All these years, i thought Ricky Martin was singing, chicken bonbon, chicken bonbon
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DREAM WEDDING IDEAS:
– my ex who is still in love with me attends & is dramatically sad
– grandma gets tipsy & I find out what REALLY happened to cousin Louise
– The bridesmaid I secretly hate trips down the aisle & the video goes viral
– there’s like a groom or w/e idc
My schedule can get pretty packed – that’s why I like to use Google calendar to keep myself organised. For example [scrolls down for45 seconds] December 25th is Christmas Day
“what does your tattoo mean” i had money and nobody stopped me
Nothing worse than a reduced love sausage
*reading news story about how great some guy is* wow this guy sounds great *reading further* oh no, he’s a bomber and he’s dead
I hate showing my baby pictures because everyone says “you were so cute” but there’s always the unspoken but implied “what happened”
I don’t drink blood to stay young. I do it mainly for the lifestyle.
*struggling to get the peanut butter jar that I just closed open*
“HOLY COW, I’M STRONGER THAN MYSELF”
I’m at a kids fun park and let me just emphasize that the word “fun” is used loosely here.
Moist people aren’t offended by the occasional typo.
stacking up 8 sneezes so I can blow them all at once
No thanks “protected account”. You can’t trick me into following you!
For all I know, you could be a vegan.
*at July 4th cookout*
3: Mommy, where is America? Why isn’t she at her birthday party?
Me: [explains the concept of a country]
3:
3: So where is she? Does America have legs?
Me:
If your Facebook picture is a photo of a sunset or something inanimate, I’ll assume you have a dissociative identity disorder.
They suggested I elevate my feet and so, I was wondering if your shoulders were available.
My favorite act of vengeance is befriending your dad and convincing him that dread locks would look cool on him.
Who has time to monitor followers/unfollowers?
I can barely keep track of my kids and I only have 1 of those.
Wait.
Two. I have 2 kids.
If they handed out awards for peeling a hard boiled egg with grace, I would get absolutely nothing.
Just pulled into the ‘Expecting Mothers’ parking spot at Walmart because I’m fully expecting to lose my shit on one of my kids in there.
Reasons I work out.
1) I don’t wanna be bit by a vampire and spend eternity out of shape and double chinned.
2) I guess to be healthy
*Gets bit by spider*
*I don’t get powers*
*Spider develops bags under all eight eyes and starts yelling at my kids*
me: do you want to play some ps4?
frenchman: oui
me: no we only have the playstation
just wait til i figure out what algorithm means
Robocop’s guns malfunction.
Robocop gets sued for manslaughter.
Robocop loses his home.
Hobocop.
In 1949 a US senator attempted to ban popcorn in cinemas. During a Senate hearing about it, another senator handed out free popcorn. The law was never passed.
My neighbor has a huge warehouse/shop and is alway in there banging away on something or doing stuff but never really producing anything. I just know that one day Dateline is going to interview me and ask if I knew what was going on in there…
me: wow the stars are beautiful
gf: omg babe they really are
me: u know who else is beautiful?
gf: *blushes* who? :3
me: Harambe
The kids complained that I was making them run laps around the house for exercise, so now they’re running laps with a vacuum cleaner.
velma: another mystery solved gang. there’s no such thing as the supernatural, just ol’ fashioned trickery
scooby doo, the talking dog: rol’ rashioned rickery
new wife guy just dropped
