All these people casually jogging down the street, and then me, looking like I’m trying to pull an invisible dog sled.
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my dodgeball record is now up to 65-0 against my 5 and 6 year old.
I just cleaned out my purse. So, I’ll be having a garage sale later this afternoon.
“I got you this for Valentine’s Day.”
[she opens the box and reveals several People magazines inside]
“I think we should see other people.”
Sick of dudes not calling you after sex? Do it with me. I’ll call you thirty times a day. Even if you change your number, I will find you.
Fact of the Day: Lyrics can be used in a court of law as evidence.
That’s how Billy Joel was acquitted of arson charges.
kid: I feel funny, mom
mom: that’s why we’re sending you to clown school
Things that made my toddler cry this week:
– he couldn’t wear waffles to daycare
– I beat him in a race
– he beat me in a race
– pancakes had uneven distribution of chocolate chips
– he wanted his boogers backHow about your kid?
Him: How does my football throw look to you?
Me: Like you’re good at science…
Happy 3 year anniversary to working in a coffee shop at 6AM and my first customer was this lady in a fox costume on her way to surprise chase her daughter, who was afraid of mascots, down the street in Chicago
God: “Adam looks kind of lonely down there. What should I do?”
Frog: “ribbit”
God: “haha, alright man”
[cooking class]
chef: now you just introduce them to the pan
me: ok … um, this is john scallop
Has anyone tried cutting the pandemic with a knife to make sure it isn’t actually an illusion cake?
For my morning walk, I’m not blasting music into my brain. You are not going to hear anything more lovely them the way the birds sound today and also I can’t get my earbuds to work.
6: What’s a hangover?
Me: The interest repayment on fun.
If my cat keeps packing on the pounds, I’m going to rent him out as a weighted blanket.
What rhymes with “hug me”?
Chutney.
I cried at a wedding once. The reception was a cash bar.
Just wrote “58008” on my calculator app and when I turned it upside-down, it auto-orientated back to the right way up.
I hate the future.
Humans use the term “invasive species” like somebody invited them to all 7 continents.
Me, to the fellas: Load up. We getting magical tonight.
No one judges you harder than a dental receptionist when you don’t know if you’ll be free at 2pm on a random Tuesday, in six months time.
When my husband annoys me I like to say, “The doctor said I need to lose 10 pounds. What do you think?”
Parenting is much harder nowadays. For example, you have to be able to push a kid on a swing and tweet at the same time.
At this point making life choices involves liquor and a dart board.
Me: *giving myself a little pep-talk to remind myself I’m doing my best*
Everyone Behind Me on the Fire Escape: *not really super supportive*
They should fill the airbags with confetti to make car accidents more fun.
*crashes vehicle*
“OMG, my legs! Hey, a party!”
*dies smiling*
sex work? uh yeah, I sure hope it does
Me: *hyperventilating* 911? BEES! … EVERYWHERE! … SEND…HELP!
“Sir we don’t …”
Me: OMG! DON’T YOU HAVE A SWAT TEAM FOR THIS?
Pete Davidson would have stole Helen Of Troy from both those mfs.