Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

It’s not procrastination if I never had any intention of doing it in the first place.

If I could have dinner with anyone, alive or dead, no question, I would want to have pizza.

[At home school reunion]

“And Sasha bought a new cat, her name is Mittens.”
“Mom I know, you told me yesterday.”

God: you’re a llama.

Llama: I look ridiculous.

God: why do you say that?

Llama: I look like a giraffe made love to a sheep.

God: that’s not true.

Llama: i’m a giraffe sheep : (

God: [under breath] more like a drama llama.

Overall productive day..

*Ordered Batman boxer briefs & matching knee socks
*Called my mom
*Bought an Xbox game, & a goat, on Craigslist

“the quick brown fox jumps over the lazy dog”:
-overdone
-juvenile
-has no impact or weight to it

“sphinx of black quartz, judge my vow”
-holy shit
-literally the most metal way to test out your font
-raw as hell

Toddler in our bed last night; it was like sleeping with an octopus on meth.

[buying a USB cord at Best Buy]
that’ll be $29.99
[buying a USB cord off Amazon]
here, take 5 cords for $4.99 and I’ll throw in a free horse

Teach your kids how to drive a car, get a job, cook, & do laundry from day one. The quicker they learn this, the faster they can move out.

If you could only see yourself through my eyes, then you’d see how blurry you really are.

Sweet Revenge 😂😂😂

#archaeohistories

I stopped writing poetry when I realized their only value was to threaten to read them to people if they didn’t do what I wanted.

Laura Dern was born 35, she was 35 in Jurassic Park and she’s still 35 today

MAGICIAN: Is this your card?

MAN: No

MAGICIAN: Is this your card?

MAN: No. When is our regular postman back from holiday?

One hamburger please

CHICK-FIL-A: Sorry we only serve chicken here

Oh
*leaves*
*comes back wearing a chicken costume*
One hamburger please

Never answer knocking at your door. It’s always people. Always. Never giant chocolate bars. Only people.

Grading system for students in India:

A – Average
B – Below average
C – Can’t have dinner
D – Don’t come home
F – Find a new family

Stop telling the people you don’t agree with to go to hell or we’re gonna be surrounded by people we don’t like.

the only thing i remember about my school’s gifted program was learning about whales.

what was it about whales that the other kids weren’t ready for? the mystery haunts me to this day.

Now that we’re divorcing,
I’m definitely not finishing that scarf I’ve been knitting you for nine years

We’d like to remind passengers that free in-flight wi-fi is available for purchase immediately after take off

– airlines airlining

Normal people flirting: Hey you’re cute we should go out sometime

Me flirting: So do you like bread

Tai Chi in the streets. Chai Tea in the steeps.

people think 👼 is the angel emoji but 🍪 is actually much closer to the biblical description

My dad is watching American Pie and the sex scenes are somehow more uncomfortable at 36 than they were as a teen

Typos are gonna be the death of me!

Unless pills, cigarettes, alcohol, unprotected sex, meth, bull fighting or Taco Bell kill me first.

Sorry I’m late. I was standing in front of the cooler staring at names on Coca Cola bottles for 10 mins realizing how many people I dislike.

Mario Bros. Plumbing ★☆☆☆☆ (69 Reviews)
Hired them to clear my drain, stomped my turtle to death and ran off with my girlfri….
(Read More)

Veterinarian: Curiosity killed the cat.

Dog: Sure, go with that.

roman centurion: [dusting his hands off as he walks away from the crucifixion] well, we won’t be seeing that guy again!