All those Tarot cards and not one person at Burning Man saw this coming.
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The only time I’m happy that I’m short, is when I’m laying down in the bath and my whole body is covered
I am so sick of seeing “IYKYK”
I never know, just tell me
the three branches of government
*third date, back at my place*
me: this is my cat, Meowchelle Obama. you should have seen the cold shoulder she gave me when i brought Meowlania Trump home from the shelt… HEY WHERE ARE YOU GOING?!
We’ve designed you a new phone 007.
It’s exactly the same as your old phone but you’ll need to buy a new charger.
Boss: You’re late!
M: It’s 6.30am
B: You start at 6am!
M: I know but that’s just crazy. This is better for me.
And now we wait for HR.
The worst thing about switching from Android to an iPhone is the almond milk.
For sale: Shrimpless rice. Never fried.
It’s almost like we’re living in a zoo if we charged the animals in the zoo for taxes, food, rent, and healthcare.
When I was 11 I went to the mall and got a mullet. The MALL! A MULLET!
Then the next day I went again & had the back of it permed. PERMED!
Oh and also I got grounded, and my mom cried, and I may have ruined the Christmas card.
But I looked rad AF.
Saw a dude chugging a bottle of mustard and it wasn’t even close to the weirdest thing I witnessed today. I’ll ketchup with more details later.
the only moral choice in d&d is to play a druid and wildshape into a giant goat every day, travelling the towns with your rich goat milk like a medieval ice cream truck
Wrong hole.
Wrong hole.
Wrong hole.
Wrong hole.
-trying to put on my distressed denim jeans
honestly, i need both:
Me: “In this day and age, I can summon almost any information I want in the blink of an eye. I’m one click away from all the answers I could ever need. There is no knowledge beyond my grasp.”
Also me: “I have no idea what day it is.”
I’m going to be the most petty poltergeist ever. I’ll do things like unplug your phone charging overnight
Wife: I’ve blisters on my hands from the broom.
Me: Take the car next time!
And then God said, “Let there be Black Friday.” and he saw that it was a terrible idea but it was too late cuz people were already in line.
how is March already THIS WEEK, I’m still processing the industrial revolution era of 1820-1840
Nobody:
Me to my alien: so basically you make a dinner the kids say they like and then they cry because they don’t like that food anymore
Ever wondered why newborn’s clothes have pockets? They’re for their teeny tiny notepad & pen, so they can write down everything you’re doing wrong as a parent.
Can’t, just found out I’m way behind on my 6th grade math homework.
told someone i’m as “single as a pringle and as neato as a dorito” then they blocked me immediately
Doctor: How did you manage to get this stuck in your throat?
Me: (harmonica sounds)
My son asked me how diarrhea fits into God’s plan for us and I don’t think we’re going back to church anymore.
me: this could have been an email
cop: step out of the car sir
Therapist: were you bullied in school?
Me: no
Therapist: oh, did you have a different haircut in school?
I stopped writing poetry when I realized their only value was to threaten to read them to people if they didn’t do what I wanted.
Curling seems like the kind of game Mr. Miyagi would’ve made up to trick Daniel into cleaning his floors.
“Think outside the toy box” -my kids bs excuse for why they didn’t clean up