Obama: The Galaxy Note 7 wasn’t recalled because it was too secure.
Biden: Just let him enjoy my gift, Barack.
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[ikea date]
him: let’s go check out the beds 😉
me: *mouthful of meatballs* they sell furniture here?
me: waiter, my soup is cold
waiter: it’s gazpacho, sir
me: okay. gazpacho, my soup is cold
Captain America is fighting with the Red Skull on Twitter right now. This is too real.
Me: *explains idea*
Boss: That’s the dumbest idea ever
Me:*clears throat*
*repeats exact same idea in a British accent*
Boss: Brilliant!
Me: Please bring me a screwdriver.
Him: Flat head, Phillips, or Vodka?
And that was when I knew he was the one.
I stopped carrying my phone in my shirt pocket, because every time it vibrated my first thought was: Heart attack!
Watching movies with kids:
If he/she hasn’t seen it, eons and billions of questions.
If he/she has seen it, eons and billions of spoilers.
[parent/teacher conference]
Teacher: Your son is reading four levels above his classmates.
Me: [peeling Elmer’s Glue off my palm] What?
The look of utter betrayal on my son’s face when he gets up past his bedtime & sees me eating cereal & watching cartoons is priceless.
My boyfriend woke up this morning with a huge smile on his face. I love sharpies
Her: Are you getting off early today?
Me: THAT HAPPENED ONE TIME!
Toddler: *5 minutes of incoherent babbling*
Me: Oh yeah?
WHAT DO WE WANT?!
Follow-up questions!WHEN DO WE WANT IT?
OH HELL YEAH THAT’S THE STUFF
Ok, but if Kit Kats are filled with other broken Kit Kats, how did they make the first Kit kat ever?
Pixar has made me feel affection towards rats, bugs, fish, robots, monsters and even cars. The real test would be a movie about coworkers.
Requiring everyone’s clocks to be the same is communism. Let the free market decide what time it is
me: what’s a 3-letter word for compete
dracula: vie
me: for a crossword puzzle
I’ve been walking around with a fish-eating grin ever since I got an emotional support piranha.
Been thinking about getting dressed since I got out of the shower 3 hours ago. It’s quite obviously not going to happen but like everyone always says, it’s the thought that counts…
Dating – Do you want to share my cheesecake?
Married- Touch my cheesecake and I’ll end you.
I just called one ex a calculator and another a potential murder victim so if you’re looking for metaphors, I’m probably the grapefruit.
LMAO
My wife yelled from upstairs and asked, “Do you ever get a shooting pain across your body, like someone’s got a voodoo doll of you and they’re stabbing it?”
I replied “No…”
She responded: “How about now?”
5: Is it okay if I don’t eat all my ice cream?
Me *already happily eating it*: As long as you ate what you want it’s okay, except that now poor mommy has to finish it
5: Will you be okay, poor mommy?
Me *scraping the bottom*: In time I will probably recover
Thank you for ordering this $2 necklace from Etsy. With shipping your total comes to $758,937. Item will arrive from Uzbekistan in 3 years
I think the most fucked up thing about the Catholic Church is that they force Bishops to only move in diagonals
Me: Dyin’ hard or hardly dyin’?
Bruce Willis: How do you keep getting into my house?
Whenever I work out, I wear a push-up bra so I can do more push-ups. If I didn’t, it’d be so embarrassing and people would laugh at me.
Priest Client: “So, how is my floor mural coming along?”
Michelangelo: [slowly turning the blueprint in his hands 180 degrees] “Shiiiiiit.”