All these self driving vehicles..It’s only a matter of time that we hear a country song about his truck leaving him
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Someone just posted an article on Facebook and said “file this under sad.” WAS I SUPPOSED TO BE FILING EVERYTHING
i’m not worried about WW111 i’ve been feeding a crow army for 3 yrs
“Forgive me, I’m a terrible flort”
“Don’t you mean flirt?”
*starts florting*
“OMFG. WTF is that?!”
How to brew beer: First buy $300 worth of equipment from the last guy who thought it would be fun
A guy laughed at me because I only have a 19″ TV. I suggested we not laugh about how many inches things are. That shut him up.
I once had a girlfriend and then she got to know me.
Angel: hey God the humans are doing another sacrifice for you
God: [sitting in a sea of goats] it’s not another goat is it
Kid at the reference desk said “How should I decide what job I want to do when I grow up?”
I said “Find out if it makes you work on Saturdays and if it does, don’t do that.”
“Is that important?”
“Right this second it’s literally the most important thing.”
#saturdaylibrarian
You’ve got two basic kinds of people — people who move towards weird sounds and people who move away from them.
So basically life is cancelled
Except workHow convenient
My grandma used to tell me that video games were bad for me while she drank her gin in a cloud of unfiltered cigarette smoke in her home that was made solely out of asbestos.
Used to be you could wash your pots and pans immediately after use and be done with it. But you can’t anymore. Because of soak
“google d-dildoes…” i whisper to siri “GOOGLIN BIG OL DILDOES!!” screams the phone, smashing windows in a 9mile radius & flipping over cars
Chemistry teacher: Did you know that protons have mass?
Me: I didn’t ever know they were catholic
Teacher: 😐😐😐
No thanks iPhone quick reply… I wasn’t going to reply to that text for days.
Drank some paint and have now added “interior decorator” to my CV.
Age is just a number until your 10yrs younger husband says “your hair today makes you look like Uncle Jesse’s girlfriend” and you think he meant from Dukes of Hazzard but he meant Full House and needless to say he’s now your ex-husband
Mehh
~Goat, sighing..
Needs to be a google maps setting where you can ask them not to make you take a left across four lanes of oncoming traffic
“I have a coupon for a large 2 topping”
“What toppings?”
“Pepperoni & a small cheese pizza”
“Sir you can’t top a pizza with a smaller pizza”
I wasn’t going to follow you but that bible verse in your bio totally changed my mind.
Ok, I’m finally off dairy. Next is sugar, then heroin.
My sleeping pills say don’t mix with alcohol, but drop it in the glass and it dissolves just fine. Doctors think they know everything.
[Dorothy, years after Oz, recounting her adventures to her grandchildren]
DOROTHY: *Smiles warmly* When I was your age, I murdered a woman and stole her shoes.
Secret hideout busted…🐈🐾😂😂
HR: So, what would you say is your greatest strength?
Me: I’m really good at stealing office supplies.
HR: *Looks down to throw away my resume but his desk is gone* Holy shit.
I tried to walk like an Egyptian and now I need to see a Cairo practor.
Step 1: achieve tumescence.
Step 2: figure out what tumescence is.
Stock market update:
Last month 401 k
This month 401 not ok