All these years, i thought Ricky Martin was singing, chicken bonbon, chicken bonbon
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MOVIE FACT: They had to remove a shower scene in Taken because the lead actor kept watching shampoo wash onto his feet and singing “Head & Shoulders Neeson toes”.
I’m bout to start telling people “land your plane” when they’re talking in circles..
Telemarketer: Let me tell you why our car insurance is better.
(10 minutes later)
My mom: You better email me that meatloaf recipe, Sue, and I hope they drop the drug charges against Ricky Jo!
This girl on FB said “Lunch with daddy” and it was an actual pic of her kids with their dad and I was expecting her with some old dude. Twitter broke me!
The only jealous bone I’ve ever had in my body is yours.
it’s so hard to see someone else living your dream
she has a point
media CEO: we’re doing a series on salary transparency!
same media CEO: wait no stop asking about mine
Swiss Army knives should come with a first aid attachment.
I am a tiny man: when my son was born, the doctor handed me to him
When getting rid of old clothes you have 2 options:
1. Donate to Goodwill
2. Dress every raccoon within a 5-mile radius
[months ago]
Me: I wish for one episode to be so dark no one can see it, one episode to include an infamous coffee cup debacle, and the series to end with Tony Soprano sitting on the Iron Throne.
Genie: And now we wait.
please stop saying things like “ur so hot” and “your jokes have both emotional depth and the refreshing originality of a self aware intellectual” and start saying things like “here is ten thousand dollars”
[karate class]
Sensei: break this board with your hands
Me: why can’t I use an axe?
Sensei: because I hate you
How do I tell a guy that I’m only interested in him because I’d like to take selfies with his puppy?
When you get mad but you’re one of the nicest people ever…😂🐮🐑
Fired from my job as an autopsy technician for repeatedly asking “are you gonna eat that?” during the procedures.
About ran over a guy jogging at 6 am in 10 degree weather, simply as a mercy killing. But my husband stopped me, explaining that some people “enjoy” that sort of thing.
So I just started chasing the dude with my car, to increase his joy.
An evil genius rising to a position of power is bad but it makes sense at least. Feels insulting we’re constantly seeing evil dumbasses doing it instead
Welcome to adulthood: your chin looks lonely, here’s another one.
I bought some shoes from a drug dealer. I don’t know what he laced them with, but I’ve been tripping all day.
°a turd walks into a bar°
[BARTENDER] why the long face pal?
[TURD] °sighs° i just got dumped
Just got unfollowed by exorcist scary looking lady with crazy eyes who has “will get in cars with strangers” in her bio. I’m hiding……..
The eclipse was like April fools for birds
Chappell Roan sounds like a place they have to defend in Lord of the Rings.
Abs are made in the kitchen, but a six pack can be bought in a store
“Dad, is that a bear outside the tent?”
“No.”
“OK.”
“Hold still.”
“What’re you putting on me?”
“Sunscreen.”
“It smells like ketchup.”
“Shhh”
Every time I watch Bambi I hope it will turn out differently, but I always end up drunk and covered in cool ranch doritos
My ex wife has the only copy of our wedding video, can’t see myself getting married again.
Therapist: Your relationships are unhealthy
Me: I have a healthy relationship with denial