All these poor newlyweds in quarantine just aging their marriages in dog years.
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Olympic athlete: *does something unbelievable*
Announcer: That’s incredible! It’s too bad her father fell down a well 15 years ago
look, men and women are BIOLOGICALLY different. ever since the cave man times boys have loved cars and girls have loved toy ovens
[restaurant]
Me: waiter, what kind of choy is this
Waiter (who is a chicken): bok
Arrest that man!
A client just told me I reminded them of their grandmother.
Welcome to 45. The world is my oyster.
[throwes some foam packing peanuts into a pond]
“HEY! NO LITERING–”
shh wait
[a flock of rubber duckies float over squeaking excitedley]
*Runs across campus to get to class on time*
Whew! I made it!
*Sits in the back and browses Twitter for an hour and a half*
Therapist: Okay, let’s go over this one more time
Me: This really isn’t helping with my fear of bridges
No Teflon coated pan has ever been a match for my husband and his love of stirring with sharp utensils.
No baby, I’m not dumping you. I’m just rebranding myself as your ex.
The husband has a man cold so I asked if he wanted me to plant a memory garden.
Weaknesses.
Secret Panel HERE 💥
*popular kid is struggling in class
*gets a tutor to help
*Kool-Aid
I’m getting really irritated. This is the tenth ATM I’ve been to in the last week that’s had “insufficient funds”.
I think I could be a pretty good boxer as long as the other guy isn’t allowed to hit me.
The closest I’ve come to mastering a martial art is figuring out how to wash my feet in the shower
“Be a deer, would ya” she says, mounting your head on the wall.
Not allowed to stay up past 10:30 or I start Googling things like “how to start donkey sanctuary”
Omg, you guys, the Jehovah’s Witnesses just showed up at my door, and I guess I’ve been living alone for too long because I talked so much they finally had to excuse themselves.
You call that an apology? I’ll show you an apology!
Canadian Oneupmanship
Forgot to mute myself on a Zoom call while my kids were home and my boss gave me three extra weeks of vacation.
this morning a coworker told me “why don’t u make like a tree & leaf” & all I could think of as a comeback was “yeah, well why don’t u make like a coffee & fridge” (we were in the break room), so do I just quit now or what
Half my family is Catholic, the other half Jewish, so when the tweet contest theme is “guilt” I pretty much have it in the bag.
Boss: you’re fired
Me: *slams fist on couch* you woke me up for this?
That’s a nice piñata you have there… it would be a real shame if something weren’t to happen to it.
If you want to know how I rate in our household, my wife has one term of endearment for me and 74 for our dog.
Kids going as Batman for Halloween should not be accompanied by parents unless those parents are dressed as ghosts
Toddler: *crying* where are my cheese pants!?
Me: your what?
Toddler: MY CHEESE PANTS
Me: I’m confused
Toddler: I NEED MY CHEESE PANTS
Me: *crying* someone help me
When I was a kid my mom didn’t really stop me for doing dangerous things she would just repeat over and over “if you’re going to be dumb, you have to be tough.” I think about this as an old man often while doing dumb things
Find someone who looks at you,
I think that’s a pretty good start.