All those Tarot cards and not one person at Burning Man saw this coming.
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LOAN OFFICER: I’m just a little unclear on the details.
DAVE: What are you not getting? I have 3 adoptive sons that are musicians and also chipmunks. They are obviously quite small and thus require custom instruments, for which I need a loan. Why is this so complicated?
At his funeral. I lay my hand on your shoulder. I apply pressure, gently, in an attempt to move you from in front of the snack table.
I THOUGHT IT WAS AN EDIBLE
You’d think I was wanted for murder the way I react when someone knocks on my door..
Maybe this is the Windows software update that changes everything for me.
Therapy isn’t enough. I need to run my brain through the dishwasher.
I’m cat sitting for my daughter, and she sent me three pages of instructions, along with a video tutorial. Anyways, what’s a cat? She never specified that part.
My local police department must really love me.
They’ve devoted an entire facebook post about me, and described me as ‘outstanding’.
Wife: Whatcha got there?
Me: Nothin’.
Wife: Why are there crumbs on your face?*holds out hands*
Me: I brought you a box of donut.
Reading that the economy is good while perusing 1 bedroom apartments being rented for 5,000 dollars a month and looking at jobs that pay 31,000 dollars a year.
Me:[grabbing my guitar] i wrote this for you.
Her: awww.
Me:*pulls note out of guitar hole*
“we’re out of cereal.”
they should invent a type of situation that improves.
Wife: Can we eat outside?
Me: *supportive* Of course babe. I love wasps.
HORROR STORY- U are the only one alive in a post apocalyptic world. U tweet and it gets retweeted!
Deeply concerning if literal: Last Christmas I gave you my heart.
Why must I prove that I am me to pay my bills over the phone?
Do strangers call to pay my bills?
And if they do, why don’t you let them?
Me: Anyone else get the feeling their being watched?
…
CIA: They’re*
Caveman1: look, I invent wheel
Caveman2: what we do now?
Caveman1: wait for Jesus to take wheel
Caveman2: dum dum Jesus not invented yet
As 2021 closes, I am reminded of a saying.
Time flies like an arrow…
But fruit flies like a banana.
Long story short, hitler beat me up and has my time machine.
[about to post]
Social Media Police: Is it reliable
Me: Yes
SMP: Source?
M: I heard it from a friend who heard it from a friend
SMP: Proceed
it’s fun to mess with teachers by training your kids to review books with terms like “sophomoric” and “pedestrian”
My Fitbit was delivered today. It’s still sitting in the mailbox because I don’t want to walk all the way out there.
DICKENS: I’ve got writers block… I’ll have a martini, Bob.
BARTENDER: Olive or twist?
DICKENS: *looks into camera*
I want to be rich enough where I’m not offended by the price of beef jerky.
I’m gonna hire a person to speak at my funeral and say a bunch of crazy stuff about me so my friends and family think I had a secret life.
If someone says they like something, responding with “You would” is a highly efficient put-down. In just two words, you’ve implied that a) the thing they like sucks, and b) they have predictably bad taste. Work smarter, not harder.
My drink of choice is vodka because I never recovered from those images of people stomping on grapes with their bare feet
My wife is gone for the next 3 days, so if any ladies out there want to come over & yell at me to take out the garbage & not have sex, hmu