All these years, i thought Ricky Martin was singing, chicken bonbon, chicken bonbon
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people act so amazed at shroedingers cat being alive and dead at the same time as if they’ve never met someone who works customer service
[coworkers chatting about me, to me]
cw 1: you’re such a goof!
me: hehe I’ll take it
cw 2: better than other things you can be called!
me: like?
cw 2: like… dumbass?
me: no one’s ever dared to call me that. I wouldn’t be the first if I were you.
cw 1 and 2:
me: good morning 🥰
H: Something’s wrong with you.
M: Yes.
H: No, like for real.
M: Yes, I told you that from day one.
H: But you were kidding…
M: Haha, no.
Americans will literally use anything BUT the metric system.
[Justice League Disney Hotel]
Me: can I have some help with my bags?
Aquaman: Sure. Water friends for.
“Oh. Wow. Oh. Jeez. We didn’t think everyone was gonna bring a bag!” -airlines
Clubbing in my 20s:
Spills beer *everywhere*
Clubbing in my 40s:
Everywhere is so sticky!?
I’m raising my child to believe there were only 3 ‘Star Wars’ movies.
Son:Dad’s trick or treating as a ghost in a bed sheet?
Wife:& heels,eye patch & his hand stuck in a Nutella jar. More like a ghost on ambien
Once I’ve made up my mind about something, there’s no stopping me
from second guessing myself.
Remember that time that thing happened and you laughed when you weren’t supposed to laugh? People are still mad about that.
In the movie Speed, Keanu saves the passengers thanks to a gif
[dropping my bf off at the airport]
Me: *going in for a hug, already crying* I’m gonna miss you so much
Him: I’m gonna make everyone think you’re my Uber driver!
Me: wait wha-
Him: *pushing my face away* OKAY FINE, I’LL GIVE YOU 5 STARS!
Do you think Ariel ate the scallops whose shells she wears as a bra or that she just found them?
Waiter: I meant any questions about our menu.
Babies are very like governments, you know. Constant appetite at one end, constant mess at the other. And they only ever get bigger.
If I were British I would carry around a monicle and drop it whenever I was horrified
My dad lied a lot. I was 17 before I realized the ‘Silver Table Cat’ wasn’t a real species, and that we didn’t own a pet, we owned a toaster
#damn
Steve : I’m going to call it the Steveharmonic orchestra.
*Phil creeps up from behind with baseball bat*
[at the auto parts store]
Me: I need windshield wipers for my Chryler
Counter Guy: What size engine
Shred some cheese for me? Thanks, you’re the gratist
I’m so pale… I don’t send nudes, I send transparencies
Just heard a person at the thrift store ask for something in a different size…
Don’t you hate it when you’re on your way to join the circus and you accidentally get married and have 3 kids?
Just saved 2 bytes on my 250GB hard drive by refactoring one line code. Finally starting to understand what minimalism feels like.
Chickens only make one sound, because they can’t think outside the bawks.
Dad: There’s no use crying over spilled milk son.
Me: But dad it was tequila!
Dad: What!? *cries immensely*
*hears someone breaking in*
*grabs gun and walks down hallway*
*cord drags*
*realizes I grabbed Nintendo gun from Duck Hunt*
*gets shot*
Comment on your friend’s vacation group photos and ask which kid is their favorite. Then suggest which child you believe should be the favorite.
I want my headstone to read “loving wife, evil dictator”.