Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[Antiques Roadshow]
This mirror frame is a classic Victorian style, but the ghosts in the reflection are wearing Edwardian clothes so the glass was likely replaced

Flipped over my therapist’s writing pad and it was just a New York Times crossword with “shut up” written in every blank.

I scream, you scream, we all scream for ice cream. This kid working at Baskin Robbins is pretty scared. Now he’s crying in the corner.

A drunk man walks into a bank. He’s holding an uncooked fruit. What does he say?

“This is a raw berry!”

[High Stakes Poker]
Dealer: Are you in or are you out?
Schrödinger’s Cat: [For the 20th time]
BOTH
[Player flips table]

AA Milne: Ok rabbit, we’ll call you Rabbit. Piglet, you can be Piglet
Bear: Wow, real original
AAM: [scribbles out Bear and writes Pooh]

Creative Problem Solving

I said I couldn’t care less, but look at that… you proved me wrong

Sylvester Stallone is looking more and more like G.I Joe doll put in a microwave on high for twenty minutes

I saw a UFO flying over my house this morning but my camera has too many pixels and clarity so I didn’t capture it.

cellmate: what are you in here for

me: [snuggling] my bunk is cold

guys in 2000’s: i want my pant legs as wide as possible.

guys now: please spray paint jeans onto me.

I’m scared to open any email with a photo attachment because of all this talk about photobombing.

[blood starts oozing from the ceiling] Oh my god no someone left the blood tap on

Why would werewolves OR vampires need or want to go to high school

It’s confusing how my kid is failing drama when he puts on award winning performances anytime he’s asked to do anything

covid positive at the same time as ur long distance crush? sars crossed lovers

Capricorn: Are you really gonna trust NASA? After they left Matt Damon on Mars? Who does that?

pretty messed up how “what are you weaknesses” is an acceptable question in job interviews but not on first dates

Will you 💍💍 meow meow 💍💍 me?

In a parallel universe nobody can park.

Check out this apple pie I made. Worked out real well.

I just saw this in a group on Facebook, so I have no idea where it’s from, but my god, does this infuriate me. You can’t use the same symbol for two different letters!!!!

Who the friggin hell buys a cat? There are cats everywhere. You just let one into your home and it becomes your cat.

Me: honey, want anything from the grocery store

Him: I feel like grapes but I don’t really like grapes

Me: say no more

He died doing what he loved, forgetting to put my potato wedges in the bag.

My car spider built a web across my steering wheel & now I can’t go anywhere.

toddler *shows me his new toy*
me: Who gave you that?
toddler: My friend
me: When?
toddler: When he wasn’t looking