I USED MY WIFE’S VOLUMIZING SHAMPOO AND NOW I CAN’T STOP YELLING!
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[When your mom calls you by your full name]
Mom: Scoobert Doobert!
Scooby: Ruh roh
I love the smell of a camp fire. It reminds me of the night we kille….
…..I just love smell of campfires.
[at the mechanic]
mechanic: what is the problem
me: my car
I’m not sure if this snake is trying to ask me a question or if he’s just eaten a candy cane.
I’m getting to the age where I have to drink milk to strengthen my bones or I could die if someone shoots me in the face.
Singing in the shower is all fun and games until you get shampoo in your mouth.
Then it just becomes a soap opera.
My wife and I found each other on a dating website………3 years after we got married. That was awkward.
due to personal reasons, i will be screaming into a pillow.
cut negativity out of your life. delete Facebook. block your landlord’s number. uninstall your banking app. stop paying taxes. forget math. self care.
“First off I want to wish my opponent the best of luck and oh god. OH GOD NO” – presidential candidate accidentally using their 3rd wish
“I hate hashtags!” Dad screams as he smashes his #1 Dad coffee mug against a wall.
Dear autocorrect, at no point in time have I meant to say “I’m affordable” instead of “I’m adorable”. Stop embarrassing me.
surgeon: scalpel.
me: careful, it’s sharp! haha
[everyone screams]
me: what? i held my breath for 2 mins during anesthesia to make that joke
frodo: [doesnt know how to get to mordor, doesnt know how to fight, doesnt know who he should actually trust] i need to do this alone
Each year I get invited to go on vacation with the same group of annoying people but I can’t say no because they’re my husband & children.
To make a mistake is human. To admit a mistake is stupid.
Oh that’s my brother, he has his own apartment upstairs
She died as she lived. Listening to the story of what her kid watched on YouTube that day.
Nothing refreshes my memory of what I need at the grocery store like coming home from the grocery store.
paddle faster i hear baby shark
The automatic toilet flushed while I was still peeing.
Apparently my superpower is being invisible.
I find it hilarious that this ant is pretending like he doesn’t care that I can kill him with one finger. Yea okay, keep walking tough guy.
A charcuterie board is about what’s on top of the board? I thought y’all were picking side items to make eating wood more palletable.
Give a toddler a crayon and he will eat that crayon. Teach him how to color and he will eat more crayons.
It’s so nice that Girl Scout Cookies come in single serving packages.
My daughter is yelling at Alexa because it doesn’t know a song she made up. This may be the end of their friendship.
I believe there are people on this planet who were born to get in everyone’s way at the grocery store.
Cat: What are you doing?
Me: Nothing.
Cat: You were looking at younger cats again.
Me: No
Cat: Show me your Instagram feed.
Me: No way.
We all have our weaknesses. Yours are just more obvious.
PILOT OVER INTERCOM: alright folks, by a show of hands, who has ever made a small and understandable mistake?