Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

observational humor is about to get weird. like hey guys you know how when you go into my kitchen specifically

[At my front door, speaking to a detective in my robe]

Me : Can I have my robe back, please?

I was blinded by a goddamn deer with a shiny red nose… No, officer, I haven’t been drinking

In todays addition of what will we find when we take off our bra…two legos AND a winning lotto ticket! Just kidding that would be so awesome but it was just two legos.

mother’s day idea: treat your mom as she has treated you! force her to take piano lessons

Me: What you gotta buy from Target?

Her: Target will tell me when I get there

After all the tasty socks my washer has decided to have masks for dessert.

Lawyer: As My Lord knows,…
Judge: Don’t presume I know it, counsel.
Lawyer: Beg pardon. *clears throat* As My Lord ought to know…

I quit smoking cold turkey 1 year ago but sometimes I still get the urge to go into fridge and light up a slice

Octopus: *holding 8 guns* Looks like we got a Mexican standoff
Squid: *holding 8 guns* Not so fast *draws 2 more guns*

When you ask for your phone charger back and your teenager has the audacity to ask “what percentage are you on?”

My wife calls it “woman’s intuition” but I call it “not clearing your browser history.”

My doctor advised me to ease back into my exercise regime. So, today I plan on driving past the gym slowly.

Cats are not as loyal as dogs are. But at least they won’t tell the police where the bodies are….

Treadmills:
The only thing worse than running, is running and going nowhere.

My 9yo on Shark Tank:

“It’s a shirt, but look, it’s also a napkin!”

Sick of people telling me to “calm down” and “release the hostages.”

If anyone is missing a cup it’s probably in my daughter’s room

Thank God I never know what anyone is talking about

just mowed the backyard
[idiot mocking voice] “but deg what will u do this weekend?”
hell, the way it grows i’ll be able to mow sunday idiot

It’s called “personal grooming” as though we might get confused and groom a total stranger.

I’m cryingdjdjdhj and she was serious too 😭😭😭

My daughter asked me if I know how to do the Running Man, like my generation didn’t invent it. Anyway, that’s what brings me to the ER.

cop: looks like the groom was murdered by his best man

detective: so you’re saying it was a *removes sunglasses* homiecide

cop: I don’t get it

detective: bc you have no friends, neil

Me: Enough with the reminders. I got it already.

Also me: Oh shit that was today.

I figure soon we will be grounding our children by sending them outside to play

If a cannibal ate a comedian, that would lead to some funny shit.

If you have a horse and you didn’t name it Edgar Allan Pony, we can’t be friends.