All these years you thought your grandma had Alzheimers, and turns out she just didn’t want to talk to you.
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Flowers for Valentine’s Day are cool…but what she really needs is windshield wiper fluid.
cut negativity out of your life. delete Facebook. block your landlord’s number. uninstall your banking app. stop paying taxes. forget math. self care.
I bought a Christmas tree today and the salesman asked if I was going to put it up myself. I said no, I’m going to put it in the living room.
I would throw myself under a duvet for you.
any two men could tell me they were in daft punk and i would believe them
Most embarrassing thing a human being can experience is publicly unrequited love. Second is having the noisy grocery cart.
Being a mother you are always prepared for the unexpected but nothing can prepare you for the strength you will need when your son’s voice begins to change and you have to keep a straight face.
Someone stole my identity. And then sent it back with $100 and a note that said “So sorry man. Hope things work out.”
Countries whose names are lies:
• Chile – pretty warm
• Ivory Coast – it’s sand
• Greenland – nope
• Turkey – not a flightless bird
• United Kingdom
If you tell me your deepest, darkest secrets, I promise I won’t tell anyone. Unless it will make me look important or interesting or funny.
The average parent spends roughly 2.7 years of their life picking up crayons from under restaurant tables.
My daughter wants to be something scary for Halloween this year so she’s going to carry a school fundraising packet to every door.
Why is the floor squeaking upstairs; does the cat weigh that much? Jeezus I hope the cat weighs that much.
My 5yo acts like some sorta food connoisseur when I cook but today I caught him eating bread that he’d dipped in his cup of milk. What’s the deal with that?!
Had a date planned for tonight but he got electrocuted at work.
I’m serious
The things men do to avoid hanging out with me is amazing.
There is no “we” in chocolate.
*eats Big Mac meal*
*has two ice cream cones for dessert*
*drives by gym**wonders why new diet and fitness plan isn’t working*
Flipped over my therapist’s writing pad and it was just a New York Times crossword with “shut up” written in every blank.
[after finding and hanging out with bigfoot] does anyone have one of those pet hair rollers
HR said no more nunchucks.
“I don’t know why you don’t just leave him, Elaine.”
In 8th grade I had to take care of an egg to teach me responsibility. That egg hatched, and I raised the chicken as my own. He was delicious
” Don’t be upset”
Thanks man , I needed to be told that
I’m better now.
[Friend] Kyle, u have to stop referring to your Ballet Club as a “gang”
[Me & my gang all do 2 pirouettes and stop in unison] “Not a chance”
Rude coworker said something very dumb & mean to me.
She blamed it on pregnancy brain.
I asked her if she was having triplets.
*first day as an insurance salesman*
Customer: Can I get a quote?
Me: Sure! “Hold on tight, spider-monkey” 🥰
Customer: …
Me: …
Customer: …
Me: …Edward Cullen 2008.
Just weighed myself. I’d strongly advise against y’all doing that.
OMG YOU SHOULD DO A CARTWHEEL RIGHT NOW
– alcohol
*2 Knights on a Quest*
Elgon: Let’s rest here. Does the map say where we are?
Gawain: The map says “Here be Dragons”.
Elgon: Ha! They always say that!
Gawain: *getting off horse* Why do they say that?
Elgon:
Gawain: Elgon?
Dragon: Oh, was that your friend? *burp*
I have the credit card bills of a much wealthier man.