All those years of getting horrible elementary school pictures was just society’s way of preparing you for your driver’s license photo.
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if you’ve ever wanted to know what a violent mugging feels like, i’d highly recommend inviting my friends & their 2 toddlers over for dinner one night.
whenever I’m feeling overwhelmed i remember that i could be in the middle ages and in charge of getting those heavy af castle doors closed before the enemies enter.
Me: I’m surprised at how winded I am after this exercise.
Trainer: this was the tour of the gym…
We thought our son was excited for us to attend Back-to-School night so we could meet his teacher…Turns out, his actual excitement was bc he couldn’t wait to show us the bathroom stall he had carefully chosen…“to do all the pooping in.”
Obviously, someone didn’t follow the instructions before assembling the cat…🐈🐾😅
The child: (hearing someone get mad) you say that word sometimes, Mommy.
Me: What word?
The child: Funking.
Me: No, honey, I don’t ever say funking.
If you think my grey hair tells a story, you should see the unmarked graves in my back yard.
The weather is so hot that it gave me the wrong phone number.
Cause of death: doing a gentle twist to the right
*placing Trump & Hillary signs on my lawn
Neighbor: “Confused about who to vote for?”
Me: “What? No! I’m making a Halloween haunted house.”
I just took my car ibuprofen into the house and I can hear future me cussing so loud.
My couch doubles up as a bed, a work station, a cheeto hiding place…. it’s like the other furniture isn’t even trying!
Scientists please just tell us when the world is gonna end so I can stop working out
In any relationship, you have to accept some of your partners quirks & they must accept some of yours. Some people chew loudly. Some people snore. Some people leave the door open so a large opossum can sleep on the couch because he likes the couch & it’s too cold outside anyways.
My biggest fear of self driving cars is that if I would die on the way to work, the car would still drive me there.
Expectant Parent: What’s it like being a parent?
Me: Have you ever wrestled an alligator covered in vaseline?
Expectant Parent:
Me: Don’t worry, you’ll learn.
Motorway in Britain: “Go 40mph for a bit”
You: “Why? What’s happened?”
Motorway: “Absolutely nothing”
I sometimes double click on a trojan horse to see if there are soldiers hiding inside.
Another Twilight movie?God I hope Abraham Lincoln shows up and slays every last one of them.
4-year-old: We’re playing Star Wars. I’m a Jedi and Mom is a stormtrooper.
Me: What am I?
4-year-old: In the way.
I have a black belt in leather
Sorry Siri, talking to machines is not for me. I still get tongue-tied at the drive-through.
My 5yo won a toy from the claw machine, so now I’m going to make him buy me a lottery ticket
So what do you do for a living?
“I’m in the Secret Service”
Wow, you didn’t keep that secret too well did you
LOVED ONES: When I die, I want you to throw a sad party where you all look at my dead body
US, FOR SOME REASON: Ok that’s no problem
[my funeral]
priest: we are all going to miss, uh… *snaps finger* you know.. *glances at my wife*
wife: *turns to my mom*
mom: Greg? I feel like it was something close to Greg.
Do Russia and Uganda realize if they put all their gay people in jail then jail will become the nicest part of their country?
A judge in Oklahoma City wed a couple and then sentenced the groom to prison. That sounds redundant to me.
I just saw an article titled “Can We build a Real Jurassic Park?”
DID YOU FORGET WHAT HAPPENED IN THE MOVIE?!
Life is a letter soup that has too many consonants and not enough vowels and all you can spell is borscht