All these pregnancy photos are so annoying. It’s like, “Ugh, we get it, you ate a baby.”
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Me: So are we putting the soy milk with an expiration date of October 31, 2021 back in the fridge or…
Wife: No it’s ok it’s only the ‘best by’ date
This train was so long I had time to file my nails and my taxes.
The easter bunny left a note, it simply said:
Happy easter-fools day, I’ve hidden the deviled eggs around the house and turned the heat way up, you probably have about 25-30 minutes left before shit gets real bad!
Have a blessed day,
EB
Vegan zombies be like: GRAINS!
Apparently “my brain hurts” isn’t a legit reason to leave work early
My Target bill was $23 this month. Either I am really getting my shit together or someone at corporate has made a terrible mistake.
If I were lost and all I had was a compass I would still be lost.
I’ll pleasure you in ways you never thought possible like vacuuming and doing dishes
Me: Delete it!
Nightclub security: [rewatching the tape of a girl rolling the collar of my turtleneck up over my head while I’m talking to her] Lol never.
every night i say to my husband, “go up without me, I have to take my vitamins” but I’m just eating cookie dough
My brother: You’re the closest thing to family I’ve got.
Me: Wtf?
Toddler: what’s that?
Me: that’s the sky.
Toddler: what’s sky mean?
Me: sky means sky.
Toddler: what’s that?
Me: that’s grass.
Toddler: what’s grass mean?
Me: grass means grass.
Toddler: what’s that?
Me: tears.
Toddler: what’s tears mean?
Me: it means please just stop.
Weird; People in my office have started naming the food in the company fridge. Today I ate a tuna sandwich named Kevin.
I hate when someone makes an Instagram for their pet and then spells all the words wrong.
Either your dog is smart enough to set up, build & maintain a successful social media presence or he isn’t.
If you expect me to believe a dog did all this I think he can also spell “hungry.”
INTERVIEWER: when u read a good book, wat kind of things do u pictur in ur head
ME: [pausimg for a split second too long] words
My family’s dull. All through his teens my brother had his head buried in a book before dad exhumed it & reattached to the rest of his body.
Sir, I cannot take you seriously. You’re wearing capris. Capris. CAPRIS.
Life hack:
When an annoying person ask for your phone number give them you ex’s. That way they’ll ask for you and ruin their day.
[First day as a personal chef]
How do you take your poptart?
Get rid of the “quality check” section on the Domino’s pizza tracker. I know what I’m getting myself into here.
sometimes I worry that my diseases are saving up to move to a better person in a more desirable location
Accidentally went grocery shopping on an empty stomach and now I’m the proud owner of aisle 7.
When this pandemic is over, I’m going to French kiss every escalator handrail at the mall
My younger daughter has been in her bedroom looking at screens the last three years and I have forgotten her first name.
I just got invited to a zoom baby naming ceremony. If I wasn’t a part of the baby making ceremony I don’t want to be a part of naming it.
“We’d make great parents.”
– couples who watch your kids for three minutes while you go pee
The toast is toasting in the toaster, because that’s where the toast toasts.
*walks into Good Will*
Hi yes, I’d like to trade my friend Will in for a better one.
My front door has a reverse peephole so you can see me ignoring you
Today, i tried to run with a mask on, but i couldn’t.
It reminded me of those times when i tried to run without a mask and still couldn’t.