All these poor newlyweds in quarantine just aging their marriages in dog years.
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smoke alarm broke, so i decided to tape a bag of microwave popcorn to the ceiling. if it starts popping, i will know it is too hot in there.
Why throw it in the hamper when I can throw it on a chair that’s 2 feet away from the hamper.
– My husband
I vacuumed up a huge spiderweb & then heard a thump in the workout room.
The spiders are lifting weights before they attack me aren’t they?
“Yes Wiccan!” -inspirational witches
An interrogator that just goes into the room and loudly eats a peach until the suspect confesses to everything.
Receptionist: The doctor will see you now
Me *shuffles further behind cabinet* better?
Receptionist: Yes but shh he’s coming
Days without shaking my head disapprovingly at myself: 0
My wife: I know it’s cold but I want to go for a walk
Me: *takes wife’s hand in mine* Be safe out there…I’ll watch the kids
IAN: Just how do fleas jump so high?
ME: Your guess is as good as mine
I: I reckon they wear tiny tiny Air Jordans
M: Ok I take that back
Got in a relationship 15 hours ago and right on schedule, 3 men from my past have hit me up
The words, “Relax mom, it’s only glitter” is the biggest contradiction a mom can hear.
Me: for my first wish I want 20 dollars
Genie: done. and your second?
Me: infinite money
Genie: no can do
Me: *slips him my first wish* how about now
Careful, friends. [bends down and examines a handprint in the sidewalk] There is a very powerful child nearby.
“Oh wow, I don’t even recognize myself!”
-Lois Lane getting fitted for glasses
Oh, when sharks grow an extra set of teeth it’s “cool” and “neat but when I do it it’s “what’s happening to that man’s face mommy?” and “why is he slinking back into the sewer mommy?”
Kid: Trick or treat?
Me: How old are you?
Kid:
His dad: 4 years old
Me *goes back inside to talk to wife in scared tone* there’s a 4 year old out there who’s 6 feet tall
All 3 accessible parking places in the school parking lot were taken by parents without accessible placards. So I parked sideways behind them and blocked all three in with my placard displayed. 😘
This could’ve been an email.
My bank, who passed all 14 interest rate rises onto my home loan account, but only half of them onto my savings account, just sent me some tips on how to identify financial scammers
Too bad we can’t get paid for our funny tweets. I could probably make about $10.
Toxic snake
This line from Airplane.
Doughnuts alone won’t fill the emptiness in your soul…you’ll also need chocolate milk.
Just saw a guy wearing “Eclipse 2024 Volunteer” t shirt. Holy shit dude. That was you up there ?
My 8 year old daughter hasn’t stopped talking in 32 years
“Operator, run this licence plate please
Echo Alpha Tango
Alpha
Delta India Charlie Kilo”– Me, if I was a cop on the day I got fired.
i love police dramas because i’m a big fan of men in rolled up sleeves standing in front of a map saying “all right people listen up” 20 minutes in.
My husband’s sole purpose in life is to have me explain the entire plot of a TV series while I’m trying to watch the last 20 minutes.
Waiter: would you like flat or sparkling water ?
Me: garden hose is fine thanks
being my friend involves faking enthusiasm whenever I say “look how long my hair is getting”