All these silly debates on social media are all a ploy to distract you from the fact that they are moving public urinals closer together everyday.
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Boss: You’re late! On Friday, I made it clear that anyone arriving late would be fired
Me: Well I didn’t know! I ducked out early on Friday
Books are a total scam. All of these words are already in the dictionary. They’re just selling them back to you in a different order.
FRIEND: i have this great new detox system
it’s all natural and actually works i swearME: is it your liver & kidneys?
i bet it’s your liver & kidneys
Pretty certain that wife and I would win the gold in the Olympic event of rage loading the dishwasher
A lot of people still don’t seem to get what social distancing means:
1) keeping two metres away from each other when out and about
2) disabling push notifications on the House Party app
What do you call a cow that eats your grass?
A lawn moo-er.
“This is the coolest underwater sci-fi movie ever.”
-me, drunk, watching the pool vac
The pizza guy just said “see u tomorrow”
Maybe I eat too much pizza …
I’m holding my head high and my middle finger a bit higher.
her: why is the cat so sparkly?
me: I think she looks fabulous.
her: WHAT DID YOU PUT IN THE LITTER BOX?
me: you mean the glitter box?
I gave my son an iPhone for Christmas and I haven’t seen him since.
Parenting is easy.
Them: but, if you’re both men, who’s “the lady” in the relationship?
Me: Mariah Carey.
is it possible to get my dehumidifier to water my houseplants
I do not have a firm grasp on physics but have sketched what I have in my mind, with it strapped to a ceiling fan
Aging has caused me to need glasses. Glasses of beer. Glasses of wine. And glasses of bourbon.
thanks, but I’M TOO FAR AWAY FOR YOU TO BE HOLDING THE DOOR OPEN FOR ME WHY ARE YOU DOING THIS STOP IT
Boss: You were gone 7 hours to smoke?
Me: Well yeah. It was a brisket.
The best part about Smarties is pouring them into an empty prescription bottle and shaking them all into my mouth while in line at the bank
Say what you want about me but at least I’ve never looked surprised in a selfie
[seafood restaurant]
CHEF: where are my shellfish?!
ME: *sneaking Prawn Solo and Luke Sidewalker out the door* quick, the rebel alliance needs you
I’ve never wrestled an alligator but I have retrieved something from my toddler’s mouth.
This week, we’re celebrating International No Wi-Fi Day! 📴✨
#WawawiwaComics
*installs mirrors on the bedroom ceiling*
*watches myself not sleeping*
Him: How does my football throw look to you?
Me: Like you’re good at science…
Him: sex tonight?
Me: Work put me in a bad mood
Him: tomorrow?
Me: I have a headache tomorrow
[walks into gym with my sunglasses on]
WHATS UP LADIES
*takes off sunglasses*
damn it 3rd treadmill I’ve hit on this week
Some of you would make better cellmates than soulmates.
Caught my son smoking pot then my wife walked in and caught me and our son smoking pot. Anyways I’m grounded.
[first date w/ someone who works on an online support chat window]
me: [pulls away from passionate kiss goodnight] this was fun, let’s do i it again sometime…
her: definitely
me: [turns to walk away]
her: thanks for chatting. is there anything else I can help you with today?
[First Date]
“Okay don’t let her know you’re a tool shed”
Waiter: Anything to drink?
Date: a screwdriver please
*My head slowly opens*