Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

911: What’s your emergency?

“I put the Ford in affordable housing.”

911: Are you flirting?

“No I crashed into some apartments. SEND HELP”

My son went into a bank 5 mins ago and I’m waiting in the car. Now I’m hearing sirens in the distance and I’m hoping I’m not a getaway car.

If inmates can pen pal their way into marriage, then there’s still hope for most of you.

Only 1 in 6 Americans can find Ukraine on a map…
Putin is fixing the issue
by just calling it all “Russia”.

Had I known you were coming I would have baked a cake. Instead you get to watch me decapitate an iguana. You should call ahead.

Spreading a sheet of creamy peanut butter onto a dinner plate & then eating it with a knife & fork.

World: Hey check out this sport we made called football.
America: *sips beer* Check out this other sport I just made called football.

If I’m your lawyer, we’re in jail

one of the most amazing things in nature is that the basketball hoop is the perfect size to fit a basketball through

*buys almond milk*

“I’m gonna get healthy!”

*drinks almond milk*

“This is gross.”

*pours Hershey’s chocolate syrup in milk*

“Perfect.”

[on a first date]

Me: sure, I’d love to see your basement

Me: If you become a lawyer, I’ll disinherit you
16: From what?
Me: …well played

There are three stages in a woman’s life.
1. Pampers
2. Always
3. Depends

Sesame Street didn’t prepare me for any of this bullshit.

INTERVIEWER: What did you like most about your last job?

ME: *leans in way too close* Leaving it.

me: i dont want any kids
person: *low chuckle* oh, you’ll change your mind.
me: *grabs them by collar* tell me more about the future, wizard

Taco Bell is really the only place you can still get gas for $1.29 at the moment.

I just left a court docket with 47 cases. I was number 4 and 43. The judge took the bench and took one look at me with my Kleenex and hacking cough and said, “Patient zero, YOU will be going first.”

Never has looking like complete crap made me so happy.

Almost done with my screenplay about the end of the world, and only cats survive.

I call it “Apocalypse Meow”.

Me: ” I’m gonna wrap my bear legs around your head”
Him: ” You mean bare?”
*Me looking at my untouched razor*
“Nope”

nobody will remember:
– your salary
– how “busy you were”
– how many hours you worked

people will remember:
– the one time you misspelled that word in the chat
– how badly you misspelled that word
– god you are so stupid they will literally never let you live that down

My wife says I remind her of James Bond. I’m bad at following orders, I’m emotionally dead, and she’d like to see the role go to Idris Elba.

Them: I saw someone who looks just like you!

Someone:

*slowly slides PBJ under seat*

The real miracle is how Jesus managed to book a table for twenty-six people on the night before the Easter holiday, and then only half them showed up.

Just watched a guy walk into the wall, because he couldn’t decide if he should go left or right. The future of humanity scares me.

Said to my girlfriend that she had changed my life more that she will ever know. She became overwhelmed with emotion. I didn’t have the heart to tell her it was because she showed me a shortcut on Microsoft Excel which I now use daily

3 came up to me and asked for all the water in the house and then 4 came up to me and asked for all the paper towels in the house so I’m probably going to have to move.

I like to ask strangers in line at the DMV to guess my weight just so I can see what I can get away with putting on my license.