All these people dying on vacation kinda makes me feel better about being poor.
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Direct deposit: +1400
Me at Cheesecake Factory: yeah I’ll take one of each slice
me: so you want to give me a bunch of shit in exchange for my soul?
satan: yup
me: even though it’s lookin like i’m gonna be down there when i die anyway
satan: you got it
me: …are you just like bored or something? what is this?
There’s nothing like sitting by an open fire..watching the evidence burn.
Hey Billy Joel it’s called a pianist.
Hold on, you guys. Turns out the person with bad opinions is extremely attractive. I’m on their side now.
{speed dating}
Me: What handbags can you afford?
I didn’t sign up for the 401k at work, because there’s no way I can run that far.
*God provides manna from heaven*
“Is there gluten in this?”
Your secret is safeish with me
I think abs are for guys that don’t have the confidence to wear a nice T-shirt to the pool.
Lady in the park:
Your baby is dressed beautifully what’s the occasion
Me: she’s about to go into the next size so I’m making t sure she’s worn things at least once 😂
My husband washed the dog with my expensive shampoo again. I sure hope that crate is big enough for both of them to sleep in tonight.
Remember kids, those light up sneakers won’t seem so cool when wolves are chasing you through the woods at night.
People who say ‘have a nice day’, like I planned this shit show
Guys.You can’t make everyone happy, so just concentrate on me
Me: Where the hell are you going with those balloons?
4yr: I need to wee!
Me: With balloons?!
4yr: Its so much fun to wee with balloons
If possums have taught me anything, it’s how to dramatically play dead when anyone comes over unannounced.
I tried to kill a bug with febreeze but it didn’t work and now the room smells like lilac and fear.
We’re all 60% water, so get off your high horse “aqua” man
Not to brag but I can trip over things that aren’t even there!
Corn mazes should just be called maizes from now on
Me- “Sorry I can’t”
Friend- “Why not?”
M- “Working on my book”
F- “Neato! What about?”
M- “It’s a collection of ways to escape obligations”
Pardon me while I slip into something a little more… unconscious.
Judge: For the crimes you have committed you will go to prison for 10 years
Me: That’s a long sentence!
Judge: Ok – “you get 10 years”
*plays sleep meditation with affirmations for abundance as I drift off to sleep*
*wakes up and checks bank account*
Me: Well that didn’t work.
The hoodie & shorts combo outfit, because you almost understand how body heat works.
James Blunt: you’re beautiful
James Blunter: I’ve seen better
All I’m saying is that there is enough time left of 2020 for some guy to open up a theme park with real dinosaurs that will eventually break free and eat us all.
🎵 These cheese curds are beyond compare
I can watch the hockey there
I wear my toque and back bacon is keen
Eat Tim Horton’s with no cares
Share my french fries with some bears
But I cannot compete with you
Poutine
[at funeral]
“my phone is vibrating”
want me to create a distraction so you can answer it?
“no, are you craz-
*points at casket* HE BLINKED