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M: There was yelling and pushing! I’ve never been trapped in a mob! I was so scared!
H: It was a 3rd grade field trip.
M: I BROKE A NAIL!
911: what room is the body in
me: I wanna say living room… but that feels weird
When I was just little boy I asked my mother, what will I be? Will I be pretty? Will I be rich? And here’s what she said to me…
Maybe there is a secret third thing
Relationships are minefields. Learn from me. Study. Engage. Other words that sound knowledgeable.
When I have to go back to work again, I’ll have to leave messages ranting about my job on my answering machine at least 6 times a day because the cats have grown accustomed to it
Think of a thing.
Theres an e cig flavor for that.
by age 30 you really should just be in a completely unsustainable number of different group chats that all comprise of different combinations of the same people
If you don’t know what stage your relationship is in, I’d recommend not sitting in the front row of a comedy show
Wife still out of town. I’m afraid if I order Dominos again they will call child services.
[flirting]
ME: Do you come here often?
HER: Sir, I’m the librarian.
ME: Uh huh.
HER: And this is a library.
ME: Oh, gotcha.
HER: Okay then.
ME: *whispers* Soooo, do you come here often?
Today I threw away an empty Amazon box that’s been sitting on the floor for two weeks, so that means tomorrow I’ll have a need for that box.
*pronounces surface like Versace*
Wife: Can you go pick up a chair I bought on a Facebook group?
Me: What if the seller is a murderer?
Wife: Why do you think I’m sending you?
[first day as geologist]
me: *mouth full of dirt* the crust is the best part
Dry sarcasm assumes the existence of moist sarcasm.
My wife has been leaving jewelry catalogs all over the house.
So, Ive taken the hint.
Got her a magazine rack!
WIFE: Just face it, it’s a lost cause
WILE E COYOTE: *sifting through Acme bills* You could be a little more supportive, Janet
My 11-year-old is talking about what she wants her future house to look like and I’m pretty sure she is describing a zoo.
devil:
first guy in hell:
devil:
first guy in hell:
devil:
first guy in hell: is the awkwardness the torture or…
devil: shut up it’s gonna—it’ll pick up
I’m going back to work tomorrow after the holiday break, which means playing that annual game:
What food is rotting in the office kitchen?
I decided to change things up for my neighbors. Instead of seeing me topless, they caught me bottomless.
Today is Star Wars Day, which means we should all reflect on a simpler time in our lives, when Harrison Ford didn’t have an earring.
“HONEY, MY TOOTHBRUSH IS MOVING!”
“Has it got ears?”
“YEAH.”
“Tail?”
“YEAH.”
“Is it the dog?”
“I THINK I KNOW THE DIFF–AH IT BIT ME AGAIN!”
Officer i swear I’ve only had 2 dog beers (14 beers)
The “mommy” to “bro” pipeline is a steep and sudden drop.
That’s amazing.
Saw a police officer dressed as a pilot today & thought it was weird. Then I realized he must be one of those “plane clothes cops.”
Me: mic is short for microphone
My kid: so my uncle’s name is Microphone?!
Irregardless, for all intensive purposes, I could care less.
The orthodontist says I’m doing a “super job” wearing my retainers. All this really means is that I’m able to put things in my mouth.