All these people dying on vacation kinda makes me feel better about being poor.
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I will (and I can’t stress this enough) touch whatever you tell me not to touch.
When I first went on the pill, I put on a bit of weight. Which proved to be a very effective contraceptive.
8: “You know how Makayla and Abby are our cousins?”
Me: “Yeah”
8: “Did you know that WE’RE also THEIR cousins?!”
I’m not dramatic but my money has to be facing all the same way and right side up, otherwise the world will explode.
MURDER HORNET: 2020 is my year
BRAIN-EATING AMOEBA: hold my contaminated tap water
Watch what you do in front of people. You never know when there might be a documentary being filmed about you and someone says, “He was dipping pieces of rotisserie chicken in tartar sauce and it made my skin crawl.”
After a heated discussion with Marie Kondo i’ve decided to throw myself in the trash.
Every time my husband wakes me up to tell me I’m snoring we end up having sex. I’m beginning to question whether or not I snore.
“Nice” – first kangaroo to realise it had a pocket
4-year-old: Why do robbers steal money?
Me: So they can buy stuff.
4: Why don’t they just steal the stuff?
She’s a criminal mastermind.
Did you know stuffing your bra with toilet paper works pretty well…
except when it rains.
I hate it when I wear my favourite red cape and don’t get eaten by a wolf.
It’s not a real relationship if it only exists when it’s convenient for you. I deserve better.
Cat: *knocks my drink off table*
This bar smells like my childhood.
If you don’t like the way I drive then get off the hood of my car.
I don’t really like the paper towel holder setup here.
Time for a new house.
Come on Canada, first Celine, then Nickelback, NOW Bieber!? Are you TRYING to provoke a war?
May you never be as bored as whoever figured out that holding a seashell to your ear sounds like the ocean
Any wife can be a trophy wife if you bring her to a Taxidermist.
The pandemic has made it nearly impossible for me to get piggyback rides from strangers, so I’m really over it.
The thin membrane under the shell of a boiled egg is what’s left of the rooster’s broken condom, and that was my Dad’s sex talk. I’ll always remember that Easter.
*answers a bagel like a phone*
i’m just in a meeting right now i’ll call you back
Truthfully officer, I wouldn’t have pulled over, if I known all you were gonna do is complain about my driving..
I waved to a man because I thought he waved at me.
Apparently he waved to an other woman. So to get out of the awkward situation I kept my hand up and a taxi pulled over and drove me to the airport. I am now in Poland starting a new life.
Save a reindeer.
Ride a Canadian.
[An alternate reality where Smurfs live among us and I see Smurfette at the bar and she’s looking real good]
Me: Hey I think you’re really bluetiful
Gf: What’s the dog eating?
Me: Piece of hotdog.
Dog: [chewing slows] WHAT.
[being haunted by the spirit of the man who invented the gif]
*extremely spooky voice* oooo I’m a jhost! Yes, it’s pronounced “jhost”
My one-year-old niece has started saying “bye-bye” when she wants people to leave. Honestly, I’ve never been so influenced by a toddler before
Once again not all heroes wear capes
