*walk up to woman breastfeeding baby* Is this guy bothering you?
All these years you thought your grandma had Alzheimers, and turns out she just didn’t want to talk to you.
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Maid of Honor speeches shouldn’t end with, “I’ll see you all at her next one.” I know that now.
You guys are even more beautiful now that I’m wearing my “wine glasses”.
me: goodnight moon 🙂
me: goodnight stars 🙂
me: sry wrongnumber
moon: whos stars
moon: who is stars
moon: answer me
“The 1st Amendment is a magical shield that protects you from any consequences after publically posting your opinions online.”
Buy the haunted house…
You’ll never be lonely.
Me: What’s the wifi password?
Barman: You need to buy a drink first.
Me: Okay, I’ll have a coke.
Barman: Is Pepsi okay?
Me: Sure. How much is that?
Me: There you go. So what’s the wifi password?
Barman: You need to buy a drink first. No spaces, all lowercase.
Clark Kent is such a hipster.
He has fake glasses, still uses phone booths, & prides himself as being the only one who hasn’t seen Superman
Baller is short for ballerina
Why is everything so sticky?