All these pregnancy photos are so annoying. It’s like, “Ugh, we get it, you ate a baby.”
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[Road trip]
me: *pops in disc* don’t talk while this is on
kids: it’s just a blank CD
me: SHHH
Dr: Check his vital signs.
Nurse: He’s got 4G coverage & his battery’s at 60%
It’s all fun and games until you realize you’re the girl at work known as “how is she still employed.”
it’s so crazy how the abbreviation for pound is lb and everyone is like yeah sure ok
My wife sends me home improvement TikToks and says these projects āwould be so easyā for me to do so I started sending her the elaborate āsimpleā cooking ones and now weāve reached an uncomfortable truce.
boss: can we talk?
me: sure
boss: people are afraid of you because youāre obsessed with the devil
me: okay, first of all his name is lucifer
Elon Musk made $180M when PayPal was acquired in 2002.
He put $100M in SpaceX, $70M in Tesla, and $10M in Solar City. He borrowed money for rent.
Now, he’s worth $190 billion.
The greatest entrepreneurs aren’t driven by money; it’s a byproduct of success.
Me: hi, Iād like to schedule an exorcism for my husband
Priest: what makes you think heās possessed?
Me: he forgets to eat on a regular basis
Priest: thatās not really-
Me: also he doesnāt ācare for for cheeseā
Priest: *grabs largest crucifix* Letās do this
I have 2 speeds- the slow southern girl sashay and the is that the ice cream truck outside?
I don’t care where I am, if I see a car that looks like a friend’s car I’m going to assume they’re in it. Like I could be in North Korea and if I saw a white Toyota Camry I’d be like oh shit is that my boy Greg?
Ever find buried treasure in your grandpas backyard containing passports, Nazi uniforms, and a photo with Papa with the Fuhrer inside? Yeah.
I think as Canadians we’re so nice because we focus all our hatred on geese
@spacej_me this lady at a bar was flirting with me and telling me AI’s will take my job and i was like no way and she was like oh for sure and I was like listen lady there’s no way AI will take my job, im unemployed and she stopped flirting with me at that point
I just pressed the Popcorn setting on my microwave and it showed me secret spy video of Kellyanne Conway eating lunch.
My life is a lot like taking a road trip with kids, but itās just me pestering the universe with:
āAm I there yet?ā
āI want snacksā
āWHEN WILL WE GET THERE?!?ā
āI have to pee againā
Every birth announcement I see the parents are like āweāre already so in love!ā Just once I want a āshe seems chill but weāll see what happensā
Ate half my sandwich prolly save the other half for later
I like being married but not every day.
šššš
The free hotel blow-dryer should be easier to get off the bathroom wall.
My wife working in our garden: How does it look?
Me: Well thatās the last place I ever expected to see throw pillows.
INTERVIEWER: Any questions for me?
ME: How do I access the WIFI?
INTERVIEWER: I meant about the job
ME: Is that all capital?
āThose arenāt the variants youāre looking forā –
Obicron Kenobi
Our neighbour always gets my wife’s name wrong, so she started doing the same to him. She apologises and says English names “are challenging to remember” and “am I saying it right?”. His name is Ken
My wife told me she “likes it rough.”
So I replaced the toilet paper roll with a sandpaper roll.
-how guys understand women
DATE: Iām just looking for someone who goes with the flow, you know? Someone chill.
ME: [has a small panic attack whenever a shop assistant asks if Iām looking for anything in particular] *nods*
[work email]
Me: Can I meat the new guy?
Boss: Meet? Okay, sure…
Me: Great!*hides bag of steaks*
Pick a card, any card. No, not that one. Not that one, either.
store clerk: can I help you find anything
me: yes *hands over where’s waldo book*
When someone compliments me on here, my gut reaction is to say, āYEAH OKAY AND WHAT IF IāM A CATFISH?!ā
…I am not a catfish.
Why am I like this?
@Shot_Of_Cabo @funTweeters That is how my father ended up being the only one cleaning the house. My mother hasn’t cleaned a thing in 40 years.