Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Kinda rude TikTok has “hiding your double chin hacks” in my algorithm.

“Why would you want to live in the Matrix instead the richness of reality, doesn’t make any sense,” I mutter as I reach for my phone immediately after waking up.

Got the hotel caretaker job! Can finally get cracking on my novel.

The angel on my shoulder says I should be doing more with my life.

Wait, no, that’s just my mom talking. I forgot I left my phone there.

I see your baker’s dozen and raise you a mom’s dozen (11 because you ate one when the kids weren’t looking)

I saw a billboard that said, “Be her Romeo” and featured a pic of a diamond ring. Apparently they have not read Shakespeare.

Does anybody know how many toddlers you have to bring to ‘Toys For Tots’ before you’re eligible for an Xbox?

I wonder if my heating pad thinks I’m cheating on it when I sleep with my electric blanket.

When I die I want to come back as a ghost to haunt my adult children’s houses, just passive-aggressively turning off lights they’ve left on and pointedly moving their shoes to the shoe cabinet, just heavily sighing the whole time

[safely surrounded by a thousand miles of land]
Me: (whispering) more like shark weak

£900 pound for an iPhone 6?

Airplane mode better take me on holiday

My toddler stole bacon off my plate.

We all had a good laugh.

Then I made her move out.

Doctor’s office: “Can you fax us your information?”

Me: “Let me get a rock and chisel to write down your fax number.”

Me: Hey, remember that actor from the 90s? It’s been forever since I’ve seen them in a movie. I bet they’re super old now.

Google: This actor is three years younger than you.

Me: …Oh. 💀

Shark Week is just another made up holiday to sell more sharks

Library of Alexandria discourse is starting up again and I can’t believe how many people are misinformed on this. So, once again:
Libraries have no natural predators. Burning them down is literally the only way to keep the population under control.

I just want to apologize to all the guys I dated BEFORE I started using Prozac.

And to their wives. And their local fire departments.

I’ll always be here for you, unless we run out of beer over here and someone has some over there, then I’ll be over there for you.

I’ve never been on a diet but one time I had to wait until my wife left the kitchen so I could sneak some more cookies before dinner.

If my calculator had a history, it would be more embarrassing than my browser history

Man “addicted to brake fluid” claims he can stop any time he wants.

We caught and released a snake so it can scare the crap out of us in the basement on a different day

i can’t stop writing holiday rom com synopses so i guess i’ll just continue doing it until my hands fall off

Me watching my husband quietly close the dishwasher after taking just one clean dish out

Mayor of a small town is such a wild job. It’s like being the president of a country where you went to high school with the whole population.

No amount of college can prepare you for how angry you’ll get at the way people park in the real word.

My kids persuaded me to buy Peppa Pig pasta shapes, and tonight I’ll be testing their understanding of irony by making them bacon pasta for dinner.

I once told a guy that I knew he liked me when he went out of his way to help me move and he replied, “oh, no, I just helped you coz I’m a good friend.”

Sandra the orangutang started washing her hands because she saw all the zookeepers doing it repeatedly during the COVID-19 crisis.

Wash your hands.
Be more like Sandra.🌎❤️🧼🌎

[kitchen]
“Please pass the bee-nut butte-”
*wife glares*
“-the honey”