All those years of getting horrible elementary school pictures was just society’s way of preparing you for your driver’s license photo.
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Aww, I feel bad for never letting you win. Here, you can have my Playstation, my Xbox 360, and my Nintendo Switch!
*sniff* Don’t try to console me
Man buns are just the beginning, next thing you know it’ll be ok for men to have anything on their heads, like a goat or a small child
I think you misunderstood–when I said, “Let me look into it” that meant, “I don’t know exactly how to tell you no just yet”
I’ve been battered by seafood puns
oh my cod
Been considering dipping my toe back in the dating pool lately so naturally I’m binge-watching serial killer stuff to bring me back to my senses.
The audacity of my parents’ oldies station now playing 80s music.
If someone acts shocked that you haven’t read a certain book, the best response you can give them is, “Yeah, I heard it sucks”
Looking forward to Keanu Reeves making improvements to his home in the upcoming
Matrix: Renovations
him: I’m so sick of you just agreeing with everything I say
me: same
Quarantine prank. Be careful what you wish for…😂🤣😭💀💀
Parents: when naming a boy, consider using a king’s name, like Mattress or Burger.
John Wick 4 was so good I wish violence was real
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[inventor of teapot]
“I want this water to scream”
If you don’t charge your Fitbit, it can’t express disappointment in you.
I hate when I lose an argument and then seventeen years later I think up a witty come back.
Schrödinger: you see, there’s no way of knowing if the cat is alive or dead
Box: *violently shakes and hisses*
Schrödinger: … it’s a paradox
Box: *screeches threateningly*
[Nightcap]
Me: *giving tour* and this is my room.
Her: It’s….a….nice.
Me: Let me stop you there. The He-man sheets are purely decorative and in no way a reflection of my prowess in bed.
[trying to remove items separately from the washing machine]
laundry: you will not divide us we are one entity now FEAR US
Watch James Cameron’s spectacular vision to take 3 hours to tell a storyline that could’ve been an e-mail
…again.
(Now in theaters)
“Rapunzel, Rapunzel let down your hair!”
*A long strand of smelly hair falls out the tower*
“Screw this!”
[Job interview]
Executive: One of the skills you listed is “diplomatic lying”…?
Me: Yes, for example I will say, “I am a block away,” when it’s more like five or, “I need two minutes,” when I mean at least thirty.
Executive: You’re hired.
Me: I’ll start in a week.
ME: I’d like to buy some underwear.
CLERK: Satin?
ME: No, new please.
Guy about to write “12 days of christmas:” help i need last minute gifts!
bird keeper: ok hear me out.
My boomer father in law couldn’t get his TV to work, the tv was plugged into a surge protector…that was plugged into itself.
I have a very large selection of hand sanitizers
Me, flirting
You think you found a parking spot and then boom. Kia damn Soul.
Proud of my teen for keeping a straight face when she told her friend I’m 25. That friend’s gonna have some questions, but that’s what she gets for asking my age.