I take it personally when I let a car cut in front of me and then they immediately get into another lane. Come back you are with me now.

A San Francisco man is running seven marathons in seven days on seven continents; he’s expected to be seven times as annoying about it.

I want cake, to get cake I must get dressed, to get dressed I have to get out of bed, to get out of bed I need cake.

Guess what? My husband doesn’t let me cook because I burn everything. Did I sneak behind his back and make fried chicken today? Yes. Because sometimes you have to prove yourself. Did I catch the kitchen on fire? Also yes

[wife leaving for the weekend]
“Baby formula is in the cupbo–”
“I think I know how to make a baby. Now go & enjoy your dad’s funeral.”

Me: I really like her. What should I do?

Friend: Give her the time of day.

[Later]

Her: Hey.

Me: It’s 2 PM.

Just when I’ve finally gotten everything cleaned and put in the dishwasher, my kid comes marching in with her museum collection of dishes and cups

I got a shopping cart today with 4 working wheels, it was full of lingerie models and self confidence and I was dreaming

Nutritionist: Do you eat salad?

Me: Yes, I love potato salad.

Nutritionist: no

“DIDN’T THE KIDS JUST HAVE A DAY OFF SCHOOL LAST MONTH!?!”

~A parent’s memoir.

My friend got a peloton. Now she’s posting with words I don’t understand and people are responding with similar words and it’s like when everybody watched game of thrones and I didn’t.

my dad would read teen books as they were becoming popular so if we asked to read them he knew if they were appropriate, which means that he read the entire twilight saga before i did and was like, “i mean you can read it if you want but it’s really weird.”

me: siri, clear my evening appointments, i’ve got a date tonight.
siri: “lol yeah ok. beep boop beep. gotcha.”

Her: Wow… You really cleaned up the place
A cockroach with a little bow-tie waddles by
Me: Anything for you baby girl

[Infomercial]
HOST: Wanna learn how to lose up to 15 pounds with one simple trick?!?
AUDIENCE: Yes!
HOST: Here’s how! *rips off his own arm*

Don’t be silly! A kid’s name doesn’t affect the type of person they become. Now come and hold my sweet baby Lucifer Charles Manson Hitler.

I lost my job today
“What? How?”
I just wasn’t a good housekeeper
“BUT YOU’RE A BEEKEEPER”
Well that explains all the screaming

What kind of vegetable does an Elephant eat?
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Squash

Moaning faced neighbour has moved so we’ve finally got the balls back she refused to send back. Just the TWENTY THREE of them!!!

My wife asked me to toast some bread for her. So, I raised my beer and said, “Here’s to bread.”

I might be drinking too much…

Since wine is made from grapes its technically accurate to say I did a fruit juice cleanse for New Years Eve.

A public stoning, but it’s just a group of people throwing donut holes at me

Paramedic: *frantically beating his fist on my chest*

2nd paramedic: Tom…TOM…*grabs him* you can stop, he’s dead

Paramedic: I know, I just *exhales* hated him

Only rings I’m interested in are made from onions.

WHO KEEPS BUILDING WEBSITES FOR RESTAURANTS THAT HAVE EVERYTHING BUT THE HOURS AND MENU ???!!!!??? I DON’T CARE THE CHEF ANDY USES MIDWESTERN FLARE

I just saw my dad screenshot all by himself,they grow up so fast

DATE: So tell me about yourself
ME: My brain sturdy like large oak table
DATE: Ok