All those years of getting horrible elementary school pictures was just society’s way of preparing you for your driver’s license photo.
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wtf is a larm clock?
My neighbor told me he heard me having sex this morning.
I was putting on my shoes.
It’s not a family vacation until someone threatens to throw a prized possession from a moving vehicle.
Death: I’ve come for you.
Me: That’s what she said.
D (bursts out laughing): You get me with that one every time! Ok, see ya.
The road to hell is paved with good intentions
Note to self…avoid good intentions at all costs.
*watching The Revenant*
*rewind*
*play*
*rewind*
*play*
*rewind*
*play*Him: What are you doing?
Me: Taking notes for when I fight a bear.
Him: I know your secret
Me:*nervously sweating, remembering my Netflix history* Yeah?
H: You killed someone
M: *relieved* Oh, haha. Yep
Imagine how scary sharks would be if they wore necklaces made out of our teeth.
[to the tune of little drummer boy]
baaaaby shaaark, doo
doo doo doo doo doo
My mum has asked for ‘bath stuff’ for Christmas so I’ve bought her a toaster.
I’m such a procrastinator, I’m just now getting around to worrying about Zika Virus.
Writer joke:
Wife: “You need to do more chores around the house”.
Husband: “Can we change the subject?”
Wife: “Ok, more chores around the house need to be done by you.”
Apparently I can’t enroll someone in anger management classes against their will.
Now what the hell am I supposed to do with my toddler?
Me *digging my own grave*: see, I do have to do EVERYTHING around here
My husband and I took our dog Ruckus ride and when he turned down a road with huge potholes I said, “ouch” and a few seconds later he said I’M SO SORRY RUCKUS, I’M TRYING TO AVOID THE HOLES!
I hope one day to find someone who loves me as much as my husband loves the dog.
If you wait until the last minute to do something it only takes a minute to do it.
My kids are fighting over which chores they want to do and this is one fight that I’m not breaking up.
Dear dinosaur naming people,
Parasaurolophus and Elasmosaurus could’ve been named Frank and Joe.
Sincerely,
The parents of small children
Bought coffee flavoured ice cream hoping the kids would hate it and I could have it all but NOPE! Joke’s on me!
Curse you,
gloriously divine Häagen-Dazs in literally any flavour.
If you’re reading this & I’m married to you…
Come join me in the bath.
Bring snacks.
🙄😏😂🤣
Considering “Thank You” cards are a thing, I’m going to invent “No, thank YOU!” cards and people will send them back and forth forever.
imagine you’re on jury duty and the courtroom sketch artist draws stink lines above you
Sometimes my dreams are so realistic that I have to talk myself out of them. Today it was, “you can’t try out for the baseball team, you’re 36.”
It’s me against the world! That’s how gravity works
My OnlyFangs is just me snapping my teeth at the camera and biting someone occasionally.
Evolution: so I have some good news and some bad news for you
Dung beetle: what’s the good news
Evolution: you won’t ever have to worry about student loans
Dung beetle: phew wow that’s great! What’s the bad news?
Evolution: well
Sleeping Beauty taught me that:
1. I’m not the laziest girl in the land
2. If you sleep long enough, strange men break in & do stuff to you.
Having a toddler is a great way to find out how much milk your tennis shoe will hold