All these silly debates on social media are all a ploy to distract you from the fact that they are moving public urinals closer together everyday.
You Might Also Like
I get the feeling some of you have been told by others of you not to talk to me. This means war.
I’m not defending anyone, I’m just saying I’ve seen some sexy couches.
You need to let shit go.
~ Buddha
Friend: What are you going to make for Thanksgiving?
Me: Probably a scene.
My husband: Okay, bye! I’m headed to play golf.
My kid: bye, Dada! I love you! We’ll always have our memories.
These are so Plastic Man-core
burglar tip: do NOT steal the clear freezer gemstones they’ll melt in ur pockets & make it look like u peed urself all ur friends will laugh
My husband disappears when I’m angry at him. I haven’t seen him since 2015.
You guys, we should do a shot. I’m gonna do a shot, who wants a shot?
~my favorite guy at the bar.
I’m going to start eating healthy again so I need to eat this half of a leftover cake to get it out of the house.
me before coffee: ugh why is everyone shouting
me after coffee: okay yes I do see the fire now
Me: Damn, there is no better feeling than skin on skin
store employee: Sir, you…you know you know you have to buy that pack of chicken now right?
I think tonight while my wife is asleep I’m going to pull on the satin ribbon she’s worn around her neck ever since the day I met her. What’s the worst that could happen. One lil tug
If your twitter husband commits twittercide does that make you a twidow?
Asking for a friend.
4: mommy? *takes bite*
Me: yes, love?
4: *chewing* I’m hungry.
Me: …I have good news
what pushes u to watch 19 seasons of mfs in a hospital??
me: if the prince truly loved cinderella he would remember her face. he just had a foot fetish and great resources.
guy: where is our regular priest
I accidentally poured too much hot sauce onto my lunch and damn if my life excitement didn’t just increase tenfold
Has anyone checked Kate Middleton’s attic for a half-played game of Jumanji? I just don’t think we can rule anything out at this stage.
Me: I have over 22k followers on Twitter.
Kid sitting next to me: I have imaginary friends too.
Me *enters new password*
Computer: ok
Me: Aren’t you going tell me it’s too weak?
Computer: It is but you don’t handle criticism very well
Me *crying* that’s not true
one thing I never see discussed in the remote vs office debate is the ability to have sex with my wife who also wfh during the day. much easier while the kids at school and huge boon for my productivity. not sure how to explain to my boss who wants me at the office more
Sure, you can get your wife jewelry or an expensive purse or perfume for Christmas, but she will never forget the Christmas you got her a mop. Never.
A sadist doctor keeps his stethoscope in a fridge
CASHIER: its declined
ME: run it again
C: sir, is this one of those fake credit cards they mail out
ME: no
C: your name is “local resident”?
Dress for the job you want others to think you have.
someone having a baby in the ‘90s: I’m pregnant, you’ll see it in 9 months.
someone having a baby since social media: rylington harverson punce, a future mountain mover, and barrier breaker, was born last night & the ground shook around us. 200k in his savings account already ❤️.
*gets a paper cut opening a bill*
Ah, yes, capitalism.
Me: Sleeps three hours.
Brain: That’ll do.
*5yo curses incessantly after falling.*
*Me realizing where he got it from: 😬*
Hubby: “Are there any trophy stores open? You deserve a mother of the year award.”