Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Nice try, evening news, but there’s nothing as scary as the three times I woke up accidentally pregnant

“I don’t understand swimming. You don’t see fish going for a walk.”

I’m the only woman at this baby shower who doesn’t have a baby. They better ooh and aah over my bassinet of deviled eggs.

my disrespectful teen son somehow got hold of a gluten product and now he wants to become a cat girl

[Grade 6]
TEACHER: You can’t end a sentence with a preposition.
ME: You just did.
TEACHER: What?
ME: Ended a sentence with “a preposition.”

My son was invited over 2 different friend’s houses for a sleepover and he picked the friend that has a whole drawer in the fridge dedicated to just cheese and I’m wondering how to get invited over for a sleepover

I think more people would subscribe to Twitter Blue if we could edit other people’s tweets

When you want to key his car, but he doesn’t have one, so you bend his bus pass.

me, in hell, wondering when my punishment will begin: i sure hope it’s not painful.
the devil walks in & hands me a phone: your mom is on the line, she says her printer doesn’t work.

I would’ve thrown a coin in the water fountain and wished for all the money in it, but I just waited ’til it was dark instead.

Me: Where can I get a good steak?
Her: Butcher?
Me: *deeper voice* Where can I get a good steak?

If you’re an adorable old person in a romcom, you’ve got a massive target on your back

I’m sure a spider is never scrutinized for spending too much time on the web.

Don’t compare yourself with others. Everyone is better than you.

someone tried formatting these windows in a Word doc

“Alex is visiting later tonight.”

Alex from work or Alex the astronaut with amazing hearing?

[From the moon] It’s not me, Thelma. Hi Bob.

What’s the game you play that when you lose you never regret it?

Russian roulette.

“Chicks dig a bad boy,” I say as I write ‘POOPIE’ in crayon all over her bedroom walls.

Boss: I hope you didnt think about work while you were on vacation
Me: I don’t even think about it when I’m here

{At the last supper}

Group- “can you believe jesus just turned this water into wine!”

Me- {cutting up lines of table salt} “jesus, could you do me a favor?”

Shout out to the zillow listing where someone was just like eff it, the giant bottle of vodka stays in the kitchen pic

Microsoft: “Press any key to continue.”

Also Microsoft: “Well, except THAT one.”

Okay this one takes it home

I sometimes wonder how they decided what animals made the cut in the animal crackers.. who thought leaving out raccoons was a good call?

BREAKING: The state of Virginia JUST ANNOUNCED Taco Tuesday

If she calls me cheap one more time I’m gonna return her anniversary gift to 7/11.

My husband and I are very compatible.

He’s a problem solver and I have lots of them.

In high school we had a thing called Ethics Day put on by Chick-Fil-A where they would give out coupons for free chicken sandwiches. My friends and I found the book of all the coupons and stole it. The devils of Ethics Day.

everyone calm down they’re just doing a test run of the rapture

Today, nobody showed up to my 8.15am class.

0 students of about 40. Sitting in the empty room, I email them, trying to disguise my hurt feelings.

2 mins later, I get a reply: “Professor, we think you might be in the wrong room.” So anyway off I go to live in a hole forever.