Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

One time, I swallowed a dictionary whole.

It was thesaurus throat I’ve ever had.

It’s so cute, whenever I sing along to an 80’s song, my kids ask me how I remember the words because I’m “so old”.

Don’t ever call me sexist.
Sexism is wrong and being wrong is for women.

My kid brother used to have a lazy eye and had to wear an eye patch.

My whole body is lazy so I’m wearing my couch.

fish genie: wait, did i just grant you three wishes

me: *rich, handsome, and enjoying world peace* errm, no

The person ahead of me paid for my Starbucks at drive-thru, and I was so excited about it I drove off without my drink.

*gets down on one knee*

Wow, you really suck. Why can’t you be more like the other knee?

Adulthood is about being able to eat cookies for breakfast, but not doing it because you already ate all the cookies.

being on Twitter right now is like playing the violin on the titanic except we are also making fun of the iceberg and the iceberg is getting genuinely mad

just make the entire table out of coaster

“So you’re a foodie? What’s a foodie?”
“We enjoy eating out and trying new food.”
“So you’re like everyone else, except you brag about it?”

I dated a computer hacker last year. He made me promise that I wouldn’t share this information because he said that hackers don’t want people to know this… but if you turn the brightness on your monitor down & browse the internet, then you are technically surfing the dark web.

You know your kid is Canadian when she’s watching football and asks why no one is skating

Me: One coffee please.

Barista: Name for the cup?

Me: Umm Cuppy McSip.

What?!?

Being an adult is like being in a Quentin Tarantino movie. It starts off real cool, there’s a lot of cussing, it’s very confusing, everyone dies.

Me: *flirts*

Anyone watching:

being hungover on weekends is inefficient, you should wake up early on weekends and live your life. you should only drink heavily on weeknights so you can recover from your hangovers while on the clock at work

Here’s a common scam that is going around that you should know about:

Sometimes cats will meow at you like they haven’t been fed, but in fact someone DID feed them and they’re just trying to get fed again

Like jury duty, people should be randomly selected to work awful retail or food service shifts, just so everyone understands how horribly these folks are treated

Imagine lawyers calling in to their firms like, “Ugh the case will have to wait, just got called for Applebee’s duty”.

Judge: For the crimes you have committed you will go to prison for 10 years
Me: That’s a long sentence!
Judge: Ok – “you get 10 years”

“Annie are you ok?”

-yep

“Are you ok?”

-dude, I just said yes

“Are you ok Annie?”

-THIS IS WHY YOU DON’T HAVE ANY FRIENDS MICHAEL

Him: ok now put a worm on the hook

Me: *enjoying the boat ride with my new container of pet worms* What now?

My brother threw a rock at my sister when we were kids. It broke a window, and he blamed her because she ducked.

At least once a day my daughter does something I can’t comprehend, and I stare at her like a caveman who just stumbled across a fighter jet.

skinning your knee as an adult is so humiliating. that’s the toddler injury

cheers erupt as woman cuts into perfectly ripe avocado

Cake: I want a girl who gets up early. I want a girl who stays up late.

Me: She is going to be exhausted.

1990- I have three-way calling, we can all talk for hours

2015- don’t even leave me a voicemail unless you are dying or I won money

I watched the movie, Trolls, with my kids and was really surprised that I didn’t see a lot of these Twitter accounts