All these years you thought your grandma had Alzheimers, and turns out she just didn’t want to talk to you.
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SON: Daddy, what’s the point of this?
ME: I’m not sure there is one, son, our existence and actions are ultimately futile and meaningless
SON: No, I meant this
ME: Oh that’s a can opener
[dollar store]
“how much for your finest dollar?”
Me to Hitman: in the bedroom. He is big.
Hitman*pulls gun & enters* where is he?
Me: on the wall!
Hitman: that’s a spider
Me: kill it!
My son just started telling me about a new Pokémon character. Talk to you guys on Monday.
My yoga instructor says I need to work on my breathing.
But I mean, 41 years, still alive. I kinda got it.
All of my horoscopes lately have started with “Ok, don’t freak out but…”
me teaching american history: so the president’s job is he guards the declaration of independence from nicolas cage.
when ur hate is strong but your bladder’s weak
[first day in the mob]
*leans over to mafioso* Hey, so, uhh, I’ve always wondered: are they all just named “Don” or…
[scale says I’ve gained 5 pounds]
Me: It’s probably just what I’m wearing.
Wife: You’re naked.
Me:
Wife:
Me: It’s a heavy deodorant.
It isn’t a real party unless some drunken idiot makes a fool of themselves by walking face first into a closed glass sliding door.
I’m fine by the way.
me: iced latte please
barista: what type of milk?
me: spaghetti
That time I pointed out to the guy trying to sell a magazine subscription that I have a “No Soliciting” sign and he rolled his eyes and said, “Yeah but I’m not soliciting, I’m selling”. Thus ends the tale of why I have a “do not disturb” sign.
“I’m gonna sleep in tomorrow.”
Every child ever: No you’re not.
My wife doesn’t have a Honey-Do list. She has a Cantaloupe list, which has all the girls I’m not allowed to run away with
Dunno how you Americans have the motivation and energy to pronounce the ‘y’ in ‘basil’ and ‘tomatoes’.
My boss has stopped letting me leave early for my son’s Little League games ever since he learned he’s in his second year of college.
Dear autocorrect, at no point in time have I meant to say “I’m affordable” instead of “I’m adorable”. Stop embarrassing me.
It’s kind of comforting to know that no matter what you might be going through in life, that glitter you barely touched 12 years ago will always be there, on your face, making you look like an idiot.
When William Shakespeares first wrote the bible, he called the four horsemen of the apocalypse Smelt, Dealt, Denied & Supplied.
CW: Just quit, Bob, your inventions are useless
Bob [sulks into his office]: Maybe he’s right
*flicks light switch*
*parachute comes out*
Date: Do you go camping?
Me: Our ancestors evolved in order to give us pillow-top mattresses and flushing toilets. Why would I sleep outside?
As an adult I’ve caused the most trouble by pressing ‘send’
My friend asked for suggestions for something short and funny to watch so I suggested my 12yo son.
My dad said he thinks his new gf is the one and I said well technically she’s the fifth one
Topic: Excited about mustard!
MustardNewbie99: Hey guys! Just tried this french mustard and it really opened my eyes! Has anyone else tried it?
InTheCourtOfTheMustardKing
412,294 Posts
Registered 3/13/2002
[SUPER ADMIN – MANDATE OF HEAVEN]
No, we’ve never tried moutarde forte🙄
What doesn’t kill a grammar nazi makes me wronger.
“MAKE GOOD CHOICES!!”, I screamed from inside the cop car
Uber is going to choose a new CEO in 4 minutes. Now 5 minutes. Shit now it’s 11 minutes away, why is it going in the opposite direction