All these silly debates on social media are all a ploy to distract you from the fact that they are moving public urinals closer together everyday.
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I got bills
They’re multiplying
Creating horror must be hard because there aren’t horror open mics to try out scary ideas. Where you go up like, “uhhh, what if it’s dark and you hear a baby cry, and you turn on a light and it’s actually a spider?” And your buddy’s like, “hey man, I thought it was pretty scary.”
My soul leaving my body when the lecturer says “let’s hear from someone who hasn’t spoken yet”😭
My wife agreed to a water birth, so I’m setting up a slip’n slide in the front yard right now. I’m gonna wait at the end & catch him.
Tried to shop at the plagiarism store, unfortunately they only take credit.
“Size DOES matter”, I whisper to my double stuffed Oreos.
me: check out that beach body
other forensic detective: stop calling it that
Why would anyone get an ancestry DNA test for themselves? Such a waste of money.
*buys multiple Wisdom Panel DNA tests to see what breeds my dogs are.
Hollywood sets impossible standards we can never live up to. Not even once have I saved people from dinosaurs with my knowledge of Unix.
Spices were first brought to Western Europe in the Middle Ages. Some of them are still at the back of my cupboard
the first guy to ride a horse was all like GIDDYUP HORSEY and the horse was all like DAMMIT WHO TOLD HIM THAT MAKES US GO
An egg looks at another egg and says:
“Why are you so hairy?”
“Shut up, I’m a kiwi!”
#RubbishJokes #TuesdayVibe
“Pasta la veista, baby”
-Arnold Schwarzenoodles
Twitter: What do our users want?
Users: An edit button and relief from spam/abuse.
Twitter: Novella-length Tweets it is!
Whenever I sing, my mom goes outside. Not to get away from me, but to prove to my neighbors that she’s not beating me.
Have been woken up with the hangover from hell by the sound of my neighbour’s lawn mower. He’ll just have to mow around me, I’m not moving.
Friend: I grew as a person
Me: Did you molt?
Friend: What?
Me: Is there a dried out slightly smaller husk of you in the basement?
Friend:
Me: Can I see it?
I don’t know why we have three different pig emojis but it’s great for when you need to tell someone a pig is slowly approaching:
🐖🐷
🐽
Close your eyes. Picture a world without hunger. Open your eyes. I ate your sandwich.
Job interview:
– Good morning
– Good morning
– Have you got a twitter account?
– Yes
– Ok, thanks for your time. We’ll get back to you
Any shampoo can be volume control shampoo if you cram the bottle directly into your kids mouth
*brings a mattress to a trust fall*
Who’s your best friend?
It’s said that it takes 43 muscles to frown, but only 17 to smile which is why my face is ripped as hell
Do ducks and geese ever sit in a circle and play “ape ape human”?
Gingerbread man: i’m just not cut out for this
Therapist: actually you absolutely are
finished mowing the grass, thus solving the problem once and for all
Still thinking about a student I had years ago who asked if a paper was due at 4pm or 4am
Otter: [muttering] futkin kiths
People without kids: I’ll never yell at my kids
People with kids: I DONT KNOW WHY SOMEONE SPIT THEIR GUM ON THE ROAD JUST WALK!