Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

men are simple creatures

I ran into the guy who delivered my pizzas a couple nights ago at a concert and he didn’t even remember who I was. Never meet your heroes.

Ain’t no way

[After winning an award]
Host: Is there anyone you would like to thank?

Me *smiles at my wife and kids in the crowd as I lean into the mic* no

Youtube trainer: and we’re going to repeat this exercise for thirty seconds

me: *how* many seconds???

I dress like a murderer when I walk through the sketchy park outside my dorm so murderers will be like “Oh she’s cool she’s one of us.”

Harsh but true birthday card from my parents

I get it, crocs and socks are not sexy at all, but I wasn’t getting laid in tennis shoes either and this is ridiculously comfortable.

Patient: What is this?! Are you playing stupid with me girly?!
Me: I don’t play stupid
*slams fist on table* I EXCEL AT IT
Patient, now panicking: Wait what?

I just swallowed my record player’s needle and nothing’s happened to me, nothing’s happened to me, nothing’s happened to me, nothing’s happe

Them: Pain is just weakness leaving the body!

Me: Yes, but also sometimes pain is just last night’s extra hot burrito leaving the body too!!

To be honest, the only reason I’m interested in space is to experience the sublime satisfaction of throwing an enemy out of an airlock.

Most of us were taught to never get in cars with strangers, so taxi cabs make absolutely no sense.

8 yr old: as you can see in my business plan, it’s a macaroni & cheese/dinosaur chicken nugget fusion food truck called Tyrannosaurus MAC.

Bank loan officer: *hands kid trunk full of money, turns in 2 week notice*

How come when gods have sex with mortals none of the offspring ends up just being something like a really good accountant?

Realizing im one of those people who peaked in high school because that was the last time an authority figure accused me of being a witch

Venn diagrams. You either love ‘em or you hate ‘em. Or you’re somewhere in the middle.

What I say: Sorry baby, they were out of bubblegum flavored medicine…Grape, will have to do.

What my child hears: I don’t love you, never have…Now drink your poison.

Q: If you could be any animal, which one would you be?

A: The drummer from the Muppets, next question.

Squirrels don’t hibernate in the winter they just get angry.

Honest ads – ‘Hot singles in your area want to be just friends’. ‘Hot singles in your area think of you more like a brother’.

Amazon Review: Ghost costume

⭐☆☆☆☆
Do Not Recommend

Poorly constructed sheet blew away when industrial fan was turned on. I would have gotten away with it if it weren’t for those meddling kids.

I never feel more alive than in those 2 seconds between:
Me: “i’m just gonna say it”
and
My Brain: *you’re an idiot

Woman on bus just pulled her mask down to cough.

I bought the wrong kind of compass. Now I’m lost in the middle of nowhere drawing perfect circles.

Me: you are my queen.
Her: awwww thanks 😍
Me *rolling out guillotine* and monarchy is an abomination.

[at a football game]

my kid: can i get a giant foam finger

me: no

my kid: why not

me: because you already ate three of them at halftime

You can lose a lot on a no carb, no sugar diet.  I tried it and immediately lost my will to live.

banks email like “Ummmmm we have a MESSAGE for you. In your INBOX” and then the message is like “Hello we are your bank”

her: I named my baby Susan

me: boring

her: she’s a puppy

me: omg I love it