All these people dying on vacation kinda makes me feel better about being poor.
You Might Also Like
angel: “greetings. do not be afraid. you will conceive and bring forth a son”
me: “thank you so much for reaching out! is this a paid opportunity?”
your Covid tweet is so 3 variants ago 🙄
Some people are so fake there lock screens don’t recognise them
Me: Hello darkness, my old friend
Darkness: *rolls eyes*
BUZZ ALDRIN: I spy, with my little eye, something beginning with E.
NEIL ARMSTRONG: Earth?
BUZZ: Nope
*5 minutes silence*
BUZZ: OK, yep.
Gemini: Please stop touching the Amulet of Unceasing Regret. It’s not a toy.
My kids say I need to stop trying to embarrass them but joke’s on them because I’m not even trying.
I just said “bye – bye” when I ended a phone call, and now I’m debating on if I should have my milk & cookies before or after recess.
When Leo said, “To all my friends, you know who you are” he was talking about the bear
me: are you ready for halloween?
friend: yes!
me: omg your haunted ghost monkey is so realistic
friend: that’s my newborn baby *bursts into tears*
(God Creating Vegetables)
GOD: What if we made fruit gross?
You know before I had kids I was only vaguely aware that Saturday had a 7am.
Wife to our oldest daughter: “Go brush your teeth with your sister.”
Me to our oldest daughter: “Sweetie, don’t listen to your mother. Use a toothbrush.”
I don’t use chocolate chip cookies to solve my problems, only treat the symptoms.
I’ve been married for about 45 lbs.
My wife would bring a hoodie to the Sun “just in case.”
[Me as a gynecologist]
*Knocking on the exam room door*
WOMB SERVICE
[job interview]
“You wrote here your biggest weakness is not knowing what irony means.”
“Ironic isn’t it? Is it? I don’t know.”
TV lead me to believe grave digging would be a lot easier
Me: My first wife loved this movie.
Wife: I AM your first wife!
Me: And you love this movie, DON’T YOU?!?
Someone on TikTok asked if people with office jobs just sit at our computers all day and answer emails
Obviously that’s not true
We also have meetings about the emails and then write emails about the meetings
Kids these days, I tell ya
13 years ago I ordered an m&m blizzard at Dairy Queen and the lady who took my order screamed “ONE SMALL M&M BLIZZARD!!!” at the top of her lungs then immediately turned around and started making it herself and it’s still the funniest thing that has ever happened to me
i love playing rock paper scissors they never expect me to pull a glock out of my pocket
Funny cuz it’s true! #WritingCommunity #Reading
I am your dream girl if your dream girl suddenly dissapears into plumes of feathers and occasionally seeks vengeance against a betraying human by turning them into an oak tree. Also may or may not steal entire baguettes off window sills.
Her: I swear this car is jinxed. Every time I drive more than 10 miles something goes wrong
Car sputters as it runs out of gas
Looking at my incredulous face: See what I mean?
My wife and did it twice yesterday and we didn’t use any protection… I’m worried we might have twins.
How long do you have to work at KFC before they make you a colonel?
*jingles half the way*